I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

This happened to me too. I wasn’t expecting it at all and it has just another blow. Talk about kicking a dog when it’s down. The last thing I was thinking about was stealing someone else’s husband.

Sorry this happened to you but the good news is that you get to find out who your real friends are.

Oh ffs. You have spectacularly missed the quite specific point of this thread. A number of widows have explained their experiences and feelings after traumatic loss. People have talked about older widows experiencing the same, where it appears that social exclusion occurs when you're no longer part of a couple, and other couples don't adjust to the new dynamic.

It leaves one feeling as though you're not enough, or you're a ticking time bomb, or any number of reasons in other people's heads that you're not privy to and you are left speculating as to why?

As I said previously the couples I am still close to knew me before I was with DP. One of those couples knew him separately as well - the circles we move in have many cross overs. Couples we only knew together as it were are the ones who have fallen away.

I'm certainly not a temptress of any sort at the moment. I have 6 inches of roots, I've started to go really grey. My face is puffy and I have loads of new lines. Two years of trauma are absolutely etched on my face right now.

Whether I'm considered a threat to anyone in the relationship department I don't know and I don't care but it's possible because people are complicated and messy and have insecurities. I've heard similar sentiments as the OP from another widow who was accused to her face of having designs on someone by their wife.

Thing is, for most, though possibly not all widows / widowers, their identity has changed - they are no longer part of the world before bereavement and trying to adjust to that is all consuming. People suddenly distancing themselves or treating you differently takes time to process.

DP and I were a bit "joined at the hip" socially. We both worked in separate places with a social vibe then went out and socialised together, out of choice. I've never had a big girly group of friends anyway. Sometimes we went out separately but mostly we didn't and it worked for us. Everyone is different. You don't consciously think "Oh I'd better cultivate friendships with individual peopke in case I end up widowed and all our couple friends don't want a third wheel playing gooseberry or sitting like a spectre at the feast at dinner parties".

That's not how life works. Life is organic, habits form, you have patterns of behaviour and it gives you security. When it changes dramatically and irrevocably it's devastating on so many levels. You can't know how things will be. There is no handbook for this shit no matter how much we think there should be.

@Kneenightmare
"Why though? I’m married and have no interest in being friends with other peoples husbands- I much prefer to go out with my friends alone."

Because the husbands are my friends too! Why shouldn't I get to spend time with all of my friends? Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I shouldn't spend time with my male friends who happen to be married to my female friends.

Well according to posts on here she would. Because men and women can't possibly be friends.

My DSs Godfather no longer socialises with me. His wife doesn't like it. Even though I've known him 20 years longer than she has. I mean, he could man up and tell her not to be silly. But whatever.

This thread needs renaming into:
"I’m a middle-aged and single, why your husband does not want to hang out with me?"
It would cover the topic better.

Quite. I talk to my husbands friends out of politeness/support for him. Not because I am frantic to whip off their pants. And not even because I particularly enjoy their company.

Well it does not apply to you than does it?
We are talkung about situations where four people are hanginv around and once someone loses partner they are not invited to hang out with couple any more.

As it is MN I am not surrprised, but amount of women who think that if their friends partner talks to them is due to some special friendship between them two, not him just being polite to his wifes friends is too damn high.
Your friend does not find you hot.
Her partner finds you boring.
This is why they are not invited to couples hangouts.

Also, who the fuck wants to be a third wheel?
Cannot imagine asking my DH to invite me to every meet up with his friend just because we sometimes go out with his wife as four of us.
Pathetic.

I never said it wasn't, I am referring to a PP saying "So why do you expect me to see suddenly losing my male friends as no issue at all?"

If they were her male friends and not her female friends husbands then she wouldnt be losing them would she?

WTF? This thread is mad.

The widowed on this thread, you have my sympathies. Nothing wrong with your feelings at all.

Thank you all so much for the lovely comments and sending love and solidarity ❤️

I'm currently moving out of the house we lived in - it is a large rented property and I got my Section 21 in February as the landlord wants to sell. My business folded just before Christmas so my finances are up the creek and it's been a long fraught saga getting a one bed flat I can move into.

I'm on grace and favour with the agents who can't really sell it till it's empty - it's shabby and I suspect will be redeveloped.

Today was skip day. I have a 12 footer on the parking bay outside which my son and some muscly friends have filled with the accumulated detritus of 11 years of stuff. DP was creative and could acquire things that took his fancy "for 'ron". We also had people living with us and stuff from my demised business which we downsized and re-opened just one month before DP died. It's been horrendous on a logistical front for a multititude of "you couldn't make this shit up" reasons.

My DP had a favourite chair. Until recently it sat, well worn on his side of the bed. He would flop on it, scrolling his phone, watching TV, and we'd just chew the fat or sit in companionable silence. It sat there until a few months ago, his old ratty dressing gown on the back. My year old cat liked it. And then started using it as a scratching post. Then he peed on it. The worn faux leather meant it seeped into the upholstery. Eventually it went to join the worn out appliances and things not worth recycling in the garden.

Today I watched my son take a sledgehammer to it to fit it into the skip. I'd been muscling through quite well, despite the chaos up to then. But that - that broke me. I had an absolutely phenomenal crying jag. Fortunately my closest friend was there to hug me until I could pull my self together again. She said later she was amazed it had taken that long.

I am leaving the house where my Mum died during lockdown, where my beloved collapsed and never returned, where I have been temporarily housing my Dad for the last five weeks for extremely complicated reasons, where we had parties, dinners, all the fun times.

It feels weird and hollow as most things have gone piecemeal to storage or my new flat. I've got rid of so much, but some things I can't bear to. Not yet.

One chair. One chair and the feeling of evisceration came back full force.

Now I'm going to order noodles and curl up for a couple of hours with my cat and try and switch off for a bit.

But I do want to say thank you again - this thread may have started for one particular reason but I think it has been a bit of a cathartic opportunity for me anyway.

And on we go - survival out of spite eh?

Much love to everyone struggling with difficult situations of any relatable stripe.

It's entirely possible to have my own male friends from work or whatever,and also be friends with the husbands of my female friends.

If you like having male friends so much, maybe you should make an effort to become actual friend with a man
Not befriend one of your female friends partners, but go out and make male friends on your own.
If you had male friends on your own you would probably not crave attention of your friends partners so much

Yes, I dont get this either. I have 3 very close male friends, we met at college/work and get on splendidly. I made those friendships myself, I didnt wait until I could befriend my female friends and just hope that one of their husbands would fill the role of "male friend" for me. If you want male friends, why not go out and find some?

I am really sorry for your loss. I really think the issue is the husbands making a move and wife’s lack of trust for their husband and not you! Try see it like that .. even though from where you are standing it’s a lonely place.

If you like having male friends so much, maybe you should make an effort to become actual friend with a man.
Not befriend one of your female friends partners, but go out and make male friends on your own.
If you had male friends on your own you would probably not crave attention of your friends partners so much.

Well thanks for that 🙄

And nowhere have I said that I think I'm a sexual threat. I'm not the OP. And I'm in my late 60s!

Why though? I’m married and have no interest in being friends with other peoples husbands- I much prefer to go out with my friends alone.

Your perception and their's might have been different though . I don't go round telling DH friends that I tolerate their company for his sake ...

It's far more likely that lack of interest is the explanation , but I realise that's less of an ego massage than thinking you are seen as a sexual threat

Hmm, I am less sure, I know I have often "got on" with friends of my husband because they are his friends but I can't say I'd choose to spend time with them otherwise.

But again, you're talking about "his friends". These people were OUR friends. We met them as couples meeting couples at the same time.

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall.

Hmm, I am less sure, I know I have often "got on" with friends of my husband because they are his friends but I can't say I'd choose to spend time with them otherwise.

I do think it is astonishingly egotistical to assume you are so ravishing that the wife feels threatened and that must be behind the lack of contact rather than that the husband isn't that fussed about tagging along.

I'm explaining why there are far more mundane reasons why a husband might not come along. And the assumption by some that they are so unbearably alluring might be incorrect and the spouse might just not be that fussed about coming along, or indeed quite keen not to!

You are talking about a situation where your husband wouldn’t want to be there, or where you’d rather speak without him.

I am talking about a situation where all three want to be there.

His partner has no problem with it because we’re all bloody grownups.

And I don’t have a partner.

That's not what some of us are talking about either. When we met with couple friends it wasn't a case of dragging spouses along. We met as couples and stayed friends as couples. We were all friends! Equally so!

I really don't understand why so many people don't seem to get that.

When I met with my female friends, no, we didn't drag along out partners who no-one really knew. That's entirely different.

Oh for god's sake. I am the least 18/1950s you can imagine. I have climbed the ladder in a male dominated industry and like adventure sports.

But my husband has a life and hobbies of his own too, we don't feel the need to constantly tag along with each other. And based on most of my friends it's similar, if it's a small catch up we don't bring our spouses along, why pay for a babysitter when we are each quite able to have our own lives and interests.

I'd find it weirdly stifling to have my husband follow me along to every catch up. In fact i'd say that was the sign of a really unhealthy relationship

To me it is a sub-par option. Because the men in the couples are/were my friends too.
I've lived all my life meeting socially and having conversations with both men and women. I enjoy talking with both sexes. So why do you expect me to see suddenly losing my male friends as no issue at all?

Since women much prefer socialising and chatting just with women. Which is fine. It works for them. I'm not one of them. I've had male friends ever since I was at school, and I enjoy the variety of it being that way, and having a male perspective on my conversations since of the time.