I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

I think @PermanentTemporary has been one of the very few honest posters. Everything is reevaluated after loss.

My best friend's husband died when she was 45.. Traumatic illness, heartbreakingly unfair and painful. She went through a completely insane stage, that was definitely not publicised but i obv knew as i was her shoulder to cry on. She was shagging randoms off the internet, partying. She is quite fierce and checked the men's IDs etc but she was wild and chaotic for around 18 months. She was remarried within 4 years though and says now, looking back, she cannot believe her behaviour at all. She feels like she just woke up one day, with a new husband. She is now back in her white picket fence life, with her career, new DH and her kids. You really would not know.

I'm sorry OP. 💐

Do you really think they think you're after their husbands, or do they just feel awkward and not want to rub their couple status in your face when you've lost your husband?

I'm not defending it, and I'm sure that if one of our friends was widowed we wouldn't treat them like this.

One of my parents' friends died prematurely and they socialise with his widow even more now than they did before his death.

I've experienced similar and totally agree!

I remember those looks and that treatment 30 plus years ago as an attractive single female returning from 8 years in London to my home village. It was awful. I wasn't after their boyfriends/husbands, just the usual exchanges at the bar waiting to be served. Doesn't make me the better person I know but when I see those miserable women about now, it cheers me up that all those mean ugly thoughts have aged them badly just like that Ronald Dahl and the Twits meme .

I was so lonely back then starting out afresh looking for new friends and not very confident inside. It got to the point I was going to give it 6 months and say yes to everything I was asked to hopefully meet some nice people and make friends or give up and move somewhere else. Thankfully it worked for me, still in the area, married a very long time etc etc.
I'm so sorry that these women are treating you like this at such a vulnerable time. I know it's easy to say it but you really need to make some new friends. I hope by trying out some new clubs/interests, you will eventually find them.

You wanted all of your friends' husbands, to the point where you had to avoid them all?

Widow here.I have 3 dcs with SEN.I am a social leper!Sadly this is the way of many couples that I mixed with when dh was living.

Dh passed away two years ago and our "friends" do the occasional message "how are you?" but its glib and superficial. My reply is always left unread but hey they went through the motions!

Not in the new Beyonce version!

For me it hit home when I had a big birthday coming up. Started to plan a party.... 2 friends told me separately I should make it just the girls.
I was so hurt.
All the ladies on here saying it's in our heads - invite your single friend to a meal with both of you - watch her face light up and then come back and apologise for not believing what we're saying.

Not sure why you're attributing the worst possible motive to your own friends OP? As I really don't think women are as jealous and insecure around each other than some think. IME most middle aged women are fairly realistic about how desirable their middle aged husband is and don't go around thinking they're going to run off with their friends. Some do of course, but I'd say the odds of your entire friendship group feeling this way are slim.
If these are nice women it's possible they think it might be difficult for you to be around couples. As it actually is for some people in your situation. The easiest thing is surely to tell THEM that you'd like to be included rather that imagine the worst of women based on a minority behaviour. If they then exclude you, then they're not good friends after all.

Yes widow here too - it's rubbish & weird
I'm invited to the girl things & the odd thing where there are couples, but it's obvious other things have been happening & I haven't been included as they talk about it.
There are also the friends who weren't there for you/your DH who then feel guilty so don't see you.
The ones who have a set idea of how you should grieve, the length of time etc. & if you don't , they can't handle it.
And the people you make friends with but then they treat you terribly & when you don't stand for it - they can't understand as you must be desperate for friends since your DH died.

@ZeroFucksGivenToday i hear you. the worst night out for me as a single woman was a wedding. I was on the "table of random guests", next to a drunken man who kept falling off his chair. I slipped away as soon as dinner was over

i have to say though, that despite claims on your thread title. Statistics prove that you possibly may.

I can see that would be hurtful but think they could believe that it may be difficult for you. Lonely in a crowd. DM found it made her sad.

It wouldn’t happen to me because we never socialise as a couple and never have. We actively avoid it

@HelpMeUnpickThis you do t have to expect it. I had the most unbelievably solid support from.all my friends, whatever their sex or relationship status.

I wonder if this is why I have been abandoned by friends since DH’s recent death shortly into the new year.
I’ve only seen two friends, on 3 occasions.
Conversely I happily sent DH round to fix a leaking shower for a (then single) friend and also to do some car repairs. It seems I’m not likely to get the same help from anybody.

Maybe they don't think you want their husband. Maybe they think going away for a weekend with a couple/couples doesn't interest you.

If you want to go ask.

What a strange thread. 2 of my friends were widowed in their 30s it never once crossed my mind that they wanted my husband.

@PermanentTemporary

Thank you for your honesty. It’s refreshing.

I am sorry for your loss.

@CousinBette I am sorry for your loss as well.

I am facing a divorce so I think I will experience similar (being ditched) soon.

I always saw the husbands as friends as much as the women, and never had any problems with them (before or after DH died). It seems the wives have an issue with that though.

We never did dinner parties with our couple friends, but we had a lot of evenings and days out and some weekends away, around a shared hobby. We also used to meet up just the women, but I don't get included in that anymore either. I just get judged for what I do do to get out and about.

My life has never involved dinner parties. But it has involved friendships that my husband and I had with other couples. We got to know each other as couples, we socialised as couples. Went on days out as couples etc

I find the whole dinner party assumption a totally Mumsnet thing.

It's also pretty sad that so many mumsnetters can't see men as friends.

I've found all my married female friends dropped me since DH died too. I don't know why TBh, I'd be amazed if they think I'm after their husbands have they seen their husbands? or that their husbands would want me, but even before the funeral I didn't fit in the group anymore and there were secret outings arranged without me.

At the same time as abandoning me completely, they've been very disapproving of my attempts to carry on living. 3 years on, I have a nice group of mostly single friends, about 60% male and have had lots of adventures, but apparently that's all wrong too.

The good news is, the single life with single friends is wonderful, and I do wonder if some of their response is a bit of jealousy about my freedom.

When my parents ndn’s got divorced the man told my df he would actively look for a widow as he didn’t want an ex in the background.
He did meet a widow and married her too.
Poor woman he was the tightest man I’ve ever known.

But she had a whole lot of fun.

Not every time, not even most of the time, but when you're just routinely excluded because the husbands are out

Oh, I totally agree that to be deliberately excluded is no doubt hurtful.

I suppose I'm just surprised that people have that many dinner parties is all. I find that I tend to meet up with my friends alone far more often as you can talk more freely. To me, dinner parties just seem a load of superficial chit chat and nothing particularly deep or personal due to the fact there are so many people present and when sat round a table you can only really talk to the person sat next to you anyway. Buy yes, I agree that excluding people who were previously included is weird and hurtful behaviour.

And the award for missing the point of the thread goes to..