DH didn’t come home… again

'It sounds like you are both angry/frustrated and are trying to make each other hear what you need to say. But while you're both engulfed by your own feelings, you can't hear each other.'

Most of us can hear loud and clear what he is saying!

Don’t do this to your children - think about them if you don’t want to think about you. Don’t stay with a man who doesn’t want you NOR your children. And check yourself for STIs.

You're not overacting at all, he's been awful. I think you need to decide if you actually want to remain in the relationship or not!

If you do, you'll need to open your mind to hearing about why he's unhappy, and try to improve it (and he will need to listen to you as well!).

It sounds like you are both angry/frustrated and are trying to make each other hear what you need to say. But while you're both engulfed by your own feelings, you can't hear each other.

First of all move any paperwork and valuables to your parents for safekeeping.
He’s going to get nasty.
He will definitely turn it all on you.
I wouldn’t even bother with a conversation.
He’s just a horrible person.

OP,

He’s gaslighting you. He’s going AWOL and he has 2 DC under 4. He’s either got an OW, which TBH, his guilt flowers and happy behaviour point in that direction, or he’s on drugs. Either way he’s a useless piece of shit.

Get your parents on standby to help you.

You don’t debate back and forth with him. He’s a useless piece of shit. Make notes of his behaviour, and TELL him to get out. Tell him you’re done, and not interested in listening to his bullshit.

I don’t know what he wants from me.

I do. Allow me...

He wants you to shut up and put up with whatever shit he does without a murmur. He wants you to be grateful that he comes home at all. He wants you to think that a bunch of flowers and some meaningless words should mean you think what a great guy he is and how lucky you are. He wants you to become a shell of yourself, do all the domestic work and end up with no self esteem. Then you won't stand up to him but will meekly accept whatever he dishes out.

And I may have mentioned this already - He wants you to shut up and put up with whatever shit he does without a murmur.

Please don't be what he wants you to be. Please don't give him what he wants from you.

But then part of me thinks maybe I am just going crazy and being harsh.

Am I overreacting?

Are you seriously asking yourself this??? Your husband is an absolute prick. A serious talk is in order. The kind where you do the talking and he does the listening. No husband/family man disappears like that. It sounds like it's way past time for an ultimatum, but you have to give one and ask the hard question: are you in or out?
It's trite, but get your ducks in a row and be ready to swiftly follow through when he fucks off again. Set a good example for you dc. Show some self respect. Don't beg, plead, compromise or cry. Tell him what you want, or to pack up and leave.

Sorry, but it's never just coke. There's usually OW there in the background too.

Haven't rtft only op's posts but it does sound like coke bender. Been sat in one of his scummy mates getting off his head. Tell him you want him drug tested.

Sending you a big hug OP to be ill and dealing with this crap just shows what a truly bottom of the shoe husband he is behaving like.

It's not about making him happier it's about you and your children having stability and he's showing none of that. He should leave because its him causing this with his actions. Agree it sounds like he is on a coke comedown.

If i could be bothered, i would also be phoning his brother to ask what went on and why didn't you let him borrow your phone so that he could contact me. And why didn't you call him an uber or offer to help him get home, instead of letting him sleep at the train station all night! (Which is obviously a lie). I would be trying to get him to see the extent of your partners lies. And i'd want to get to the bottom of it. But then i am also not unwell with a small child and a baby. And in reality it really doesn't matter where he was, or what he did and with whom. He could have been snorting cocaine whilst shagging someone else. Or he could have actually (unlikely as it is) been asleep at the train station. But it really doesn't matter. Because even if his version is entirely true, what he has done is such a complete and total betrayal, so immature and so disrespectful that anything else hardly makes a difference anyway. He has crossed a boundary and that is enough.

You now have 2 choices...to give him the benefit of the doubt, bend over backwards to try and make things work, suppress your own needs and wishes...until the next time that he does this or, you could just save yourself the bother, cut him loose and get on with your life and increase the chances of you actually meeting someone decent a few years down the track. As hard as it is, staying will only cause greater misery in the long run unless he has some sort of epiphany.

I think what he wants is for you to have no needs, to be available for him when he wants sex or housekeeping services and raise your children single-handed.

Please leave him. Don’t accept any more of this behaviour. You are better than that and deserve so much more. More likely than not he’s a cheat as well as a disgusting excuse for a man.

OP, you have a CHOICE as to whether you want to be with that kind of man/partner or not.

Some here would put up with that kind of behaviour and some wouldn't. You need to decide what your own boundaries are. It sounds like you don't want to put up with it and you don't have to.

He's a gas-lighting man child. You're not his Mother so you don't have to put up with his petulant shit.

And as for his actual Mother giving you grief - tell her to fuck right off, too! He is obviously used to spinning situations to make him look like the wronged party but his actions are very immature and inconsiderate.

F

Lavender 14, much as she should be able to change the locks, and physically can, it puts her in a shit position when she has to let him back in.
He owns the house along with her.
She is not the only one who can get a decent solicitor, and he probably has the financial resources.
I am not suggesting that she moves out, I certainly would not, but OP needs legal advice and and to make any actions legal and foolproof, rather than 'chucking him out'.

I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a boyfriend in my 20s let alone from my husband who I have children with.

The amount of gaslighting he's doing is hideous! Absolutely hideous OP! Anyone with a perfectly good marriage to a perfectly normal and responsible man would lose their shit if their husband pissed off for 24 hours, with no contact, leaving them to look after a small child and baby, whilst also ill. For them not to be extremely sheepish and apologetic and vow to never do this again is remarkable.
I do not believe for 1 minute that he slept at the train station and then went back to his brothers because you had locked him out! That's absolute nonsense! He surely would have come home and knocked on the door and asked to be let in.

He is clearly struggling with the responsibility of being a dad and husband. However, as their mother, you don't get a choice! You have to stick it out and don't have the luxury of swanning off.

Do not ask him if he wants to go for a walk to chat about him or suggest that he moves out. You tell him that you need space and that he needs to be the one to leave. Tell him that if he is responsible and grown up, then he will at least do that as the alternative is that you will have to leave which means uprooting the children and that that would be a selfish thing to do.

Honestly, this is not normal behaviour..it will not improve, unless perhaps you are absolutely clear over your expectations (which he will no doubt resent you for and blame you further for driving him away). Keep calm and succinct. The less you say, the less he can come back with. Do not let him blame you for not listening to him about how he feels. Did he give a shit about how you felt last night whilst looking after a baby, exhausted and unwell with no help and the additional stress of wondering whether he was lying dead in a gutter somewhere or was in hospital? Did he offer to have a sit down with you so that you could let him know how you were feeling? No of course he bloody didn't. This manchild expected you to listen to him whine on how much of a victim he is, so that he can deflect and blame it on you. You're his partner and the mother of his children! You're not the mother of a stroppy immature teenager.

I’m sorry OP that you found yourself in such situation. You are not overreacting, and your DH is disrespectful. He left you with Covid alone with two young kids for a night out, and did not bother to come back home; find a phone to call you and now playing the victim. No matter how hard it is, you have to take a break from this relations. For your own sake and your young children.

@OneNeatAzureEagle you need to start your own thread

Oh my god. I am really sorry you are going through this op. I have a baby and I felt so stressed just reading what you are going through.
You are living with an immature bully (best scenario) or a manipulative sadist (worse scenario) , please find a way to not be around him...you need your mental health both for yourself and your little ones. He will destroy you mentally and physically.
I cannot imagine he helps you with the kids at all if he left you and the baby with covid and a toddler on top of it for an entire night and doesn't feel the need to check up on you. The fact he is not even answering the calls is just pure evil.
I don't know if you are financially totally dependant in him, hope not...but...please just stop talking to him, stop looking at him, stop cooking for him, washing, take care of yourself and your kids, and just pretend he is not around because you can not count on him. This is so horrible, I have no words...

Oh OP. A wonderful life is just round the corner, and you know it. The moment you disconnect yourself from this awful piece of shit you will blossom into life.

When you realise his needs wants aren't your problem, when you realise YOU deserve to be happy, when you realise just how badly he's been treating you because he can. He won't stop, because abusers like this only care about themselves.

You've one sentence now, on repeat. ,,"I'd like you to leave now" until he finally gets the message. It took my exH about 3 weeks to finally fuck off, bit he did

Get your ducks in a row, find your anger at how badly he's treated you and now build a better life for you and your babies that doesn't involve you being constantly abused by this cock.

You've got this. Thousands of women before you, and thousands after will escape to the sunny uplands of the other side

Exactly. When you are separated, he will at least have to look after the kids half the time.

You know what the answer is. You know what you would say if it was someone else posting here. You know what you need to do.