DH didn’t come home… again

Could he be on cocaine? I had practically the same behaviour from someone close who was using at weekends. It was like they became another person, completely unfeeling, almost psychopathic. I felt utterly blindsided with their gaslighting and nastiness.

Yea, I've witnessed people basically having a personality change when addicted to coke. And it's never for the best. Horrible.

OP, so sorry you are going through this especially now in your vulnerable state.

As a solo mum I can tell you kids grow up so much better without all the fuckery going on in a family.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's great that you have support around you, please lean on them and take any help you're offered.

You are not overreacting! You are not being unreasonable! He is being abusive, and is gaslighting you so you'll question your very valid feelings about his terrible behaviour.

I've been here, my ex husband gaslit me into believing I was unreasonable for asking him to choose between me and our baby or the woman he'd started a relationship with when I was pregnant. It worked, he broke me and I very nearly didn't make it out.

Trust your gut, seek reassurance from people who love and care about you. You will be happier without him. You deserve so much better!

Hes been on gear all day and all night. Probably spent a fortune on it. Probably got more this morning and that's why he wasn't home till 2. Now he's on a comedown and feeling shit.

Honestly get him to fuck.

Yeah mine did that. Turned out he was sleeping around. He'd checked out of the relationship but too lazy to actually leave. I left him in the end when I realised.

Cant believe he went out in the first place with his wife and tiny baby ill with covid! For that alone id be saying hes a selfish prick let alone the rest.

I think you're at a cross roads with two paths leading to the same place. One the long way round and the other a short cut. Because you will end up separated from him. Your choice is whether you want to let that drag out with a serise of fresh starts, broken promises, talks, dramas and blame. Or if you just want to rip the plaster off, kick him out or go to your mums, stand firm with your decision and start the rest of your life sooner rather than later.

What conversation are you planning to have with someone who fucks off for 24 hours, then tells you to ‘cry me a river’, I wonder? Then he’s gone out again.

The man has no respect for you, OP. Most likely because you spent so long forgiving him for all sorts, likely before you were even tied down with children.

You can find a way to reconcile with him living his life as he sees fit, or you can save your energy for executing your exit.

If he’s dangerous, seek help to leave him safely. The space your mom has offered you, take it. The children sleep on the bed and you on the floor next to it if needed. Any space is better than the one you’re currently occupying.

He has checked out of the relationship and instead of ending it like a man he's doing awful things so you do, and you get the be the bad guy.
Fuck him.

Awful, awful behaviour from this man. He was an absolute shit to you when you had PND (I had it and I wouldn't wish it on anyone) instead of giving you the support you needed and that any decent man would. You gave him another chance before, and now he's showing you he'll never change. Don't give him any more chances, you'll be wasting your time. You and your DC will have a better life without him, you really will. Not much else to add, except I'm so so sorry that you're in this situation, you deserve so much better xx

Oh my lord, your whole story is exactly how my son's father behaved. Laughing at me and everything.

It got worse, and worse, and worse I'm sorry to say.

We separated when our son was 7, after 16 years together. He carried on partying, he died at 41.

It really does seem how previous posters say, he doesn't want to be a parent but he wants to force your hand so he can look hard done by and make you the unreasonable one. I honestly don't think a trial separation will solve anything. He clearly doesn't want to be with you. Maybe take the bull by the horns and just end it but do it smarter by waiting to clear your stuff out til next time he pisses off out. Then he can't go through your things and hide anything. Take your power back and stop playing the game. You deserve better. The kids deserve better. In fact I'd probably end it without even bothering to discuss it with him because he will only twist things anyway. You already know he will lie to his family and make you out to be the crazy one.

My first thoughts was coke and all that it leads to.
Erratic behaviour, unreliable, severe mood swings,nasty cunty rants etc.

The moment you "forgive" shitty behaviour for the 1st time, you're effectively giving someone carte blanche to walk all over you.

He has absolutely no respect for you.

It's time to go.

I’m not generally one for tit-for-tat, but just send him back his own simple reply “cry me a fucking river” then don’t engage with him any further.

Time to prioritise you and your DC.

Surely you realise that it’s time to get off the toxic merry-go-round and out of the relationship with him. For your DC and for yourself.

Honestly just tell him to go. whats to be achieved by hashing it out? Can he say anything that will make you forgive him for yesterday? He isn’t even sorry! Your kids are little now but they won’t be forever, don’t allow them to be exposed to his disgusting abusive behaviour. You want different things. You want a stable family life he wants to be single. So let him. You’ll meet someone better I promise

Drink. Drugs. Other women. Total lack of respect. Aggression.

There isn't one reason to stay with this man.

I really do feel for you but he's taking you for a fool. He bought flowers so that your mind would turn to them when he stayed out all night. The flowers were to make you think he was a good guy while all the time he was planning his night out.

So he basically turns into a shitbag every time you have a baby?

This is one of the key times when abuse escalates as men take advantage of the vulnerability.

Speak to womens aid about what rights you have about leaving him

Remove all your documents and sensitive info from your house and keep it at your parents

If you do kick him out make sure a trusted male is at the house and not yourself. Just so you don't feel pressured by his manipulation or gaslighting.

What a cunt

Yeah, im going to say he's being unfaithful. Going off his behaviour, my ex was the same. Strangely enough, when you have children by them, some men, not all, they seem to see us as just the comfy frumpy mum who nags all day. Responsibility isn't for them, so YOU are instantly the problem and not them. Honestly, get rid. There are decent, honest men out there. He is not one of them.

I wouldn't dignify him with a talk. You are being gaslit and a primary example of that is coming here and asking if you are overreacting. You're not at all but you have been conditioned to think this way about yourself due to abusive, manipulative and unreasonable behaviour.

What's the point in a discussion, you say he will dig his heels in, you'll get nowhere, what do you want, forget his needs and concentrate on your needs, whatever you say will be wrong. If he was that bothered or interested he would not have walked out again, I'd let him stew, you'll only upset yourself and be accused of nagging. Tell him if you want that yours both clearly unhappy, this isn't working, it's bad for the dc so you need time apart, it's easier for him to go and stay elsewhere, he's dragged your self esteem down.

Hmm. Funny how "how he feels" is just a big whingey list of everything you're supposedly doing wrong.

Looking back, he would be really happy and friendly just prior to turning into a bastard and I realise now he was coming up/looking forward to the high.

Don't reply to his pitiful message. He is deflecting and making it all about him and his feelings to try and avoid the issue of his whereabouts (and lies). It's actually pathetic.
I wouldn't tolerate this. It sounds like he's up to no good.