I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

I'm single and I've never wanted my own husband, let alone yours.

Gosh, what makes you think anybody would see you as a threat? Humble brag? Honestly, some people. Maybe you are boring company? Why immediately jump to conclusion that you are a potential threat? Why?????

That's what I was thinking (rather than fear of a husband grab)

So sadly true. I never realised how many men must cheat for their wives to be so paranoid until we started primary school. I have had 2 mums ask me to stop talking to their husbands at pick up!

You wouldn't imagine there was a group of 6 of us chatting or anything regularly, would you? Married mums in the group were never got asked to stop...

I really wanted to reply that I really have zero need for a bald fat man who you told me never does the basics around the house and is on his 3rd wife, thanks.

🤣

Don't know why, but this is definitely a thing.
Sad to lose friends.

Indeed - I could have written your post. The last thing I need is to take on another man, and definitely not one attached to an existing partner.

I’m middle aged and recently widowed . My DH and I had mutual and separate friends. I’ve been incredibly grateful for the support I’ve had from our friends - both male and female. Both as couples and singularly many people have been really genuinely kind - just because they are nice people and they know that my DH would have done the same to support them if they had been in this position

Sorry about your husband. I think they think you might feel left out or more sad, not that you'll chat up their husband.

I get sad as a single mum that I don't get invited on things like camping trips when a few little families will go together. Even though my son and I are a family? People just don't seem to think of us when organizing something like that, I think it might be as their husbands worry it'll become a girlie weekend if there are more women than men?

Their husbands probably act like a creep around other women.

As if anybody would actually be interested in their balding, paunchy, stained, snaggletooth, Kyle.

And they certainly aren't rubbing their marriage and anyone's face.

They forget we've known the couples for decades and we know he is a lazy annoying turd.

I hear you. I was a single mum in my 20s and early 30s and was left out of a LOT of meet ups, etc. At weddings, the other women would shun me. Then, when I met and married my now husband, I was miraculously "safe" again.

I just thought about my single friend. It has never crossed my mind to think about her stealing my husband, but I guess what often crosses my mind is that she might find it more awkward if we went out as a trio, and therefore it's a better courtesy to go just the two of us. Plus I am not sure DH wants to tag along and would prefer the excuse to do his own thing.

You might not want their husbands but their husbands may want you 😂 Watch the first 30 mins of ‘The Idea of You’, it’s pretty hilarious.

Since I’ve become single, the husbands in the couple are suddenly a lot friendlier and message to check in where they previously didn’t! They’re even organising socialising for their wife with me 😇😂

I don't actually know any widows but for me typically when it comes to most of my friends, they're MY friend more than my husband's... So if I was going to go out somewhere with such a friend I'd rather my husband was doing something useful or minding the kids rather than being a third wheel on my date with my friend! And so would he I think.

Likewise with partnered/married friends the main reason to bring along other halves is to keep each other company whilst I see MY friend. If the friend's OH wasn't coming mine wouldn't either, probably.

This might to be fair, be because my husband is more of an introvert than I am, we have a few mutual friends of either sex but he doesn't want to maintain as many friendships as I do, so I have more friends to catch up with. He's not going to want to join me to catch up with them every single time though of course if they were to come round our house, he will often be there.

I can't speak to the dynamic in your friendships but are you sure it isn't just that their husband's don't want to be hanging around as a third wheel, as opposed to your married friends hiding their husbands from you?

Do you actually know that is the reason or have you made it all up in your head?

I agree!
I am eternally grateful to my friend and her husband who regularly invited me out to dinner/the pub with them most Saturday nights after my divorce.
I’ve now remarried and the four of us are still great friends, 20 years later

Nearly eight years widowed and the only friend from my late DH's "side" as it were, who haven't dropped me is a divorced a woman. Couples who were "both" don't invite me with other couples, only on my own or with another single woman.

On the other hand, all the non - Australian friends are staunch.

I agree. To be fair I don’t understand why some women drag their boring husband along to friendship groups which don’t include them

I have this (I am divorced) from one or two friends husbands. Invited for lunch or dinner but suddenly the DH (who only works very part-time) is absolutely unavailable for the rest of the day / evening (multiple reasons). I used to think it was kindness to ensure that I could spend time with my friend. I no longer think that and for years wondered if it was that I was so totally dull that this person wouldn't want to spend any time with me. I don't think that either any more. I think men are mostly very selfish and if it doesn't benefit them to spend time with people then they won't.

I thought about this recently. I'm late forties, long term single. I'm now the friend who's only good enough for coffee now and again. Afternoons only. Never get invited to spend time with friends and their husbands but they do invite their couple friends.

I think it's assumed men wouldn't want to hang out with just one female friend. Not interesting enough.

Oh dear, I meet up with my friends without DH in tow because I think we’ll have more fun without him sitting in on the chat like a wee gooseberry, and I want to talk to them, not him. I spend a lot of time with DH, so I really enjoy being with my friends on my own.

It never occurred to me my single friends would be upset by this… and it definitely never crossed my mind that they might fancy him, or vice versa.

I don't have this sort of social life in the first place. I have my friends, and DH knows some of them well, and some of them he probably only recognises their name but doesn't know them. Some of my friends are couples but many are single. I know most of DH's good friends, but mainly not super well.

You could have mine. But I warn you, he's getting near retirement age, he doesn't hear as well as he did, and he's a bit knackered.

I suspect having overheard couples talking about people who have had adverse life events it’s because “I don’t know what to say.” It’s just easier to avoid people rather than come face to face with it and feel uncomfortable. Yes, it’s very shallow.

When my ex h and I had a special needs child other couples started to avoid us then. By the time I separated from ex h there were very few of our previous couple friends still around, so I didn’t notice anything too much after that! We used to go away on holidays and stuff with these couples. It was fun but looking back on it the friendships were superficial. Family members tend to be more accepting to adversity on the whole and stick with you more. Most friendships eventually come to an end.