DH didn’t come home… again

Omg, I've just done my own thread yesterday after reaching a point after years of similar. I'm asking of it's normal. Then reading yours I'm suddenly transported back to when our DS was born 5 years ago.

This is how it started. I'd wake up in the night baby crying, my toddler awake and I'd realise he wasn't in bed or hadn't come upstairs. I'd go down, he'd be nowhere to be found. I'd be feeding my baby, settling my toddler and messaging wondering where on earth he was. There's always an excuse, believable. I'm too tired to argue so we drop it, until it happens again.

6 years later it still happens. I barely sleep as I'm always on edge especially at weekends if he's downstairs or he's gone out. Usually I only find out if he's weird the next morning or if he crashes in drunk in the early hours. The weekend is ruined, family time not happening. In the last 6 months I went down n had to clear his vomit off the floor before the kids woke up.

I need to take my own advice, but my advice to you is don't drop it. Dont accept it. Don't let this be your reality. It's lonely full of anxiety and you don't end up hating him, you will hate yourself for putting up with it for so long because you'll come to a point where it's happened so many times you don't even know where to draw the line.

I said you abu, for putting up with this for the umpteenth time. I would have told him after the 2nd time of this happening to permanently remove himself out the house. If he wants to live the single life goodbye!

If you've got joint finances don't let him clear out your accounts. He sounds likely to turn nasty.

You are already a single parent living with their father once you get your head around this you will have the strength to tell him to fuck right off.
No decent father would have gone out in the first place when you and their baby are sick and the rest of his behaviour is vile. Time to tell him to get lost and be happy with your kids. Trust me you will be much happier.

He doesn't want to be a dad, he wants to be a lad but he hasn't got the balls to walk away because he doesn't want people to think bad of him so he is going to push you into ending the relationship. So today you make sure everyone knows he didn't come home last night, didn't contact you and gave you abuse when he finally saw fit to come home.
Get everything in order and take half the money out of the accounts. You will be on your own soon enough.

Although I do allow myself a wry smile at all those men who don’t want to look like the ‘bad one’ for ending their relationships.

Everyone with eyes already know they are holes of the highest order.

I had one like this but thankfully never had children with him because I knew he would never grow up and I'd be sitting here writing your post. He's a wanker and he won't change.

Drugs and or playing away too. What an arsehole.

He walked out on you again today flower.

He is too lily livered to end it himself and is now pushing you to do it ‘properly’. Been there.

You deserve so much more than a weak man.

Bleating away about his hurty feelies without caring about his family?

He is pushing you to make the decision. Do it. It will save you the misery of going through this time and time again.

I was with a man who was like this, I stayed for years and years hoping he would grow up and change. He never did and by all accounts he still hasn't.

You and your children deserve better than this.

Your story is so familiar that I had to double check the OP to make sure it wasn’t mine from several years ago. EXH did this, right down to the ‘cry me a river’ phrase. You didn’t marry my ex did you?

Nah, since I finally kicked him out five years ago, he has continued to shag his way around the North of England, occasionally straying into the South too, and still appears thoroughly dissatisfied with the world.

On the flip side, DC and I have built a much happier life. That ‘lovely life’ you dream of? You can do it. You don’t need him.

He's got a four year old and an ill six month old and an ill wife. At a point where he didn't HAVE to be at the doctors, hospital or work, he'd be with them. He doesn't care at all about any of you. Walk away.

i had a second much wanted child after some slightly rocky times. And immediately after his birth the marriage completely tanked. For you I think drugs alcohol AND another woman. Maybe women. That was pretty much my experience too (no drugs becuse of testing at his work). You’re ill OP. Get better. Focus on your children. Do not reconcile or allow for acting like it’s a “normal” marriage. That will not happen for you now so do not make your self vulnerable to third pregnancy. Go back to work when the time is right and end marriage. The main thing not to do is counseling or anything else to save the marriage it’s unsalvageable. As pp said…take the shortcut. It’s soooo much better to escape this hell marriage when your dc are young. And don’t find another man. Be you..be a mom..be an employee but not a gf or wife until you are very strong. Save your energy for you and dc. Drop the anchor

I sometimes think that some posters click on the wrong option.

I desperately need to understand WHO this 1% is who voted that YABU.
YANBU OP!! When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He's a fucking prick.
Nothing here to do but just leave.
You deserve better and get those ducks lined up neatly, make plans and just go solo.

Nothing is worth this as life.

"Honestly
You won’t let me tell you how I feel."

"...And you won't let me tell you how I feel. So we're at stalemate. Which rather suggests that this is over."

...and also, change the password to your phone, and emails. If things get nasty, that's where he'll start snooping given the opportunity.

Another one here suspecting cocaine use and/or another woman. After 3 kids, 22 years ago I ended up divorcing my husband of 13 years. He went from being a great partner, dad and my best friend to disrespecting and mistreating me in multiple ways. Gaslighting me and anyone else who would listen for years and years. I discovered he was taking cocaine and after getting an STD, that he was also sleeping around. His wild lifestyle caught up with him and he died unexpectedly last year at 56. Getting out of that marriage was the best thing I ever did for my kids and myself. Its not a simple process but worth it for your own sanity and the wellbeing of your family. Regardless of the reasons, his behaviour is showing you the measure of the man. Unless you want to put up with this for life, then get out as soon as you can. Make a plan, get all the financial and official stuff together (wages slips, birth certificates, passports , insurance policies, savings info etc) Get family, friends on board and get legal advice straight away. You have rights but so does he , so tread carefully. You can't lock him out cos it's his home too and he has a right to it, and you cannot withhold his children unless you can prove they would be in danger from him. I'm sorry to say this behaviour does not bode well for a happy future so start the process with your head held high and focus on the life you want for you and your kids. And take no more shit from this arsehole. I wish you all the best.

This is not a partnership at all.

He either wants his cake and to eat it too - by living like he’s single but still having the stability of a wife at home, doing his washing, cooking his meals and giving him sex.

Or he’s checked out and he’s going to keep acting like a twat until you are forced to end the relationship.
Then he can blame you for the relationship ending.

Eldest is at grannies, baby is ebf and op has covid,unfortunately she is not able to just leave him to it, he needs to be gone.

Take all of this great advice and make it clear to him that the relationship is over. You won't be abused and disrespected like this.

Don't give him an ultimatum, give him your decision.

I think he’s had lighting you. He can blame you then for splitting the family- when in fact he’s a complete cunt.
Where is he sleeping and why is his phone off. He’s 36 with a family, he should have stayed single.

You deserve more and so do your babies.

I'd leave him with the kids and say I was popping out for a bit and then switch my phone off and have a peaceful night away in a hotel. Why do (so many) men think their lives can go exactly as before, once children arrive?

To respond to all this bullshit that he texts you I would cut to the chase, keep it short and sweet: "I agree, it's obvious you are not happy and our communication is not good, so it does make sense for us to part..let me know when you want to pick up your stuff"

I think if you stick around you will get more of this bad treatment. Sounds as though he knew he was on a bender before he left - and now he's trying to make you feel bad about his bad behaviour?! Get rid.