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Original poster

DH didn’t come home… again

483 replies

Roonil · 26/05/2024 14:14

Please help me make sense of what’s going on with DH. Will try keep it as brief as possible.

We have 2 DC - one is 4, one is 6 months.

I’ve forgiven him for a lot over the years (together 10 years), and since we had our eldest he’s gone AWOL on me a few times after nights out with his mates. Well, last night he did it again. I woke up with the baby in the early hours and he wasn’t home, so sent a message asking where he was. No reply. Up with baby again about an hour and a half later, again no reply. Tried to call with next wake up, didn’t pick up. By this point it was about 5.30am - everything would have been closed. He went out in the afternoon. If he’d have responded ‘in a bar/at friend’s house, be home later’ or just ANYTHING it would’ve been fine, but it was the ignoring that bothered me. He would’ve just not come home with zero contact if I hadn’t pushed it.

Next time I woke with baby (we’re both ill with Covid and she’s EBF, so I’ve done all night feeds for 6 months and am knackered/feeling shit) I sent a message saying I was locking the front door. Miraculously he responded straight away. Claimed he had been trying to get home for “hours” but his bank cards had been “blocked”. I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not mine” - as if I’m ending the relationship. Feels like he’s trying to push me to leave?

When I said again that I was upset and he needed to stop being so irresponsible at 36, he responded “cry me a fucking river.”

Even if his story is true, why not respond? If you were stuck, surely you’d be on your phone trying to sort a solution? But also, he could’ve gone home with friends who live in the same direction, or asked one of them to book him an Uber and pay them back. Also thinking if it’s true, he’s blown an awful lot of money… why else would his cards stop working other than the accounts being emptied?

He’s still not made an appearance. No idea where he is. Had to tell eldest DC that daddy wasn’t home this morning because he’s having a sleepover with his friend.

I spoke to a friend about it this morning, and they said it comes across like he just doesn’t care about being with me or being a family man. To me it’s the latest example of him choosing the single lifestyle over his family, and expecting me to just be there and not question him about anything, ever.

I feel like he’s gradually treating me worse and worse, but it’s heightened since I went on maternity leave, when I’m more vulnerable. But then I don’t know if he’s that calculating…

I wouldn’t mind as much if this was a one off, but he’s got form for irresponsible partying type behaviour and, like I said, has pulled disappearing acts before.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 27/05/2024 08:03

Haven't RTFT but he's having an affair.

Alwaysalwayscold · 27/05/2024 07:56

He's a real manipulator isn't he. Hope things are clearer this morning OP.

TheTartfulLodger · 27/05/2024 07:56

Roonil · 26/05/2024 19:35

Suggested he goes to stay somewhere for a short while. It turned into a conversation about how I can make him happier. He asked me why he should “suffer” by being made to go stay somewhere else. I don’t know what he wants from me.

You do really. He wants out of the relationship. He's trying to force your hand. He wants you to end things so that he doesn't have to do it himself and can make you out to be the problem. That's why he's turning it into a 'you' problem and not acknowledging his own behaviour. He's essentially blaming you for the way he behaves. You know this is never going to change right? Your kids deserve better. Children form relationships based on what they have experienced and witnessed growing up. Remember that by staying in this situation you are teaching them what to put up. Teach them empowerment instead while there's still time.

ThursdaysMonkey · 27/05/2024 07:56

OP please stop thinking about how you can make him happier. You can't, it's not you making him unhappy.

Your children are seeing that this is an acceptable way to treat their mother and how a relationship should work. It's time to call it.

Ydkiml · 27/05/2024 07:47

How you feeling this morning op . ? Did he come back lastnight . Sorry you are going through this .

SnuffyAndBigBird · 27/05/2024 07:02

She was left alone with covid to take care of an ebf baby with covid for a night - so he could party. He did not answer her calls all night and didn't come home almost 24 hours. He is now blaming her

Go buy yourself a notebook, write down all the things he does, times and when, and keep it hidden. Keep any evidence you can find too. Go to the doctor and tell them what is happening to you. He is as gaslighting ManTwat, and if you can collect evidence and info (go back over your memory and write it down) and have it for when he starts saying things about you, you will be able to demonstrate that he is not fit to be around your DC.

I also think you need to speak to Women’s Aid for some support.

Crumpetsssss · 27/05/2024 06:56

@ElbiTut - excellent post. Your explanation of why counselling wouldn’t work in these sorts of situations is the best I’ve seen.

I wish I read it about ten years ago!

kkloo · 27/05/2024 06:38

He's a problem drinker. He won't change.
My ex was like this and he never changed. I posted a few times about it on a different forum and was told by pretty much everyone who had been through it that he wouldn't change.

I stayed for a lot longer, but only because he would threaten suicide etc if he left....he was very psychologically manipulative. Once or twice he went to a token AA meeting or started therapy but it was just a manipulation tactic. He was devastated by the split but did the same in his next relationship and ruined that too. He still hasn't changed.

I bet if you did it he'd lose the plot.

willowtolive · 27/05/2024 06:36

He's disgusting and I felt upset reading your post . Get him out

mrsmiserable · 27/05/2024 06:14

Chocolateorange22 · 26/05/2024 16:01

Speak to womens aid about what rights you have about leaving him

Remove all your documents and sensitive info from your house and keep it at your parents

If you do kick him out make sure a trusted male is at the house and not yourself. Just so you don't feel pressured by his manipulation or gaslighting.

This. I am so sorry you are going through this. You need lots of support from your family and friends.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 27/05/2024 05:58

I’m confused, does he want to talk to you or blame you because it sounds like the latter to me.

The first brings a chance of honesty, ownership and reconciliation.

The seconds aim is pity, but result most likely to be resentment. Do not give him a chance to gaslight you. Keep your boundaries tight for you and your DC.

Babybelle23 · 27/05/2024 05:00

Please leave him. You are worthy of more, so are your little ones. He is trying to gaslight you and what he’s doing when you have so much going on is sick. If you don’t at least kick him out for a bit, he will never respect you and will know he can get away with it time after time.
please talk to a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and grey rock him in the meantime. No emotion/ no response. Get him out of your life before he drives you insane and is a terrible role model for your kids ❤️ I’m sending you so much love

KomodoOhno · 27/05/2024 04:55

The danger of forgiving a lot is you shoe someone how you'll allow them to treat you. I think it's time to stop forgiving.

Bellsbeachwaves · 27/05/2024 03:46

Might b cocaine. Steel yourself. Might get worse before it gets better. Try and get him out. Do not listen to his words, listen to his actions. His words are word salad designed to confuse. Boundary up. Do not listen to him. Surround yourself with people you trust. I'm sorry this is happening. Unlikely to get better.

LondonFox · 27/05/2024 01:15

Roonil · 26/05/2024 14:49

He’s just walked in, said he stayed at his brother’s.
Came in and just said “you unlocked the door then.”
He proceeded to tell me all the things I do that make him unhappy (basically that I’m always having a go at him about something).
Gave me a very feeble apology, told me he slept at the train station, waited for first train and stayed at his brother’s because he came home to locked door.
But a lot about his story isn’t adding up. Says his phone died, which is why he didn’t reply initially. But he did to me later to try stop me locking up.
then said he kept trying to book an Uber but card was declined and phone died

he does this every time… fucks up and then turns it into a debate about me

Sounds like he was deep in coke and drinks and could not be bothered.
In his mind you and children are probably stoping him from having the best time of his life.
Sort yourself and bin him.
He will be bad role model for your children.
And I am really not a saint.

bananaramaterry · 27/05/2024 01:08

Roonil · 26/05/2024 15:18

It’s good to know I’m not losing my mind. Sometimes I worry I overreact/am too harsh where I’m so tired.

Because he's gas lighting you! That's why you feel that way.

SnowFrogJelly · 27/05/2024 00:57

LTB

CJsGoldfish · 27/05/2024 00:44

We could have such a lovely life if he’d just be a partner
But he isn't and your children are watching and learning. These babies are counting on you to teach them what a normal, healthy relationship looks like

He is counting on the fact that you are internalising the blame that he is shifting on to you. Be strong OP. Talk to people you trust. FEEL their support. This is NOT the life you deserve. This is NOT the life your kids deserve. You have the strength, you just need to find it

Finallysawthelight · 27/05/2024 00:41

Ladyj84 · 26/05/2024 14:37

Sorry but I find it hard to sympathise with someone who has stayed and then chosen to have another baby

@Ladyj84 you need to start looking into the dynamics of domestic abuse. You're making it sound as easy as stay or leave, if it was that easy life would be very different. It's not that easy at all. And she chose to have another baby because she wanted another baby, for her own reasons, it may or may not have anything to do with her relationship, but again, it's not simple, because life rarely is!

DoingJustFine · 27/05/2024 00:24

I’ve only read the first post but it doesn’t sound like he cares about you or the kids in any way. He vanishes all night when you and his baby are sick with Covid? Then tells you to “cry {him} a fucking river” when you say it makes you unhappy?

Are you really married? This doesn’t sound like a married man. There’s no commitment here at all.

Life will be lovely when he’s gone. Promise. It’ll be so much easier.

Catlicker · 27/05/2024 00:10

I’m sorry it’s like this. But you know this is not normal or a happy relationship. For whatever reason, right now he can’t be a good dad or partner. You’ll fly on your own without the constant mental weight of this shit. Promise

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 27/05/2024 00:05

RishiFinallyDidTheRightThing · 26/05/2024 20:50

I think what he wants is for you to have no needs, to be available for him when he wants sex or housekeeping services and raise your children single-handed.

Show quote history

And not complain.

OP in your situation I would (did) ask him to leave a few more times, explaining that it would be best for the kids not to be disrupted, and if he refused I would (did) go myself.

There is the other option of a legal separation under the same roof (as pp mentioned) but you'd have to be very certain that you would be safe, including psychologically, and that he's not going to escalate his behaviour and punish you as you withdraw further. From the little I've read already, I don't think you would be.

NotSoHotMess24 · 27/05/2024 00:00

I'm upset and fuming for you OP. Kick him out, for definite.

One thing I will say, not to be harsh, is that it sounds like he treats you like a bit of a doormat, and that as a consequence he doesn't respect you. This is all entirely HIS fault, no doubt. But it's happened. I know it's hard with young children, but maybe look at finding some time for you to do something for yourself, if you have have a good support network. Not necessarily this, but one woman on here recently, got into running (with her pram and baby!), once she kicked out her nasty, useless knob of a husband. Move on, and live your best life. When he realises the grass isn't greener, don't let him back in x

PinkyFlamingo · 26/05/2024 23:44

To the person who suggested counselling, no way, you don't go to counselling with an abusive man!

DreamTheMoors · 26/05/2024 23:43

Ladyj84 · 26/05/2024 14:37

Sorry but I find it hard to sympathise with someone who has stayed and then chosen to have another baby

You’re no lady — you’re a bully.