DH didn’t come home… again

Just to also add, he has the audacity to say that "you have the cheek to say that he doesn't care" because you didn't want to listen to his bullshit excuses, when he has just shown you that he really doesn't care through his actual actions, which always carry more weight than words. I would be pointing that out too.

aw this really sucks. I hope you’re doing ok.
You seem to have the insight to see that he’s full of shit and gaslighting you. Don’t lose that insight. I’m so glad you have supportive family. Please just get away from him and accept their help and support.i appreciate they may not have the space but i bet you will feel like the world has opened up around you once you get away from that relationship.

I HRTFT but have read all your posts OP.

He isn’t worth hanging on to. This is is not a good man.

He is using something called DARVO. Because you are calling him out (rightfully - this is no way a father and husband should behave) he is denying he’s done anything wrong, then when faced with the incontrovertible truth he is attacking you and reversing victim offender. Deny, attack, reverse victim offender - DARVO.

Once you see it once you see it more. You are right to stick to your guns. Take out any emotion from the discussion and just stick to the unacceptable behaviour. When he attacks and makes you out to be the offender, don’t get drawn into defending yourself. Do exactly what you did ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, we can talk about that later, but at the moment I want to talk about …’ Keep repeating calmly. He will throw all sorts at you. May be from years ago. Probably stuff that’s unfair that you’ll want address but don’t. Just keep repeating that you can talk about that later but for now you want to talk about X.

Good luck.

Apologies if this has been asked already as I've not rtft, just OP's posts and tbf I suppose the answers to these questions don't even really matter now all things considered from OP's updates - But I'm SO confused why he expected you to leave the door unlocked all night, what if some rando off the street was trying his luck and happened upon an open, unlocked house?

He's seemingly totally okay with his wife and young children sleeping in an unlocked house all night where anything could happen if some loon decided to try their luck?

Then he had a hissy fit essentially when he discovered that you did in fact lock up? (The obviously right and safe thing to do!)

Also, does he not have his own house keys????

All of that alone is massive "WTF flag's" to me, let alone red ones.

Sorry you are going through this. He sounds like a moody, feckless man-child.

Sounds like you have reached your limit and who can blame you. I hope you get support IRL

I really wouldn't bother trying to get anywhere with him. He shown you who he is, even if drugs are behind it. Whenever you challenge his behaviour, he's turning the tables into it being your fault, so you will never win.

Please, I speak from experience, don't engage with him, just tell him it's over between you and either he moves out, or you will. Of course, he'll turn nasty, but deep down he knows he's out of order, but he's too immature to admit it to himself. If you're strong and determined he might just start to acknowledge his behaviour, but maybe by then it will be too late for you to go back and you'll feel better off without him.

The alternative is to keep complaining and he'll just keep on blaming you. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility!

Sounds like my ex husband who was hiding a raging coke addiction.

Same here, take care OP

Well don’t sympathise then but no need to stick your judgement on here and make somebody who’s in a shit situation feel worse.
Unless of course you need that to make herself feel better? 🤑

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It seems to all be about what he wants and needs and nothing about you.

He’s confusing her and making her doubt herself, her feelings of reality.
Classic gaslighting.
If they’d been together for 10 years hes had plenty of time to get in her head. I am actually surprised that OP is still so clear in her mind as she sounds after 10 years of this .

You can end a marriage purely on the basis you’ve come to the realisation your partner is an arsehole. You don’t need to wait for a single exceptionally awful event like an affair to happen first….

Hi OP, I haven't had time to read all the responses (but I've read all of your posts). Just wanted to offer strength and solidarity- I've been there, got the t-shirt. He used to wait until I'd gone to sleep and then go out. Never knew where he'd gone, but now he's my ex so I don't care- just happy I don't have to deal with that shit any more!

I mean besides all the rest anyone that sends me a response saying "cry me a fucking river" is gone. I can't understand why you are still tolerating him? I see it in real life too and I am just dumbfounded by how little some women value themselves.

Don’t put yourself through any more of this shit. See a solicitor, hide your car keys, don’t let him take any of your shared assets. You can discuss you staying in the house-ask the solicitor about an occupation order.

So he didn't want you to lock the doors@Roonil overnight with a baby and small child in the house? Why did he not have keys?

That's a truly pathetic attempt at making you the bad guy. Is that the best he can come up with? That you secured the house when you went to bed?

I had this with an ex when I was much younger. Thankfully we didn't have children together so I could make a clean break. His was cocaine benders. Sounds exactly like your partner - overly nice before he went out, blanking phone, angry and all my fault when he deigned to reappear. Then it would be followed by huge remorse, threatening suicide, couldn't live without me.
If he's still doing it now you've got children, nothing will stop. Every time you forgive him you're giving him permission to do it again. It's horrible and I feel for you, you've got to leave him or decide that you'll put up with it. I've had friends who've done the latter, 15 years down the line they're still putting up with it from their 45 year old plus husbands.

This woman has 2 kids under 4 she is singlehandedly taking care of, while cleaning and cooking for a manchild who is mentally abusing her.
May I ask where do you suggest she finds time for counselling sessions, or more importantly where does she find the energy for the soul draining conversations where she will not only have to convince herself but also the counsellor that she is not absolutely crazy and with an amnesia. Instead of spending invaluable time with her little ones she would be listening to this horrendous man twisting every single scenario she dares to mention during these sessions.

I understand you are coming from a good place and are thinking about saving a marriage here, and allowing 2 children to have a functioning family. But please read her post again.

She was left alone with covid to take care of an ebf baby with covid for a night - so he could party. He did not answer her calls all night and didn't come home almost 24 hours. He is now blaming her - taking the only thing she could think of - threatening to lock the doors- to turn it against her. He is now the offended one, the one who is suffering. The one who was out partying and not answering the phone is now suffering and this woman is wondering if she is overreacting ?!?
Can you not see she lost so much confidence already, this man is on a mission to destroy her mentally... Why on earth would you send her back to him...

Hope you get some rest. Having young children plus Covid is bad enough let alone your DH’s shenanigans.
What a very difficult situation. It doesn’t seem possible for him to see his own actions very clearly and nor does he want to. He already has a narrative constructed in his mind that he is sticking to - that you are the problem and it’s your job to make him happier by not bothering him with parenting responsibilities when he goes off on his AWOL benders.

Honestly, I would stop talking to him and asking him questions for your sanity. It’s too far gone. It’s time to let your parents and friends know everything so that you get support from them with a view to eventually leaving him.
If I was your parent I would be wanting to help you and the grand babies, especially if it does turn out to be cocaine that you are dealing with.

Pack his bags. Lock the door. When he knocks hand over his bags. Don't forget to smile. Cry when the doors closed.

I did exactly this to my child's father for something far less than your selfish turd has done. He sounds filthy horrid. Total disregard for you.

He will not expect you to be so brave. He believes your are completely weak.. be strong you sound lovely. Good luck.

Can you suggest you both go to counselling to see if that would help ? Is he saying he is unhappy in his marriage and it's all your fault ? He either does/doesn't want to be married to you - or is it that he wants to be married but also lead a single live and you should stay home & shut up ?

I’d let him speak his mind about how he feels, but in my mind already be one foot out the door.
I’d do active listening (repeat what he says with your own words) so that he feels validated (on the off chance that there’s anything logical behind this).

Tell him you’ll also have to tell him how you feel, but you’ll do that another time. This time is his.

When you tell him your feelings, try to use the techniques of nonviolent communication (there’s an excellent book) which offers fewer possibilities for criticism on his end.

But with that I don’t want to suggest to try to reconcile. Something is incredibly rotten here. I don’t see much chance for this to be reparable. So the kindness I suggest to offer is for your own peace of mind and for the sake of a civil co-parenting.

What you are experiencing is the most excruciating form of emotional torture.

I had this with my DH for nigh on 15 years when my DCx3 were all young. Was made to feel it was my fault no time for DH because of DC’s took me a while but eventually got the courage to pack his bags and turf him out of my life. Best thing I ever did as he had undermined and battered my self confidence for years. It was bloody tough but I am a stronger person without him and determined to get on with my life . P.S he has pleaded on several occasions to come back but I couldn’t / wouldn’t have him back in a million heartbeats. Stay strong and take care