DH didn’t come home… again

If he's been doing coke he might be at his nose a lot, especially one nostril as if his nose is running all the time, but without having a cold.

would you seriously leave this man in charge of children in order to punish him? You know that he will take his anger out on the children

He's not reliable. He doesn't give a shit and is likely to do something specifically because he knows it will hurt OP. He will use those children to control her.
I don't believe he would hurt them. But he would absolutely call in a babysitter probably your mother or friend or sister, telling them he can't get in contact with you, and then send her abuse telling her what a shit mother she is for going out and turning off her phone.
These men have a phrase book. They are so predictable.
Don't bother playing games @Roonil . You'll never win. He'll have an answer for everything. Just gathering yourself and your support system and realise you will do much better without him.

God some men are so pathetic. A bit of responsibility turns up and suddenly they decide that rather than accept this is their lot that they chose and to suck up the difficult bits, they decide that they will ignore it in the hopes that it will got away.

As if pretending he young free and single will magically make it true. And they always ALWAYS play the victim when they are pulled up on it. Fact is that if he isnt shagging someone now he almost certainly soon will be, and that will be your fault too. He is reading The Script almost to the letter, the next thing will be that he hasnt been happy for years (despite never actually telling you this).

His ultimate goal is to get you to end things so he can further cement his vision of himself as this poor victimized man who you just used to have kids and then kicked out. He will never mention his benders just that you always made life a misery if he "went out for a couple of pints" He wont mention buggering off and being uncontactable while you were looking after a sick child, just that you were "mental because of hormones".

Its crazy making because it is DESIGNED to be crazy making. It is meant to make you question every single thing you do, blame yourself for his shit behaviour and do everything you can make him love you again which will, conveniently, be shutting up and putting up with his crap, never ever complaining and never expecting anything from him.

Fuck that shit. If he wants you to bin him, give him what he wants and dont feel at all guilty about it.

maybe he’s not cheating, maybe the guy just wants to throw some steam, get out with the lads, get drunk etc.. because he needs it every now and then to cope with the stresses of work and family, if that’s the case whatever happened to just sitting with you and saying so? It’s no earth shattering stuff, really, we sometimes need to vent. Is he not emotionally mature enough to articulate it?

He doesn't respect you. You tolerate dreadful behaviour and he knows you always forgive him. I wouldn't put up with it.

Book a night out with the ladies, tell him to stay at home and take care of babies, then "disappear" and turn your phone off. Pop up next day and tell him you passed out at "Lucy's" house and couldn't call him. So sorry. He's done it himself a few times so he's no reason to complaint.

taste of his own medicine etc.. Some people need it.

He is with another woman

If you want to know why he's doing this, I'll tell you:

Not only goes he gets to shake off his responsibilities and have fun, but he gets to find a way to not only upset you but twist things to make out you're the bad guy. What a catch!

Fuck that!

Sit back, observe and identify his patterns of behaviour. Note them down. Meanwhile, see a solicitor and put your ducks in order. Change your passwords and keep any valuables, important documents, bank cards etc at your mum's.

When you are ready kick his arse to the kerb. When his mum turns up with her spleen unloaded sit quietly recording her rant. Smile sweetly explaining that since you're the devil incarnate the best thing for her precious baby is for him to sign the divorce papers without quibbling.

She will scream to high heaven and call you everything under the sun. Usher her out and keep the recording. The reason she is doing this is because she knows full well what an arse her son is and doesn't want to pick up his mess. Tough. She should have raised him better.

I think you are under reacting if anything and I cannot imagine my husband doing anything like that in the over 40 years we have been married. You and your DC deserve better and I would start making plans to separate. It is a shame you did not go through with it last time as he obviously hasn't changed and being a single parent to two young children will be harder than it would have been with one but dealing with them and an unreliable uncaring husband would be worse. I hope you can sort out the finances.

It's called gaslighting

He needs to leave. Him, not you. This is your children’s’ home. Whatever you need to do to make this happen (friends helping, locksmith etc) do it.

Get legal advice ASAP. If you have joint accounts, move your money out now.

He will probably threaten to go for 50/50 custody to avoid paying maintenance. He won’t go through with it.

I haven’t been through this myself, but have seen friends/parents of children I teach go though the exact same thing and the advice is always the same.

Sorry this has happened OP.

I am wondering if he has post natal depression and this is why the behaviour has changed since having your eldest and then again with your little one.

Its no excuse for his behaviour but could be a reason for it?

https://www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-and-co-parents-10-things-you-should-know

He is being deliberately awful so you will end the relationship and save his conscience so he won't have to. This is a known tactic.

Completely agree. It's almost irrelevant whether he's shagging around, caning it on booze and drugs, or both - the fact is he's a complete prick who's abandoning his responsibilities as a partner and new dad. He's just not worth the effort of trying to fix things - you can't with this sort of man anyway.

I voted yabu because threatening to lock him out of his own house is no way do deal with this. It plays into his hands and makes it seem like you're the problem.

Presumably he was with another woman.

Whatever you decide to do next try to do it calmly and openly. It will make it harder for him to do the classic gaslighting move of making out that you're crazy.

Reading through all this, I really do hope you leave him, OP. It is upsetting reading how he treats you - staying out all night without a word then trying to gaslight you into thinking it's because you're an awful person who's not letting him have a life. It sounds like this is what he's told his family about you, too. From his mum's reaction before, he's been slagging you off massively behind your back.

It's not going to get any better. Let him lead the single life if that's what he wants, and you can crack on with yours.

The more you let him get away with, the worse this will become. Please at least begin the process of disengaging. Start writing things down so you have clarity when he’s gaslighting, be honest with friends & family, see more people, look at finances etc.

Writing things down is a really good idea, @Jewel52 I did that, I still have the notebook and came across it the other day. I was horrified to see what I had accepted as almost normal. ‘X hit me hard across the head 3 times and told me I better watch it. Then I fed DD.’ It’s only now that I see how conditioned I was.

Get out, OP, get out now. Don’t let your children grow up around abusive behaviour - whether verbal or physical. Both are equally damaging for kids to witness.

And don’t let him con you into feeling any sense of shame. This is not your fault.

Sounds more like a drink and drugs binge than an other woman to me.

The fact, though, that he went out for 24hrs while you’re ill, breast feeding (exhausting++) and didn’t come home would push me over the edge. Staying out longer than usual, if it’s occasionally, it’s not a deal breaker. With illness and small kids in the mix, that’s just completely abandoning his responsibilities.

This is such good advice from someone who has been there and knows the compulsion to understand these men and somehow fix them so that you can have the family life you want for your children.

it will be hard to break up your marriage and start again. But nowhere near as hard as living with the constant gut wrenching feeling of being disrespected by the one person in the world who should have your back.

It took me a long time to rebuild my life but I never regretted the split. I did, however, regret the years of unhappiness when his behaviours spiralled and my DC became old enough to be damaged by our dysfunctional relationship.

The more you let him get away with, the worse this will become. Please at least begin the process of disengaging. Start writing things down so you have clarity when he’s gaslighting, be honest with friends & family, see more people, look at finances etc.

You can make the break and I promise you there’s such relief and calm when you do 💐

This is an almost perfect mumsnet Haiku.

And yes I’d leave and go to my mums for a few weeks.

he needs a wake up call. It might end things so be prepared.

he sounds immature.

OP when was the last time you went out all night and got smashed and didn’t come home until 7am and left him with the kids?

Just because you’re at home doesn’t mean to say you’re not working.

Being a mum is work. Lots and lots of unpaid work.

If he wants the status of having and raising a family he needs to be more adult.

Yes he can go out. No he can’t stay out until 7am.

Personally I’d get an STD test. It sounds like he’s going back to other women and shagging and then creeping out early doors. Total scum.

Wow, and you really thought any of us wanted to learn this? This added to the conversation, how?

Feel free to scroll on by any threads that will upset your delicate sense of balance. 🙄

FFS