I’m a middle-aged widow. I don’t want your husband

Regards a widow joining a couple for activities previously enjoyed as two couples, it’s incredibly naive to think that can carry on when there has been such a change in dynamics.

Change that to a widower and he'll be invited along the same as before he was widowed.

Alternative view. I have been seriously unwell. Two of my friends have asked who I think he would marry! 😄

I do know he would have a queue of casorole givers. I'll be dead so none of my business but they won't get my jewellery.

Yes, are they scared of me or themselves?

I recently went on a sporting weekend where I was the only woman and only knew 2 of the men (both single).

The other 3 men all managed to tell me they were married within the very first few words spoken at the airport.

Regards a widow joining a couple for activities previously enjoyed as two couples, it’s incredibly naive to think that can carry on when there has been such a change in dynamics.

Thank goodness I still have one or two couple friends who do still treat me the way they always did. Somehow we still manage to go to the pub, for a meal or for a day out without me having to feel that I'm 'tagging along'.

Turns out I have nothing to moan about at all.

I seem to have been approaching widowhood very differently from your contacts. I don't want people thinking 'poor me', I want people to treat me like they always did.

@namechangealerttt

Thanks for this, I have a disabled DC and am carer so this probably compounds my irritation to be honest. There is mostly no day off. My DH works hard to support and I do get some breaks, even if I wanted to take a week holiday with friends he would absolutely be behind that 100%.

With my friend she has at least 2 days, every week with no work and no DC. She just doesn’t seem to get that I don’t have time to do xyz because I don’t get a regular complete day off.

There are constant problems and largely self created drama, in amongst the proactive forward movement for her.

I keep saying to her to put her energy into positive action and to make the most of her (massive expanse) of free time. But I don’t think she gets the opportunity she has really.

A friend (single) told me that all married men squeeze that fact into the first few sentences when you meet them. And it's true, even random men I meet out with the dogs. Mentioning wife and children as soon as we've agreed on the crap weather.

Sometimes they have a good reason to be threatened by them/worried about them, but IMO, it's unhappily married women that are more of a threat to your marriage than single women, or widows.

No. The biggest threat to your marriage in that situation is a husband you can’t trust.

An unhappily married woman isn't a threat unless your DH/DP isn't trustworthy. A newly-single woman is a 'damsel in distress' and it brings out the 'knight in shining armour' in some men.

The man is usually the problem.

Oh yeah, definitely. I mean, I'm married and even I've had this ... I'm a plump, middle aged woman. But if I talk to a middle age man in public, (eg just to pass him a trolley at Morrisons,) and say 'there ya go' and I smile, I get him looking at me like I'm a piece of shit on his shoe. 💩

And I also get men calling me 'mate' just so that I know that they don't fancy me, because they know I'm so desperate to jump their bones and shag them because I smiled. 😆 Some men have just got such a massive overinflated sense of superiority. It's just hilarious. I've got my own husband. He's a lazy fat fucker like me who likes to eat nice food and sit in front the of TV, and go for lazy walks in the woods, and sit drinking wine on a Friday night in the pub.. We match perfectly well and I don't want any other man and he doesn't want any other woman.

nb; not ALL men I speak to look at me like I'm shit, but most middle aged men do. Much younger men and much older men (a generation younger or older,) are kind and friendly and polite. (Most of them!) The middle aged ones think I fancy them if I even glance at them for a nansecond!!! 😆

And yet for so many of us that has been a very real lived experience. Maybe come back and tell us about yours once you've experienced it?

I mean, me and DH wouldn't go out with just one single woman - because to be honest with you, that would be quite awkward. And if I was single, I wouldn't want to go out with a couple on my own.

Why? And would you give your single friend a choice in this or make that decision for her?

I see couple friends as a three all the time because I enjoy the company of both of them. I don’t feel “outnumbered” or some such.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

No. I am exasperated because she asks me to go to raves, rings me at nearly midnight for a chat, has totally inappropriate toxic relationships for sex then needs hours of essentially therapy to cope with it, because she asks me to come and help her tidy and organise her house, because she decides to drink on days out with the kids. She really isn’t in a bad place anymore, but it’s as if she’s reverted to being in 20s prior to marriage.

I’m tired. I don’t have up to 5 days free in the week without responsibility. I don’t have the resources to either support or socialise as she’s asking and it is exasperating to have to explain that I’ve been up from 6.30am with kids whenever she’s just surfaced at 11.30am for brunch and is considering a nap in the afternoon before going out at night.

I absolutely don’t want her set up, but I wish she would see how much space and energy she has to make positive change for herself and that she would have more consideration for what myself and other full time mums are dealing with.

I've been single for a long time. The couples who want to hang out with you are the ones you want to hang out with. If that is their attitude they're not worth it. I know it can be hard, but take the chance to make some new, better, friends.

what a about a time share situation. Would that be acceptable to you?

I was sort of flattered at the time but looking back it’s a back handed compliment!

You also get men who seem to think you’re after them, 2 men, married in my street who both seem to think if we say hello or I acknowledge them that I’m gonna jump their bones. Dream on sweetheart! This is after them chatting to me. So what, do they want me to ignore them? Because they’re so irresistible. 😂

That's awful. It's just so ridiculous, and insulting, and narrow minded. Whenever me and DH are out in groups of say six to fourteen people, we've never, ever excluded the single women/divorcees/widows. That would be about a third of our social circle LOL!!!

I mean, me and DH wouldn't go out with just one single woman - because to be honest with you, that would be quite awkward. And if I was single, I wouldn't want to go out with a couple on my own. But I really fail to see why a bunch of couples together would never want a single/widowed woman with them.

Are all the women in these 4, 5, or 6 couples terrified that this newly single or widowed woman, is going to take her husband away? I find that extremely bizarre. Like I said, nobody I know in any of the couples I know, would exclude single, widowed, and divorced women like this for social events.

Awww, that's so wholesome! 😆

I got told years ago in my early 20s by older women I worked with that I’d make a lovely wife because I made a lovely cup of tea! 😂🫣

When I separated from my ex my friends practically abandoned me, but still had couples nights while I sat home alone. I completely understand. One got back in touch when she found I remarried. I didn’t get back to her.

So yes, some married women are massively threatened by single women/ widows. Of course, not all married women are, but yeah, certainly some are sometimes ... Sometimes they have a good reason to be threatened by them/worried about them, but IMO, it's unhappily married women that are more of a threat to your marriage than single women, or widows.

No. The biggest threat to your marriage in that situation is a husband you can’t trust.

@BrightYellowDaffodil , my DM is still single - she was having none of it. Had DM died before DF, I suspect he'd have remarried within months.

Friend's DF had a girlfriend within weeks of being widowed., which wasn't nice for my friend. Friend didn't say much but didn't need to.

I’m a single woman and don’t want your husband!

Yes to this.

I was divorced at forty and despite the fact that my ex h had never come out with us all I was suddenly excluded from get togethers and told “ well you don’t really fit in now you are single “ 🙄

I cut contact from those so called friends .. 12 years later I’m happily married but becoming single didn’t turn me into a raging man eater !

When this happened to someone I knew it was women with the most grotesque husbands who seemed to think my attractive, intelligent friend would be desperate to lure their overweight, tv obsessed lazy arses away.