Can't face work after this

About 10 years ago, I was in a role I loved when a colleague who had previously been my manager, mentor and someone I genuinely respected, trusted and cared for (and thought it was mutual) completely turned on me. He tried to undermine and discredit me with both internal colleagues/senior management and with critical external service providers. Thankfully most could see the reality but were all left feeling like they were stuck in the middle of a conflict. It didn’t help that despite many attempts to discuss with this colleague, I was unable to get a straight answer as to what I’d apparently done to cause the bad feeling and despite a number of attempts to discuss and resolve the issue (including a mediated conversation with my new line manager) the comments, abusive and bullying emails, disgraceful and unprofessional behaviour in meetings etc all continued.

Eventually, I had to recognise the relationship would never be repaired as he was not willing to move forward and it essentially meant I was severely impeded in my ability to do my job effectively. I was heartbroken but for the sake of my emotional and mental wellbeing and to salvage the chance of keeping a career at this company, I had to move to a different role in another part of the business.

The only saving graces were I didn’t lose out on a bonus as I was sure to document all interactions, so could demonstrate that he was twisting words after the fact to cast me in a poor light. Also, the man who’d been my manager during this ended up having to work closely with this man and very quickly saw for himself just how problematic his behaviour was, so I was ultimately completely vindicated.

I’ve since gone on to much bigger and better things in the broader type of role I ended up in which may not have been the case if it wasn’t for all that happened. I still feel totally betrayed and saddened by what happened but it’s taught me to take a much more pragmatic and rational approach to work and working relationships.

... my spidey-senses are tingling.

It is possible that your interactions will be strained due to rejection from the job. This is understandable, but it is your responsibility to manage.

Do what you need to do emotionally AWAY FROM THE OFFICE to manage this interaction. Journal, talk to friends, be with your lovely new family to remind yourself you are not incompetent/rubbish, and you are perfectly capable in doing your job well and to a high standard. Get back on that solid emotional ground. Remind yourself you are just an employee to them, and this is just a job to you.

Then....

Document and time stamp every interaction. If possible, try not to have meetings alone but if you do, follow up with an email summarising what happened, and the action points you are taking. Any pattern of bullying will become clear quickly.

If it is a misunderstanding because you are feeling rejected, then this is just good policy anyway, but if she is one of those then it will be useful in approx. 9 months (in my experience).

Best of luck

@Dimgwaith I think what @Lifelong said above makes sense. Document what happened. Keep
a diary for yourself - but try and just roll with things while you get up to speed. Don’t make any decisions while you’re upset and give yourself 2-3 months to settle back in. Maybe another internal opportunity will come up, or things will improve anyway, or, if not, you will be in a better state of mind to think calmly about what you want to happen. You’ve got this!

What I really dislike is when you go for a post and you just know they are going to go with the other person.
They waste your time and just go through the motions its annoying as you could have more experience etc but they have made their mind up before you have your interview.

@Dimgwaith This sounds really tough. I can sympathise as I was in a similar position, on track for imminent promotion to senior associate when I went off on mat leave. I didn’t have anyone covering my leave or promoted above me but when I came back from mat leave it was made clear that the promotion was very much no longer imminent. Meanwhile someone else in another team who was the same PQE as me did get promoted. I was absolutely fuming and did start looking around for other roles, but ultimately stayed because like you I valued the flexibility that came with being known and trusted, especially in those early nursery years when the baby is constantly ill.

Ultimately, it set my career back by a year or two. I didn’t have any more DC but if I had, that would realistically have been another 2 years setback. My DC is now 8 and it’s a distant memory, but I do remember the hurt and annoyance at the time.

One thing I would say is that the legal recruitment market is buoyant at the moment and you probably could find something else easily. Firms are so much more flexible now generally with hybrid working than they were pre-pandemic - my firm and almost every other firm I know does 3 days a week in the office, 2 wfh. So maybe have a little look around, you might decide like me that it’s not worth moving but equally you might find another great role (and salaries very much stagnate when you stay put, moving is often the way to get a good pay rise).

Document what happened carefully, date stamped in a private email to yourself.
This will be useful if you notice a pattern.
I can only imagine how upsetting this is for you.
You need to keep remindjng yourself of the positives of this job at the moment and focus on those.
Be seen to accept her promotion, but keep your notes if she feels the need to denigrate and humiliate you.
Keep a note of exactly who was present.
Detailed note taking is so important in situations like this should a grievance ever be necessary.
Hopefully things will settle down.

It's hard and so disappointing. But I think you need to give it a few months to settle back into the routine and kind of lick your wounds.

I've been doing a job for 2 years, someone left so I covered all their shifts as overtime. Then they started to recruit and I didn't get it, the job I was already doing and the hours I had covered for 6 months went to someone with no experience at all.
I was gutted and felt absolutely pissed off that I'd worked so hard and was just tossed aside for someone who was brand new to the job.
Where was the loyalty?

I've had to take a deep breaths and just get one with it. DH said I could quit if I wanted to and look for something else, but I've just ploughed through. And while still bitter, I have 2 young children, one is disabled, I have hobbies. My life is full and I'll just wait for the next opportunity.
Still really mad at the company that promised it was a "career" and they put "promoting internally at their core", I don't trust them anymore, but I'll take their wages and flexible hours.

@Notquitegrownup2 what a lovely post 💗

@Dimgwaith sorry to hear she seems to have thrown you under a bus. Could you ask anyone else in the meeting (whom you’re close to) what they thought? Or, is there an opportunity to call her out publicly “did you mean for me to look stupid in the meeting? Only it seemed to me that xyz happened but you didn’t give me all the info up front, can you clarify?”

This happened to me. I opted to do nothing, enjoy raising my young family and let the new person do the hard job.

In the end she didn’t stay, and I ended up with the job anyway a few years later!

One crap moment at work doesn't define you.

Crying is useful, especially to someone kind who loves you like your mum. It's a good stress release and it will help you to compose yourself that you've come home and let yourself feel how you feel.

Bide your time, but don't give up on yourself. You will get where you need to be in the long run.

I could have written ttme this 20 years ago. You're lucky she's a nice colleague. The lady I hired to cover my mat leave made sure when I came back that I didn't have a clue what was going on. Only shared half of what I needed to know. Let me turn up to internal and client meetings to look I'll prepared missing crucial points that I absolutely could not have known unless she told me. Tried to manage it, then escalated to our manager. Was told to sort it between us. She said ended up getting my promotion. Best thing that ever happened career was use. It took 2 months but I found a new job and was with them for 17 yrs. Made life long friends and had a job I loved.

Sometimes the nightmare is the universe forcing your hand or open that new door

Good luck

I also want to add that I actually started this company on a maternity cover position. I was made permanent before I contract was up but in a different role, and am 10 years in and very senior now.

It's massively nerve wracking taking on a maternity cover position. People tend to do it with a view they can be made permanent, so do take things they are over qualified for.

Plus, as a contractor, you have a fire in your belly... every hour of the day counts to make an impression. It's not the same as taking on a full time role and passing probation. It's so much more than that.

You can't compete with that. Unfortunately not being in the senior channel is a bi-product of not getting the role but not getting the role is fate. Your time will come later.

So this is me but I GOT the promotion. And I can attest that it is a lot. Too much. All that glitters certainly isn't gold.

Yes, I got a pay increase, and now qualify for a bonus and I got more stock, so the money is there but at what cost? My mental health. My physical health. My family time. The pressure is immense.

I had to tell them straight after the job was confirmed that I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and my DCs will be 24 months apart, so really I was back from mat leave 6 months when I felll pregnant again, plus got the promotion at the same time.

Right now I'm counting down the weeks to go again. I doubt I will be in the job too long when I get back. Recently I went on an overseas trip when DS was really unwell and I caught it and it was not worth the stress on DH as well as DS and me.

The senior meetings are not all they're cracked up to be! Expected to really listen and follow and contribute and at times present, it can be exhausting when you're under slept or mind elsewhere.

I'm in the situation now, so I feel grateful to have a promotion, an expanding family and the money but I do sometimes miss my last pregnancy. I was so comfortable in that old role and it was a breeze in comparison, albeit also without a toddler! I feel like all eyes are on me to perform and fix things and raise the bar. It's exhausting.

Be kind to yourself, you've been through a fairly big life change and it's ok not to slot straight back in where you left.

This is also my experience OP, and unfortunately the experience of a lot of mums returning to work.

You have just had your darling baby and you are building your little family alongside a successful career as a lawyer - be kind to yourself as these are monumental achievements in and of themselves. Is baby sleeping through? are you exhausted? how are you adjusting to motherhood? you've had a huge life change, you're doing great OP.

When the same thing happened to me the new family started to take precedence as I just felt my baby needed me more than my job. I work as an associate professor which took years to achieve and I just had to put aside the fact that a better, more dedicated person had come in to do my role. She did a better job of it than me - she has no kids and just has the time and energy to dedicate herself to it while I was still doing night feeds and exhausted from parenting. DD is two now and we work together in our team. She is absolutely lovely and I have to just admit she is just way better at the job than me. I'm now pregnant with baby 2 so career wise I've just had to stagnate. Professor roles will be there for me when I'm in my 40s but my babies need me now.

Sounds hard. However at present you have a flexible job. They come in very handy when you want to see events at nursery or if you suddenly have to pick them up when they are ill. It's difficult when other people jump you and you worry you aren't valued to stagnant. I feel that I'm just watching my workplace just pass me by
However my husband often reminds me of the value of a job in a box. I am left alone to get on with my job without checking in with anyone for days and definitely no chance of career progression any longer. However it gives me a lot of leave even pro rata, WFH less than half a mile from school, flexibility if I need to pick one of them up early. That's priceless and when the youngest is older enough for wrap around care next year then I'll look at going back full time elsewhere or upping my hours here if they can find me the work.

A new outfit may not offer you the hybrid flexibility you need. Also, you would need to prove yourself again. You feel hurt and that is understandable, but you’re actually in a very good position. You can learn from her and when you have more flexibility, perhaps bring that that to a new firm. At the moment, after having a baby you need familiar touch points so I wouldn’t jump ship too quickly.

^ this

I know exactly how this feels - being cast aside and the new shiny person who has taken over.

Getting a pay packet for a job you know is more important right now than worrying about other people.

I came back from maternity leave (one year) and there were many changes. Hardly anyone had a conversation with me. My role was sidelined and I was forgotten. The woman who is 10 years younger than me, was in a higher role and became my boss. She doesn’t have children, she has time and energy I don’t have to dedicate to my job anymore. I won’t have this time for years. I’m PT on reduced hours too, so there is no way I can complete with someone who is FT.

I wanted to be the old me at work and be valued and important. A year away changed that. I’m a new mum and focused on that now. I’ve grown to like the low-brow tasks. I can come and go with no time pressure and focus on DC. I think being a mum and still having a well paying job is way more important than going up the career ladder right now. That time will come.

There are so many changes when being a new mum, don’t be hard on yourself. I bet you’ll have the opportunity to be promoted or in a role that is more senior, but it’s just not today.

What firm did she come from? Maybe you could apply there if the ideas are genuinely good.

The stress of a demanding job and a brand new baby would put you under a lot of pressure and maybe spoil the lovely early days. Of getting to know your baby. You are generous minded enough to recognise the skills of your colleague, this will stand you in good stead and increase your popularity. Of course you could have done the job and the baby but would have felt stretched. Make the most of this time and be ready when your time comes. My only regret is spending too little time with my babies. It goes so fast.

Time to move on