DH didn’t come home… again

Just wanted to pop on and say i hope you are doing ok op. Take care of yourself and those beautiful babies

OP something else you need to think about he's dragging his brother into this. He's obviously been onto his brother to lie for him if you ask if he stayed there. And also other people when he says he's stayed somewhere.
He's making a complete mug of you, take it from people who've been there this doesn't get better.
You feel you need to just accept what he does because he's drummed it into you that you should.
Ignore his mother. Maybe his dad was or is the same and she turns a blind eye because "it's just the way they are" and expects you to put up with it.
Leave him. You'll get over him and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You deserve so much better. 💐

It’s really difficult to understand these kind of emotionally abusive relationships unless you’ve been in one. The abuse is carefully managed and alternated with periods of intense love bombing. With my ex he also appeared as a real pillar of society, high earner, volunteering on local committees, charming to friends and family. I could see when I discussed leaving him with those people that they thought I was crazy to become a single parent to 3 DS when I didn’t have to. With DV the bruises are visible and it makes the abuse tangible, emotional abuse is insidious and, as many others have said on here, it becomes your norm as you become desensitised.

Please don’t imply that it’s only weak women who fall prey to this kind of manipulation. I’ve seen lots of comments on here asking the op to find her anger. That won’t help here as that keeps you in an emotional reactive mode when it’s detachment that’s needed: seeing the situation as damaging and unsustainable, and knowing you have the power to leave.

My Gran would say “this mans not worth your breath” .

He really isn’t.

Think of the relief of only having two children not a petulant manchild!

I know it’s very hard but you need to look at your money.
Makesure your wage , child benefit etc goes into your personal account.
Take cash from your joint account to make sure he doesn’t take all the money.
This goes for savings , joint car etc
File for CMS and I’d change your locks.
Change your passwords ! Banking, insurance , Netflix , WiFi etc.
Make sure you don’t pay his bills ie phone etc.
Let your mortgage company know.
Speak to a solicitor and get legal and financial advice . There will be benefits you can apply for. Speak to your doctor and get antidepressants.

He never will be the man husband or father you and your children deserve.
Be strong and don’t let him dictate anything.

Sort your money out ASAP . You need a roof over your head and enough to pay your bills, don’t let him squirrel it away

Hang in there OP, but please also think about your and your children's safety. It can be overwhelming and you may feel pushed into action - also with overwhelmingly supportive push from all of us on this thread.
But it may be that he absolutely thinks you are bluffing and when he realises you are not stepping back this time - he may turn violent. So if you feel such type of energy from him, don't you worry what ppl here will say if you back off - you should absolutely pretend you are backing off and forgiving to calm him down. But keep your thoughts focused and get in touch with domestic violence service as soon as he is off to work or wherever.
He has no empathy.

The reason why many women stay in these types of relationships is not because they are in love or dependant. It's because they are exhausted completely - first it is the mistreatment (in your case that horrible night and morning after) that leaves you so exhausted, then endless endless circular conversations that totally drain the very last ounce of your energy, so when he offers to forget everything and "forgive you" (while in fact you are forgiving him and he knows it) - you are grasping at that straw, you literally just want one peaceful day where he will be normal (still a lazy manchild but just decent in conversation) so you can reload just to be able to continue with basic daily chores.
And then you are back to square one.

So - if you need to - pretend you are fine and all is good - but act in the background and get everything ready to split in a safe way.

Hope you're doing ok OP

I don't have anything to add that previous posters havent already said except that do not underestimate how blooming EXHAUSTING it is dealing with someone who acts like your dh has/is. It wears you down to a point where you probably don't even realise it.

Whilst the future looks uncertain/possibly scary at this moment in time and moving forwards seems challenging, it is easier to deal with when you aren't having to deal with the mental gymnastics people like this put you through.

I wish you and your dc all the best.

@Badgertime

Give him a date to move out, reinforce it in writing (a text).

If he won't leave, get the police to remove him. You deserve your peace back.

OP stay strong. He'll only come back if you agree that all the problems he has in your marriage are your fault and that from now on he can do whatever he likes with no repercussions at all. DON'T YOU DARE!!!!!

Oh and yes, he's doing all that on purpose. To make you feel shit, guilt tripped and gas lighted.

Mine was (is) very similar. Walked on eggshells all the time and he did the silent treatment on me all the time. I was in bits.
I left back then with a 2,4 and 6 year old.

I was on my own completely for about 8 years and recently after him selling his house agreed he could come back and stay with us.
I fully regret this decision and he sits in his room all day doing sweet FA and no help whatsoever when I'm working 40 hours a week.

I really can't stand him and he's not bothered with the kids at all either again.

Please don't ever make this mistake but go and get free. Forever.

Jesus. There’s variations but always a similar script. I didn’t have young kids when my marriage fell apart but the vein was v similar. Wishing you all the love and strength in the world. I am financially poorer now but I dont wake up having to second guess anyone’s mood or turn myself inside out trying to keep them happy.
You can do this OP and eventually life will be better. X

I posted yesterday that I went through something v similar with my ex- following your latest updates it has become even more similar! It's such a cliche but be kind to yourself, I wish I had done lots of things differently when we were going through the process of separating but I tell myself now that I made the best decisions I could at the time. I was in a fog of grief and sadness and trying to parent young kids, and I let him get away with way too much- I wish I had posted on Mumsnet at the time for some advice! But I did the best I could based on what I thought was right at the time. It will be hard but you will come out the other side. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and take everything that's offered to you. Gather your allies. You will probably never get a satisfactory response from him (much less an apology!) but try and make your peace with that. If he acknowledges his poor behaviour that will make him the bad guy, and he can't possibly be the bad guy. That's just how these men work unfortunately.

I know, it's absolutely textbook isn't it?

They're so predictable.

Don't worry OP, as you well know these little games of his don't matter in the scheme of things. What matters is the prize at the end of all this - a happy, secure, loving family life for you and your kids. Hang in there!

just kept laughing and saying he’s discussed my behaviour with lots of people

Another one from my ex's notebook. Seriously - these men know so well they are in the wrong, they will literally say anything to make you doubt yourself.

Don't doubt yourself.

You are doing ace. Your kids will be so strong and happy without this bullshit going on. And if they are happy, you'll be happy. Trust yourself.

Be glad that you don't have to deal with him any more. He's not your problem now.

Hes likely met another woman or had something on the go maybe its just a fling. Perhaps the work trip is also a smoke screen for spending more time away with the lover I know my ex did this.

Whatever happens your goals should be

1. Get all bank information / child birth certificates and passports off the property
2. Take anything absolutely fundamental to who you are (Heirlooms) and put them somewhere save.
3. Try as best you can to 'spring clean' and remove as many personal effects as you can without him noticing.

That means when you are ready to press the button the actual move or blow back wont impact you as deeply.

For the sake of your kids you deserve better than this, You shouldn't like to them to cover the dad. If hes crap to you just be honest with them It probably would hurt you more to lie to your kids when you know hes treating you badly.

Hes going to be away soon so you should start relaxing a little.
Lots of good advice here about seeing solicitor.

You can also look on amazon for covert recording devices or if your super suspicious throw an airtag in his bag with some of your keys so that if he finds it - you can play innocent.

I'm sorry but I think he's been messing around and maybe on drugs too, I'd be telling him to leave, you'd be better off without him, he's just making you unhappy.

Go and rest. Don’t bother with these circular conversations with him that come back to it all being your fault. They are pointless.

The only thing you have to say is it’s over, you are unhappy and you need to split.

And stick to that, especially if he does go, then returns at the weekend crying and declaring his undying love.( That’s usually the pattern.)

Please get support from your family.
Good luck x

You know this, but none of the things he’s blaming you for are issues with you. They are just him deflecting as it’s easier to blame you than for him to look in a mirror and accept his own (many) short comings.
I don’t have OCD or anxiety but those things you described about kids on main roads etc would fill me with anxiety. It’s normal to be protective of our babies!
There’s a lot of similarities between things he says to you and what my husband has said to me in the past. He has adhd, Aspergers, majorly narcissistic parents and a traumatic upbringing. These all impact how he is in marriage. After various medications and counselling it’s better but he had to first be able to recognise he needed help and without that we wouldn’t still be together. But what I wanted to say is that it’s easy in our low moments to have their words on repeat in our heads and give those words weight. But his criticisms of you are baseless, and only designed to hurt to take the spotlight off himself and muddy the waters by making you question reality.
I don’t know you but the reality to me sounds like you are a super mama. You are protective, caring, selfless, kind, and if he can’t appreciate you for who you are then that’s his loss. You’ll be appreciated for all those incredible qualities by friends and family and your kids.

He's a piece of shit. A worthless, pathetic, useless, lying, manipulative scumbag. Do you want that as a "role model" to your children?

I can just hear him telling people all the details.....she wont let me parent, and I'm disconnected from the kids. I've tried everything, leaving them alone while they're sick, getting drunk, not answering my phone, sleeping at a train station, wasting my cash on myself, yelling at their mum. No one can say I haven't tried!!!!

Be prepared for the back peddling when he realises you're serious. He will alternate between crying and apologising and abusing you and blaming you. He's a weak man and rather than face that he'll have to try drag you down too. Forewarned is forearmed. Take the advice of those who have already walked this path. It's always the same story. You'll be ok. You're children will be better than ok. You're a great mum who wouldn't dream of behaving like he has done.

Course he doesn't want to go for a walk he doesn't give a shit about you. Sorry op but you need to wake up and get tough. This won't get better. Even if it did he would do it again.