DH didn’t come home… again

He sounds selfish and childish. And controlling. You and your children deserve much better xx

" I told him how upset/angry I was and that he should have just messaged me, etc. etc., and he told me I was “locking him out of his home” and that “this is your decision, not"

This is totally gaslighting!! I wasted 5 years with someone like this, thankfully not married and no kids but he used to treat me like this and I just took it. I'm so angry for my younger self and in another life I might have found someone else and had kids (now too late and other relationships since didn't work, partly because that one totally messed up my idea of how a relationship would be).

He does not deserve you or your children until he sorts himself out and grows up.

He’s pushing you to finish it. Men rarely leave a relationship to be alone. My guess is that his next conquest is lined up.

The Cry me a fucking river reply is telling and chilling.

I had a P like this. We had 2 DC 16 months apart. He carried on with his big city big money lifestyle.

We moved country and he didn't have the network and the friends to have that life and stay out all night. So he became angry and negative, more contrilling and critical of me. He loathed me being off with babies and not working. He just wanted his lifestyle back.

So even if you find a way to prevent him behaving this way it'll only be for a time and it won't change who is is and how he feels about family life.

sending support OP

This man has zero respect for you, doesn’t love you, is lying to you and is probably cheating on you. He treats you like shit, he’s a bad father and you’re both setting an awful example for the children. You need to leave him, if not for yourself, then for the children. Move back to your parents and sell the house.

He wants you to dump him so he doesn't have to do it.

Best of luck - you'll be so glad you got rid of him this time in 6 months when you look back.

They often show their true colours during pregnancy and early years.

The realisation the world doesn't revolve around them can be taken as a personal insult.

Their immaturity leads to complete inability to cope with the needs of a helpless child and new baby.

Their mummy taking their side and throwing insults suggests a boy who has not grown up.

And the fact that your attention must now be elsewhere, so you have of course changed - that is somehow a fault, resented instead of celebrated.

This all happens a lot.

OP you need to get angry and assertive. The signs are already apparent that you’re putting another coin in the merry-go-round:

1. You’re seeking his account for his actions
2. You’re defending his infrequent socialising

Truth is, it doesn’t matter. It also doesn’t matter whether drugs, alcohol, gambling, infidelity or anything is at the root of his behaviour. You’re at risk of explaining his behaviour away by focusing on, and ultimately ascribing it to to cocaine or whatever. In doing so, detaching your DH from his actions. Therefore he evades accountability and responsibility - so not his fault.

Instead of twisting yourself into an emotional pretzel trying to work out the cause, and then working through a pointless plan on how to extinguish it as the way of ‘having your husband back’ I kindly suggest that you focus on what you know for sure:

1. The way he treats you
2. How he speaks to you
3. That he gaslights you
4. How he disregards your DC
5. … and so on

Make a list as it will have an important role for YOUR onward actions and decisions. The List will help you connect with his shitty behaviour and to admit it to yourself. Then, look at that list, really study it and connect with how each one makes you feel.

Ask yourself whether The List represents model behaviours for your children to act like or to tolerate. Don’t get rid of the list, get rid of the person behind the behaviour in the list - or own your part and decision to keep adding to it and for making it a part of you and your DC life.

I understand your torment and feelings of disillusionment OP; I know it might feel scary, but staying won’t take away the fear from your relationship. Sending you strength.

OP. This one phrase helped me turn around my thinking:-
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

It's him and his faulty personality. He has needs and wants that you can't possibly meet and that's not your fault.
People on here have some good advice about what to do next.

I’m sorry you are going through this. He won’t change. He and a chance to and chose not to.

The choice is now yours:
stay and accept that this is how he will be
leave him.

As it doesn’t seem like he will move out then you will have to. Move to your parents, yes there isn’t enough space but it will only be temporary until you get yourself better placed.

And be prepared for flying monkeys (his mum, brother etc…) who have only heard his side of the story and have a biased view (this behaviour might have been embedded for generations).

OP, If you are not ready to get rid of him, at least do a little preparation.
Know the finances, search for solicitors where you can get an initial free appointment, important documents copied, especially his earnings and bank accounts. Your valuables removed to a safe place. Your passwords changed. Investigate CSA/universal credit. Just know. Knowledge is power. You don't have to use it, but don't end up blindsided.
Other posters will have a better idea of the preparation you need.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you've internalised all his nonsense and are actually questioning if its unreasonable for someone to a) go have fun while their wife is knackered and EBF and really needs a break, b) still do this while wife and baby have actual covid and his 4 year old also needs cared for (wtf would have happened if you or baby got worse? if baby's fever spiked and you needed to go to hospital?), c)show zero remorse and use the situation to highlight how you could be working harder to make him happier (really, really curious as to what his suggestions were, and where he gets the actual audacity for this).

Yes, life would be wonderful if he stepped up, but you and the kids will be fine, he'll be the one missing out. I think you'll be surprised how nice it can be when your friends and family are supporting you, rather than being gaslighted by this man-shaped sack of entitlement.

Hoping for the best of things for you ahead and the kids. And I hope the next time he's sleeping at the train station, he gets bitten by a wild fox and the footage goes viral.

Classic gaslighting to make you feel like you're losing your mind.

I'm so sorry OP but he is scum. It might be hard initially but long term you will feel soooo much better getting rid of him! I can't believe he went out all night and not even an apology just made it all your fault!!!

It will be cocaine 100%. In a day or so he will be at the depressed stage of his comedown and you and the kids will be the best thing that ever happened to him, bla bla. Sad
to say, he will never change. I put up with this for years longer than I would like
to admit, he’s still doing it now to his wife after me. Unless you want to live like this forever, I honestly would start putting plans into place.

I am sorry OP, but it does read like you’re just going to be mad for a day or two then let it go again. He is playing you like an absolute fool and you’re letting him.

He is either on coke, or cheating, or both. He has a wife and kids at home and is out all night, talking to you like shit and then twisting it to make you out to be the bad one? That is abusive.

You need to stop tolerating this shit, he’s walking all over you and you’re letting him.

I’m really sorry you are upset but he is walking all over you.
Why do you tolerate that ? A 36 years old should not be going out at weekends to get pissed with friends . I never got the co copy of men going to pubs while women say home with the kids . He clearly doesn’t love you , you need to do better for your boys and yourself and leave him once and for all . What sort if example is he giving to your children ? That treating women this way is ok ?

Tell him you are splitting. That either you and the kids move out or he does. Tell him if he loves his kids then he’ll want them to stay in the house. His choice, but it’s finished.
If he’s concerned at all about what he looks like to family and friends, then he won’t try to stay in the house.

Either way I’d make sure everyone knows that yes he did buy you flowers, but yet again he stayed out all night, didn’t communicate etc. That this is a repeating pattern and you’ve had enough. Don’t let the little shit blame you. Don’t be emotive, just factual. But try to get him out of the house first.

Agree with what others on here are saying. He's turning it round on you in a spectacular fashion. Wants you to dump him etc. Mine did same. Extraordinary. Made my eyes bleed. Divorced a number of years now. Living a much better life free from him. His next relationship was a total car crash. Can't believe I've got to remain in contact because of the kids but it's very boundaried. Mumsnet has a lot of wisdom on this topic. Chumplady was also good. Best of luck.

If he is treating you like crap because he wants you to dump him because he wants out but not to be seen as the bad guy, so what? Give him what he wants and what you and the children need.

This is beyond salvageable - he has decided he can’t be arsed and he’s not your partner is he really. You’re doing it all and he can’t even be bothered to send you a text??? Can you see the huge huge disparity here between your actions and his. He isn’t your partner. Lock the door and put yourself first. Best of luck x

I had these exact things said to me. (It's like they have a phrase book)

In my case he was a cheating alcoholic.

My ex-DH used to be on a high too before going out. I eventually figured out he was on a high because he was going to meet OW.

Look after yourself. Your family will support you. Don't be worried about "don't really have enough room". Your mum will make room. He's relying on you feeling you can't leave. Show him you can. It might be the incentive he needs to grow up and you can salvage your marriage if you want. Or it might just free you up to live a life without all this BS