I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

Oh god yes. I became single at 34. I'm now 41, working out how many cats are an acceptable number and despite dalliances with FWB have zero interest in any bloke, especially someone else's.

That didn't stop Jeff inviting me for coffee and catch up at his house. I accepted and said I couldn't wait to meet Samantha his fiance, he replied saying she was away for the weekend, and it would be best if we kept it between us as she wouldn't understand. I declined the coffee.

The absolute worst single experience I had, I was invited to an evening wedding reception. Literally only knew the bride and groom, dutifully went along with my then 5 year old DD. As soon as we arrived she spotted the B&Gs son and legged it off to sweet cart, dance floor, bubble machine. I was utterly alone and even though a few blokes tried to be polite, the women with them grabbed them possessively and glared at me, not one said a friendly word to me, I sat at a table for 8 all on my own; not one woman approached and said anything nice. I tried in the queue for the food and at the bar to chat to a few women, but they pretty much brushed me off. I was at a wedding on my own, I wasn't planning on getting down and dirty with anyone's fella let alone right in front of anyone. I'm a social bean anyway, but that night was the worst single night of my life and I vowed to never ever do that to any woman on her own at any event. (Or anyone for that matter!).

I can imagine this happening to me. At the moment we socialise with couples that we've known for years, but if I ended up widowed I'm not convinced I would see much of those couples anymore.

It’s not random sleazy married men though. Agree there’s plenty of them.

they’re friends, people I’ve known for years and years. Went to each others weddings, kids christenings, birthdays.

Suddenly I’m relegated to once in a blue moon ‘girls night’. I’d like to think my friends know that I’m not trying to steal their husbands.

Maybe OP detests coffee and sweet stuff and really enjoys both dinner parties and weekend trips? So patronising of you.

My single female friends confirm it definitely is a thing. I've never been like that, but a lot of women are apparently. More a failing on their husband and the relationship in general though really than any reflection on the single (for whatever reason) woman.

🤣🤣

Seen two posts recently about only wanting to socialise with "couple friends", it's a horrible attitude.

Sorry OP, I hope you find better friends.

I lost two friends when I split with my ex. Literally overnight they stopped the group chat and just started chatting and meeting up together. Was a real shit time for me anyway without feeling like a social outcast. I dunno why it happened but I think they felt uncomfortable with the dynamic when I was single.

Middle aged divorcee, same.

took me a long time to get rid of mine, I certainly don’t want yours.

Yep I’m a middle aged widow. I can do diy though so their safe with me.

I already feel less of a person now you dont need segregating off as well.

It's not that you want the husbands...

It's that the husbands want YOU.

I'm not a seductress, Ok looking. Get plenty of reasonable male attention if I get out there a bit.

I don't hang out in clubbing or some high-stakes glamorous environment.

The type of married guy who casually puts out feelers or tries it on is generally very "average" as well. They don't look like sleazes, or have loads of money.

And often it is just about proximity and perceived availability. Divorced? Widow? New to town? Must be UP FOR IT.

I don't even think there's any special connection or lots of time together..just that I'm single, no man, so I must be desperate or "available". I wouldn't even go out with them if they were unmarried!

Especially if you're seen as lower status and people blame the woman always for any problems....so many men try to set up situations where they can claim the woman is chasing after them or it's a mutual thing, and they know their wives will blame the woman.

It's odd because people talk about Tinder culture being sleazy, but this is just social dynamics unfortunately and has been for a long time.

I'm wary now as I get older to put boundaries in interactions with partnered up guys...no ambiguity or 1-1 chats. I've noticed married guys often try to "fish" for a friendship or start talking about personal issues....I shut them down.

There's social spaces I can go into where being a single woman is unremarkable so I use those..much more peaceful!

Yep, Fighting to get divorced for 2 years.
Now a week away!

I absolutely DO NOT WANT your husband. Actually, I feel sorry for you even more than you feel sorry for me! (If that is possible)😀

Posted too soon.

I think sometimes other women are viewed at suspiciously, if they are fun loving and confident. Other women may precieve a threat that really isn't there

In fairness, though, that's ridiculously presumptuous -- 'Oh, we'd better not invited Poor Sad Sarah, in case she's driven mad by the sight of me and Doughy Dave ignoring one another over the tiramisu!'

No, it isn't that. The women don't want their husbands to come over all 'knight in shining armour' and go round putting up shelves and changing lightbulbs.

There is an element of "she's lost hers, I don't want her coming after mine" about it.

I'm a married woman and I definitely don't want your husband. Already have my own.

I hear you! I'm also a middle-age single woman. I'm definitely not after your husband! I don't want to only socialise with "the wife" when she wants a break from her husband. I want to be friends with both of you.

Hmmm odd. Maybe not that they think you want their husband. Maybe they think you're happier spending time with them? Tell them? Politely?

This isn't me. Always have my single friends over and go out with them. We also go on holiday with them & their kids.

@StopGo exactly that!!

Isn’t this a good thing? I’m married but only ever spend time with my friends separately. I don’t want to socialise with their husbands.

I agree that it's really horrible if you're not invited any more. I think there were occasional more couply events that I didn't get invited to after dh died but we socialised a lot separately anyway. Coffee with the women was just fine with me, plus my male friends were lovely too.

I was in a different place though - I did want all the husbands. To the point that I went off and developed my own 'social life' in that regard to stay away from them.

YANBU, though I think it's difficult to win at this one, it can also be uncomfortable as a single person to be at an event full of (un)happily marrieds, though I guess it depends how well you know them already.

You might not want their husbands, but I believe that what generally happens is that their husbands want you. Lots of posters have written about it on here.

I went through that when single and then once married feel like I’m never invited to things individually. Can’t win. Except by developing a great group of friends who do get you.

Jolene has a lot to answer for.