I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

So unless OP was friends with that wife's husband as initial friendship, there is no reason for two of them to hang out later, they were always add ons.

So what happens when you've become friends with the partner in your own right and they're no longer an "add on"? One of my closest friends is someone I met though him getting together with my friend. I socialise with him and his partner quite often, either me/him, me/her or all three of us. They're just friends and I enjoy the company of both of them. Why is that weird?

I really object to the OP being called needy. Said from a very smug position. It is exactly this perception that leads to a widow suddenly feeling alienated. She just does not conform to the “norm” I wouldn’t wish it on anyone - losing my husband at 54 is horrendous. But please do not call OP or any person in her position needy as I will tell you now they have more strength and guts than anyone who has lived the “perfect normal” life.

You're missing the point.

If the two couples were close enough to meet up very regularly as a four, why would they stop meeting up when they become a three?

Why would it feel so awkward to you to meet up with your very close friend without her husband, after his death? And why does your awkwardness trump her expectation that you'll both still be her friend?

MistressoftheDarkSide - you have very eloquent provided the ‘muggles’ with a glimpse behind the widow curtain.

This post seems to have provided a much needed space for fellow widows.

If any of you were bereaved before you were 51, may I recommend WAY (Widowed & Young). Contrary to what you may read in the press, it’s actually a very supportive group of ‘young’ bereaved people helping & supporting each other through this minefield of grief.

@NoPaintedPony I have signed up to their newsletter but not yet been brave enough to join. Another thread has said if you don’t grieve a certain way then they aren’t particularly welcoming, and another poster found the same. I’m guessing it’s dependent on the groups members though.

I don't think it has anything to do with their marital status. That's paranoia (or ego) talking.
I often meet friends for a chat just by myself because I don't do everything joined at the hip to my husband. I regularly meet each of my best friends/my sister on an individual basis because I love those catch ups best (plus someone needs to look after the children!) DH is usually looking after mine and their husband is looking after theirs.
It's got nothing to with worrying dh will run off with them and everything to do with just wanting to spend time with my girlfriends without wondering whether DH is bored /needing to book a babysitter

And when we did plan a group catch up recently and the question was put whether to involve partners all the single people voted not to (and it was a mix among the couples, some women wanted to come on their own, others much more have a "joined at the hip" relationship)

I can't imagine leaping to the assumption girlfriends are meeting up with me without their husbands because I am such a threat 😂

I don't think it has anything to do with their marital status. That's paranoia (or ego) talking.
I often meet friends for a chat just by myself because I don't do everything joined at the hip to my husband. I regularly meet each of my best friends/my sister on an individual basis because I love those catch ups best (plus someone needs to look after the children!) DH is usually looking after mine and their husband is looking after theirs.
It's got nothing to with worrying dh will run off with them and everything to do with just wanting to spend time with my girlfriends without wondering whether DH is bored /needing to book a babysitter

And when we did plan a group catch up recently and the question was put whether to involve partners all the single people voted not to (and it was a mix among the couples, some women wanted to come on their own, others much more have a "joined at the hip" relationship)

I can't imagine leaping to the assumption girlfriends are meeting up with me without their husbands because I am such a threat 😂

But why would it be awkward?

It is rather embarrassing that a grown adult can't socialise with their partner and another person who happens to be single, divorced or widowed.

All joking aside that would actually be quite useful.

That's awful. It's just so ridiculous, and insulting, and narrow minded. Whenever me and DH are out in groups of say six to fourteen people, we've never, ever excluded the single women/divorcees/widows. That would be about a third of our social circle LOL!!!

I mean, me and DH wouldn't go out with just one single woman - because to be honest with you, that would be quite awkward. And if I was single, I wouldn't want to go out with a couple on my own. But I really fail to see why a bunch of couples together would never want a single/widowed woman with them.

Are all the women in these 4, 5, or 6 couples terrified that this newly single or widowed woman, is going to take her husband away? I find that extremely bizarre. Like I said, nobody I know in any of the couples I know, would exclude single, widowed, and divorced women like this for social events.

I did not misunderstood.

Couples friendships start with two people being friends or clicking. And they bring partners.
Even if all four of you met at the same time, let's say school run, it would still be two people who initiated the dynamic.
So unless OP was friends with that wifes husband as initial friendhip, there is no reason for two of them to hang out later, they were always add ons.

Tbh I cannot imagine anything more bizarre than complaining to my friend why I am not invited to their dates. Because husband and wife going out is exactly that.

On another note, why blame wife?
It is most likely huband who cannot be bothered to listen to his wifes firend as she is boring, annoying or simply too fucking needy as seen from OPs post.

It is hard. I'm still trying to find a group. I have friendships with different women, som in a relationship, some not, but they don't know each other. Sometimes it's nice to belong to a group. What can we do. It doesn't change. That much is clear.

Shortly after my DH died, a now ex friend who was staying with me got very concerned about my insomnia and nocturnal habits of sitting in front of YouTube till my eyes bled, and one morning asked me what was wrong.

I responded:

"Well, I've realised that everything about my life now is because DP is dead".

Her response was utter bewilderment.

She couldn't grasp that I'd been forced from one life into another where nothing made sense and the only person who I could have relied on was six feet under and digging them up for a cuddle is rightly frowned upon.

Her subsequent behaviour made her an ex friend within three months.

In my experience friends who tolerate you speaking about how you truly feel as a widow are rare as rocking horse shit. The first rule of widow club is you don't talk about widow club. The second rule of widows club.. ..you get the picture.

The cardinal sin is to appear needy in any way. Feeling lonely and isolated? Well why aren't you making more effort to connect? The answer to which is that after several attempts at doing so have resulted in awkwardness, you end up withdrawing because it generates extra negative feelings on top of original negative feelings, and it's overwhelming.

The majority of posts here clearly explain that whatever the motivation for people behaving weirdly around the bereaved it happens astonishingly regularly. Of course it would be nice if you could have the actual explanation and one does fill in that void with possibilities based on how people are behaving around you.

Being widowed leaves one raw, vulnerable and exposed - almost skinless. Everything "normal" is physically and mentally and emotionally felt. At least that is how it's been for me, and I'm aware that everyone's experience is unique. The final insult is adding in the feeling that there's something wrong with you because of the way other people are behaving.

We're particularly shit at dealing with death I think. After a very short while for a bereaved person, there's an almost tangible sense of embarrassment that one comes up against. You just have to suck it up, throwing in the occasional acknowledgement of other people's awkwardness around you, to try and make them feel at ease. It's exhausting trying to be "mindful" of other people's feelings when your own are in perpetual turmoil.

It's even been medicalised now, grief I mean. "Problematic grief" I think they call it. Too right grief is problematic for everyone involved, but the directly bereaved have to deal with their own problem and everyone else's apparently. And if you struggle you are expected to seek professional help to overcome it, because getting back to normal is paramount in modern society.

But it's a lie. There is no normal any more. There's a new reality to adjust to that you don't want to be your normal.

In time yes you become more tolerant, less prone to feeling the rise of emotional incontinence when you pass the salmon in the fish aisle because DP had a knack of cooking it to perfection with a blue cheese sauce that was to die for (Ahem).

But you're changed and the world is changed and nothing makes sense - you just hope that you get your Oscar in the next life....

There is no fix or cure, there is adapting to survive.