DH didn’t come home… again

the minute, the very minute you stop testing positive - you take baby and you go to your parents.

they have offered, accept it.

it really doesn't matter that you don't think they have the space.

you deserve so much more, and you should except that you deserve more / better.

make sure you take YOUR car with you !

This was my friend, put up with cocaine, going with other women ( never proven but everyone knew) put up with it for years, ended with dv.
That was many years ago. Now their son is doing the same to his partner.
GET OUT NOW

Your husband hates you.

I can't believe he responded with "cry me a fuckin river".
He doesn't deserve a second more of your time, energy or care. He is absolutely disgusting. What a way to speak to the mother of your children. Get the hell away from him and entertain nothing he says.
Get legal advice ASAP, line up your ducks and make sure you leave on the best possible terms for yourself.

Why do (so many) men think their lives can go exactly as before, once children arrive?
Because they know that she is trapped and unable to stop him, in other words they do it because they know they can get away with it.
Going out and leaving him alone to cope with the baby what's that going to achieve? You know that he will neglect and mistreat the baby just enough to make sure she can't risk doing it again.
His entire focus will be making sure he doesn't make a rod for his own back, working everything to his advantage because there's nothing she can do to stop him that doesn't hurt her more than it hurts him.

And get checked for STDs he doesn’t respect you . So you need to respect yourself

There is absolutely no point in talking to this man.

He has zero respect for you and his children. .He can do whatever he wants, treat you appallingly and you have a bit of a moan and put up with it.
Why?
You sound incredibly unhappy
The only person who can change your situation is YOU!
He Will Never Be the man you want him to be and until you realise you are being abused and gaslighted you won’t be happy.

LEAVE . GO TO YOUR PARENTS AND GET A DIVORCE. HE WONT CHANGE
SO YOU NEED TO

I haven’t read the whole thread but I just wanted to say, OP, that when I was in the process of leaving my ex 20 years ago he came out with all kinds of manipulative shit. A good friend of mine is a family law solicitor and she told me ‘You don’t have to engage with anything he says. Just don’t engage.’ I found that so helpful - I’m the kind of person who always feels a compulsion to reply but this gave me permission not to. It stopped him getting inside my head so much.

Please don’t stay with a man who treats you with such contempt and refuses to be a parent to his children. My DC were 1 and 4 when we split up - too young to remember any different life. It’s probably the least worst ages for kids to go through it. I still regularly thank my lucky stars that I had the courage to leave. It’s the only brave thing I’ve ever done and my goodness it paid off.

That's what my STBX was doing, probably still is! He's making a right mess of his life by all accounts too! I thank God now that I made him leave because he can't drag me down into his chaos anymore! It's almost a blessing he cheated, or rather that I finally found out he was a cheat, because that's what woke me up out of the zombified state I had got into and face reality. I'm a year on now and only wish I'd got rid of him sooner! Life is still difficult but SO much more peaceful and in my control! I have so much more time and energy to look after myself as well!

I wouldn't do this OP because I wouldn't be able to trust him on his own with the children, particularly not a small baby!
What you do from now on should be to prioritise the safety and well being of yourself and your children, not trying to "get your own back" nor evening the score! You never can with these abusers anyway, because they don't care about you, and sometimes they love conflict and use it as an excuse to abuse you even worse than ever.
If I were you, I'd get onto Women's Aid now and find out what your legal rights as to the home are- if it's best for yo and the kids to stay and make him leave, or go to your mother's with them. As another PP said, the kids can have the bed and you could sleep on the floor or settee until you can get a blow-up mattress. Whichever you do though, you need to be separate from him as he is not only verbally and emotionally cruel ("cry me a river"? Lord help us, that's COLD! I'd never be able to get past that!), but he's potentially violent too!
He could be on cocaine, be unfaithful or trying to make you finish it so he can play the victim but no matter! You have to stop thinking about his feelings and think of your own and your children's! You can't fix him and he sounds like he's no intention of even trying to fix himself and why would he, when he's had it all his own way for so long!
I speak from experience! I wasted far too much time on a man who made me so unhappy, I was having what's called passive suicidal ideation in the end. I'm in my 60s now and am still clearing up the mess he made of my life, but feeling optimistic and SO much more at peace within myself now I haven't had to deal with his emotional abuse, lies and underhanded, cowardly cruelty for over a year now! I only wish I'd made him leave years ago and that I hadn't married him1 Actually, I wish I'd never met him because I might have met a GOOD man or even gone back to being content as a single mum, which I had been before I met him before life threw me a curve ball and made me vulnerable!
Don't be me OP! Get away from him, for your own sake and your children's because he will NEVER be what you need him to be and indeed, will only ever get worse!
I'm so sorry you're being put through this, I know how much it hurts but you will heal and heal much quicker if you split from him NOW rather than down the line! Keep posting, we're rooting for you!

He is lying.sounds like he has been with a woman he hooked up with.get rid you deserve so much more than this.

And where's the money coming from?

This is money that needs to be spent on his family?

He is not a good man, husband or father

I hope you're starting to make plans - he's never going to change.

He's pulling away, pushing you to breaking point. He sounds like he's checked out but doesn't want to be the one "responsible" for ending it. Ultimately you need to make a choice as he's not going to grow up and decide to leave himself.

Sorry meant to add (can't edit on the app). That despite wanting to be single and focus on himself. He refused to end things. Instead he made her life hell until she had enough. Yes he plays the victim but anyone that actually matters (ie NOT his best friends or parents who refuse to acknowledge his behaviour) know the truth.

The important bit in your "where were you?" Talk is his refusal to discuss it and the " how you could make him happier". It's all about him, he knows you'd never agree to hours long drug sprees, he says he can't talk to you about his feelings, he just wants to do as he likes and you make him happy by saying nothing.
Let him tell you his feelings Op, say nothing much, just listen, Iet him get it all out. Then ask him if he thinks you're happy and why. I'd bet you money he thinks he's a great DH and Dad.

Coke and booze and possibly other women..So sleazy for a married man with children.

He wants to be 20 for ever.

Probably blasting his way through a lot of cash , too.

He seems to want another life.
Why "forgive him many times?"
Not good.

He is a deadbeat. Even if you're breast feeding he could be helping with the kids / house around that so you get some rest and recover not going out on a bender and the gaslighting you.

My sister had one of these. He eventually decided he wanted to be single and needed to focus on himself when the kids were young 🙄.

You and your kids deserve better.

Another thought, many mentioned that what he wants from you is you calling it over, as he has no courage and he wants out of this relationship. I agree it may seem so, even to him.
However people like him pray on people like you, it is no accident he ended up with you. You are nurturing his ego, giving him importance, weather he is aware or not - he would miss you a lot! But not in a healthy way and please don't let this fool you. He is not after a healthy relationship - even when he himself is convinced he is after you and wants you back. This is why he turned nasty when you attempted to end it...he actually in reality enjoys this exact dynamic you have and wants to keep it.

I agree with others that it would be a good idea to talk to a professional, some support group or something - but you alone without his influence.

OP. He won't change because none of it is 'his fault'. So it has to be yours.
He won't change. He will wear you down. Your children will think this is normal.
It took me years to Divorve my (very similar) husband. I hope you get out soon You are not 'over-reacting'. His behaviour will get worse & worse until you crack.
That crack should be you telling him to leave. It will be very hard with 2 small children on your own. But you are 'on your own' now anyway in reality.
Good luck to you. Many other women have had to do this. You can too xxx

You and your children deserve a lovely life. You can make it happen. Your partner doesn’t want to make it happen.

Ill tel you something now and i know because at one stage in my life i was doing wat he is now,and that's drugs, hes out taking drugs with his mates im not gonna tell you to leave him because thats your choice, but i highly doubt hes with another woman i can bet my life savings he on a session with his friends taking drugs of some sort x

It would be so easy at this point to let things slide OP, now that he has weasled his way back into the house. Stand firm. Reiterate that you would like him to leave. If he won't then take the kids and go to your parents for a few days whilst you get better and process things. There has not been a single person on thus post who has been able to justify his behaviour or afford him the benefit of the doubt.

It was perfectly reasonable for you to put the latch on the door. You'd been up all night with a baby, didn't want waking up and certainly didn't want someone clearly worse for wear coming in and your children witnessing their father stumbling in in the not so early hours drunk. What sort of message or example would that have set the kids. You had to also protect them from that. As a child of an alcoholic, seeing your father drunk is enormously damaging and confusing for a child. So if he tries to make you out to be unreasonable on this front, you hold your ground and explain calmly why you did it. Put it back on him.

I'm really good. My only regret is putting up with it for so long. For somehow half believing what he was saying about me being the unreasonable one. I agree with others, it is almost certainly cocaine and alcohol, with a bit of cheating thrown in on the side.

Until you break free you don't truly appreciate the mental toll you have been under. You will be much happier out of the situation. For now he doesn't believe you will do anything. He believes he holds all the cards. That's why he's confident to behave how he likes knowing you're not going anywhere. The shock of you standing up for yourself might be enough to snap him out of it. Or it might not. Either way you don't have to tolerate that BS.