I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

Perhaps you could start an online fostering service?

I get this. So does my mum

If I flung in a bottle of gin and a packet of Jaffa cakes could you take him?

I doubt it is your single status, it is just their dh wants blokes to chat to so if you don’t bring one it unbalances the dinner party, they probably don’t invite single men either. It’s pathetic I know, but I doubt they all think their dh’s are going to stray because you came to dinner.

Have been widowed nearly 6 years and never had the problems outlined above- am welcomed by everyone.

Still wear my wedding ring - I call it my p.... off ring if any man thinks I am available- particularly those who did not know me before I was widowed.

Single and very happy!

What, because you're so loved up with your DH that you sit sighing across the dinner table into one another's eyes, stopping only to play footsie between courses and nip out to the kitchen for a bit of slap and tickle while getting the trifle?

I think the difference is* that as a widow, you actually lose those male friends. Some of them I'd been friends with for two or three decades. The men as close friends as the women. And then suddenly they avoid being around you and don't hang around to talk to you even if you do find yourselves in the same place.

It hurts. We were proper friends. Shared interests, shared experiences. And suddenly they're gone. Often leaving me to have coffee with the half of the couple I had less in common with!
Losing a friend, even just one, is hard. Losing several almost simultaneously, when you're already feeling vulnerable, is much harder. You start thinking that maybe they never liked you that much and only liked your husband, for instance.

*I do understand that it must be really hard as a single person who's just not partnered up yet, to be left out of couples stuff. I'm very sympathetic to that. Just pointing out the difference

Nope. You have to be a widow to ‘get it’. It’s definitely a thing. I had really good friends who I thought were supporting me when I lost my husband of 40 years. Until I began to feel as though I could socialise a little and then you could feel them bristling. Then the invitations stopped. I really don’t understand the mindset that because you’ve lost your own man, you’re intent on taking someone else’s’.

100% agreement!

I've had this since I was in my late teens and started socialising. I'm short, plain, and have very little interest in any human specimens, let alone the married variety. I'm still convinced the relationships I did end up in were accidental... besides which almost all of the guys were rubbish anyway, it's why I now live with a platonic female friend. (Try explaining that to anyone who hasn't watched Sex Education...)

Why the hell would I want anyone else's smelly husband or boyfriend?!

This was the situation my Mum was in. Once her friends were widowed they came back, and wanted to go on holiday with her again etc etc.

Haha

Im a single woman and I definitely do not want your husband. Mate you don’t even want him why would I 🤣

I wish there were a special type of ring you could wear on a designated finger, to indicate that you are not up for it, not interested, under any circumstances.

My Mum had this problem too 😔
She didn't want the husbands either! 🙄

Op, if you were my widowed friend, I would invite you round often and my DH would make the cocktails! I understand exactly what you are saying, but not all of us are cunts, I promise! Xxx

If I don't want to be a third wheel, I have the option to say I can't make it. They don't get to attempt to mind-read and decide for me.

Only one pair of my and late husband's couple friends, still meet up with me as a couple.

After the first few months of being lovely, meet ups with the others ended up exactly as OP describes. The visits to their homes almost always had the husband disappearing after greeting me . Funny how they always had an errand to do.
And the first I knew of the various friends' annual parties that we always used to be invited to, was when I saw the photos on mutual friends' Facebook pages

Then it stopped being invitations to their houses completely, and just being the female half arranging to meet me for coffee (or if I was lucky, lunch).

I try not to dwell on it. But it absolutely sucks.

Maybe they don't trust their husbands ??

Hahaha, some things never change, do they?!

I was the first in a large group of friends to get divorced. You'd think I had the plague, I got dropped from everything. One friend even tried to hide when she saw me in a supermarket!

Over the next few years, all of those friends found themselves divorced too. They all got back in touch. I'd moved on and had real friends by then.

This happened to my Mum when she and my Dad split up.

Her married friends just suddenly ditched her.

She definitely was not interested in any of their husbands!

I doubt anyone is assuming you ‘want their husband’ or are viewing you as a threat. Much more likely that they are thinking you won’t want to be a third wheel.

Never understood why people thought I'd want their husband. Any man that will abandon his family to take up with someone else's isn't the sort of man I'd bank on to be loyal!

Once I got divorced I was never invited to a dinner party again. ( I know, it was the thing then! )
Not even by my sister. Couples seem to think single women have the plague.

I'm inclined to agree. There are too many men out there who think "Ooh, divorcee, widow, single... must be desperate for it!!".

After I split from exH I had several of my friends' other halves trying their luck. Sickening really, that they would think that not only would I jump at the chance of a quick fumble with a man in a relationship, but that I would betray my friend as well.

I don’t think it’s always such a suspicious reason (though impact the same on the single person) - sometimes the guy wants other guys there which often means couples. I always make a point of inviting single people as I hated that when I was single this happened as I missed mixed company - but I also find some women decline as they don’t like being the only person not in a couple (but always best to ask and let them choose). I’m sorry this is your experience.

I was widowed a few years ago. I noticed a definite change in the attitudes of even close friends and I was really hurt when I found out about social events that I would previously have been invited to. Let it go OP. Until people experience for themselves the pain of losing a partner they can’t possibly understand that a whole way of life is lost as well, and that the last thing on a widows’ mind is a ‘replacement’.