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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I go to the wedding?

30 replies

skip2mylou · 26/05/2024 13:04

We’ve been invited to a family member’s wedding (abroad so will require considerable expense, time off work, arranging pet/house sitter, etc). I’m happy for DH to go (it’s his family member) but I cba with all of that hassle for someone who refused to speak to us for months after we told them we’d gotten married (registry office, just us and two close friends as witnesses). So was clearly super happy for us 🙄
AIBU? DH thinks I am and should try to build bridges. I’m quite happy with the absence of a bridge (but don't want to cause WWIII).

OP posts:

Createausername1970 · 26/05/2024 22:53

I probably wouldn't go for a variety of reasons - cost/annual leave/hassle and also the fact they got cobby in the first place.

But, I would encourage DH to go and I would simply say I couldn't go as I was unable to get the time off work. There is no arguing with that.

Original poster

skip2mylou · 26/05/2024 22:45

grumpygrape · 26/05/2024 18:55

Why does the OP need/deserve more support than her husband. As a team they should be mutually supportive but he’s trying to build a bridge with his family. However, OP seems to think it’s OK to throw his connection with some of his family away and potentially upset relations with others. Shouldn’t OP support husband in trying to build bridges for his, the rest of his family’s, and any future children of theirs’ sakes ? Are family really so disposable?

Show quote history

Calm down grumpy, there is no issue between DH and family member (clearly he's more forgiving than me) and I'm not suggesting he should "throw his connection with some of his family away and potentially upset relations with others".

DH thinks me going will help to mend bridges between me and family member. The thing is, I'm just not interested in having a relationship with someone who could be so deliberately hurtful - they seem to have forgotten all about it but I haven't.

Anyhoo, I've got a while to mull it over/perfect my fake smile/come down with bubonic plague.

Thanks to everyone who has commented.

OP posts:

grumpygrape · 26/05/2024 18:55

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 26/05/2024 17:27

I’d stick two fingers up quite happily. Maybe dh should support his wife.

Show quote history

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 26/05/2024 18:40

I would go. See it as an opportunity to spend quality time with DH.

HisNibs · 26/05/2024 18:13

My guess is one of DH's siblings for them to have given OP and DH the silent treatment for not being invited to their wedding and I'm guessing the threat of WWIII will be that PILs will get involved.
OP, I think you're fine not to go. It's the risk of overseas weddings, more people will choose not to attend.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 26/05/2024 17:27

grumpygrape · 26/05/2024 14:16

Something to consider.

Which is more important to you; supporting your husband or sticking two fingers up at the people who have invited you to their wedding ?

I’d stick two fingers up quite happily. Maybe dh should support his wife.

catzrulz · 26/05/2024 17:26

Riapia · 26/05/2024 13:57

You have been invited.

Exactly, it's an invitation.
Not a summons!

weddingding · 26/05/2024 17:22

I'm having a wedding "abroad" - it's in my home country, not a destination wedding as such, but DP is British so his family and friends will have to travel.

We expect that less than half our guest list will be able to make it, and that's absolutely fine. Completely understand that the cost and/or inconvenience are just going to be too much for some guests. Also delighted to have people attend without their significant other.

Hopefully your relative has a similar attitude, even if they've been sensitive about some things in the past.

If your DH is happy to go, I reckon you should send him as your "ambassador" and make up an excuse for why you can't be there yourself!

YorkNew · 26/05/2024 16:43

Normally I’d say yes as I absolutely love a wedding abroad but I’m not sure because of the person’s behaviour. I probably still would go despite the person’s behaviour if my DH wanted me to go.

NewName24 · 26/05/2024 16:39

'Abroad' because that's where they live, or 'abroad' because they've chosen to get married abroad for the scenery / weather ?

Also, does 'family member' mean sibling, or cousin ?

WaltzingWaters · 26/05/2024 15:32

Have they put effort into building bridges after dismissing what you wanted for your wedding? It’s not got anything to do with them how you got married.

I wouldn’t put AL and lots of expense into this. People having a wedding abroad should expect this.

DrJonesIpresume · 26/05/2024 15:29

DH saying building bridges is all very well, but how much effort have they put into building it from their side of the gorge?

SwayingOnThePorchSwing · 26/05/2024 15:28

I wouldn’t go. I stopped people pleasing years ago.

PiperLeo · 26/05/2024 15:25

The person getting married may have invited you out of spite but didn't expect you to go anyway because of the requirements.

Either way, I wouldn't go. DH wouldn't go either in our case. Too much hassle and expense tomshare a special day with someone who isn't that important to you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2024 14:51

grumpygrape · 26/05/2024 14:16

Something to consider.

Which is more important to you; supporting your husband or sticking two fingers up at the people who have invited you to their wedding ?

This though. It's not about the wedding or the relative. It's about your DH wanting to repair things. I'd have a proper conversation with him and go if it's something he really cares about and you aren't fussed.

Sandwichgen · 26/05/2024 14:46

Unless it is somewhere you’d both like to go, and a date which would fit in well with extending into a proper holiday, nah

Alwaysalwayscold · 26/05/2024 14:43

I would need to really love someone to go to the hassle of attending a wedding abroad. If I didn't even like them then it would be a no brainer to not go.

Moveoverdarlin · 26/05/2024 14:38

I’ve declined a couple of weddings that have been abroad. Whilst I would have gone if they were in the UK, no way am I paying for flights / accommodation for a destination I wouldn’t dream of normally visiting. It’s essentially a holiday with someone else’s family.

They are far cheaper for the couple getting married but extortionate for the guests.

Saintmariesleuth · 26/05/2024 14:25

If you don't want to cause WW3-
'I'm really sorry, but I won't be able to make it'(due to lack of AL/expense/other, whatever will best work in your circumstances). Buy a thoughtful gift/voucher etc in place of you not going.
If pushed, mention on repeat that it's a shame you can't go, but you hope they have a lovely day (I assume there will be some flying monkeys, so a white lie may best avoid an argument). Then leave DH to it

ByCupidStunt · 26/05/2024 14:20

oh don't go. Let that be a lesson to people that are twattish towards you.

Sirzy · 26/05/2024 14:19

I would just say you can’t get time off work.

Lifelong · 26/05/2024 14:18

Olika · 26/05/2024 13:39

I would not go. DH can make his own mind about going.

This.
Why change a status quo that you enjoy?

grumpygrape · 26/05/2024 14:16

Something to consider.

Which is more important to you; supporting your husband or sticking two fingers up at the people who have invited you to their wedding ?

WallaceinAnderland · 26/05/2024 13:58

No way would I use my precious annual leave allowance and wages for that.

If DH really wants to go then obviously he can but I would not be going with him and, in that case, I would take a couple of days off work to be home alone and enjoy the solitude 😂

Riapia · 26/05/2024 13:57

You have been invited.

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