My mum is ‘inviting’ herself on my family holiday and taking over my life AIBU?

No advice but watching with interest the suggestions you get as my sister, although not as extreme as your mum, is very similar to this. Makes me very anxious and has spoilt a number of special occasions for me.

@Whatthefuckwasthat you’re frightened of her, understandably, she’s been volatile all through your life and as you’ve recognised, you can’t control any of it.

ALL your thoughts and feelings are 100% valid. You have absolutely got the right to feel all of these and more.

boundaries. You need to work towards saying no - and potentially as someone has said, deal with holiday first and the rest afterwards, it’s more manageable for you. Less daunting.

so if you don’t want something, say so. Say ‘I don’t want that to happen’ and stick to it. Don’t ever bow to pressure. Say no, mean no and stay no.

I think giving it as a letter is a good idea. But first verbally say no to the holiday - non negotiable it has been decided by me and DH - then if she remembers one thing it’s that. Then next the letter and bigger conversation.
If you just read out what you have written, I think the message about - no you are not coming on holiday - might get lost in the much bigger important conversation to have about other things and you won’t achieve your primary near term objective.
it sounds really stressful and I have no idea if this will help you or not as I have no experience of it. I hope you can reclaim the peace you have built for yourself before she gatecrashed you.

I can understand you wanting to use this as the gateway to a larger discussion about boundaries in general. I don't think it's a terrible idea at all, but you need to think about what you want to say and clearly communicate what you want moving forwards, and firmly stick to what you want in future. Be prepared for the fact she might be very hurt and defensive. Try to be delicate, but don't pussyfoot around your expectations.

You may want to think about seeing a therapist of your own, just to understand your feelings and how to deal with these situations - I think it would be really beneficial for you.

Far too long a justification for a simple No

For one thing, she'll not hear everything you say. For another, it panders to her sense of entitlement to come on holiday with, as well as to other events.

Even if you were to email it to her, she would then go through all your explanations and reasons to say why you're wrong/mistaken/not a good daughter/she'll change.

You just need to be clear about your boundaries - and family holidays and personal socialising are not for her to hijack.

Easier said than done though - especially after years of building FOG in you

I like a PP's suggestion that you could help her develop her own life by finding and suggesting coffee meet-ups, or leisure interests for her to get involved in. And maybe agree a regular day/evening/lunch with you so that she and you can continue a more constructive relationship.

Otherwise your resentment of her will continue to grow, which is not healthy for you.

This - x 1,000,000

It's going to be hard Op but until you're honest with your DM this will keep esculating. No need for long speeches, just tell her the truth_ she needs to make her own life, she's not entitled to take over yours.
It's not just the drink Op, I know several people who won't let their adult DC live their own lives because they're lonely/ in unhappy marriages, they can't see the damage it's doing to their relationship with their DC.

Honestly, she sounds well-meaning but manipulative. I think there is immense value in what you said, but too many words for her to twist around and guilt trip you. My advice is to actually address one thing at a time, because she is going to feel under siege otherwise. (I would recommend separate occasions - the holiday first, and the other two when you get back.)

1. The holiday. Get that sorted. Tell her you and DP want to go as just a family. (Or to escape the wider family and spend some alone time with the kids.) Make sure she understands that she is not going with you.

2. Emotional Space: Address this. She needs to get her own social life and stop leaning on you. You are her daughter not her parent. You have your own kids and while she adds so much to your family now she’s well, you feel like she is parentifying you and over-stepping boundaries, ie in-laws.

3. Alcoholism - with a caveat… Have you discussed this with her before? How the thought of her slipping feels to you? Why you have been feeling responsible for her care and your anxiety is sky high as a result? You need to step back for your own MH.

Look up some local socialising events (maybe tied in with exercise of some kind since she's into that), pretend you want her to go along to one with you, use it as a way to get her some friends. Have a quick word with the organisers, they'll get her integrated in a way that's easy for introverts to deal with.

She just needs some friends that aren't you. She will care about everything else a lot less that way and it'll be less worry for you as well.

You have to learn to give nothing away in conversation….. no details of any plans!

and if she does cotton on then “sorry mum, you haven’t been invited”.

she clear can’t or won’t listen to more gentle approaches.

I think you should keep your “no” short. Don’t ramble about your anxiety or her issues -all she will hear is blah blah blah and then still ask you about the holiday. My advice is to say that you are not coming on holiday with us. If she asks why - tell her you’ve made your decision and will not discuss it any further. Treat her like a toddler - no negotiation.

@Whatthefuckwasthat I think just have to bite the bullet and say it’s not only DH saying ‘no’ but you just want some ‘you kids and him’ time somit’s a no from you, too. And additionally, this year you are doing Christmas just for your unit. Maybe depending how it goes you could say you are glad she’s turned her life around and you are glad she can see more of the children but she has to respect your boundaries and choices too.

I think you are imagining her responding with 'I am so sorry, I had no idea. Please tell me how I can help you going forward'

Her behaviour over years and years has shown that this is not going to happen.

You can't change her, the only person you can change is yourself. You need to grieve for the mum you wish you had and accept the mum that you do have. Who is nice sometimes and awful a lot of the time.

Op you've explained yourself really well in that email, and have given her a solid example which she can't deny. However I would send this to her to read instead of you saying it directly to her . And I think more importantly you need to be prepared for the various scenarios of her reaction to it. If she kicks off what will you do, if she gets drunk are you going to blame yourself, if she emotionally manipulates you then what's your boundaries?
Be prepared.
I think this is also a good opportunity to now make it very clear to her that she needs to not depend on you so much and make her own way.

How can you be a mother to your own children when you have to sacrifice part of you to be a mother to your mother? That's not right and it should make you want to stand up for them and for yourself.

I am incredibly close to my 4 adult kids. I would never invite my self along to anything. You can reasonably tell her no.

Definitely don't read that out to her, far too long and she won't care.

Just tell her you've changed your holiday plans so no holiday.

And going forward, practice not telling her stuff. It's not a surprise she wants to be involved as you are currently telling her every detail of your life, it's a very mixed message.

Have some stock phrases ready when she asks what you are doing
Don't know, not decided yet
We'll just go with the flow
DP is coming up with something
No real plans at the moment even if you do

I am reading this with interest because my mother is similar. For example, this year I've not gone on holiday to Italy because I mentioned it to my mother last year, she said " oh, I'll come". So now I feel I can't go to Italy because I don't want her coming and if I go without her she will be offended/angry/bitchy.

Fyi, she's not the alcoholic in my family, my father was when I was growing up. He's been sober since my twenties.

OP, you need to try not to give her so much detail. Although I appreciate that these things come out of left field often.

I wonder whether you could have joint therapy with your mother where you can talk through that kind of thing. What you have written is amazing. However if you just say it to her she won't take most of it in, she'll be dwelling on something you said earlier on. I think you should write it out and give it to her and then suggest counselling together.

It's not working out, her living near you.

It's causing you far too much anxiety. She needs to accept that everything she does has a price.

I’m not saying you should, but we used to take my mum away on long weekends so she had some kind of holiday with us. We had our main longer holidays without her. Depends on her age etc but if fit and well there are organised group holidays she could go on, if she doesn’t want to, that’s her choice.
she does sound really difficult.

Oh and you probably know this but don't be surprised at emotional blackmail. Be prepared. You have your own family now. She messed you up remember.

I would tell her kindly but firmly today that she can't come on your family holiday. Use We decided ...not DH decided. Do it firmly but kindly ..a bit like @ChangeAgain2 suggests.
I wouldn't bring all the other stuff up today. Let her diguest the no holiday first. No need to link it to past events. It is perfectly reasonable for anyone, good relationship or not, to not want there mother on their family holiday.
You don't want an argument linking past events to today's refusal. Hopefully sticking to the holiday issue today won't trigger a relapse. If it does don't blame yourself.
When this issue is established you can begin gradually distancing yourself in a kind way. Explain she is welcome sometimes but she needs other friends. I am aither and grandma. It is hard when some mothers feel a sense of ownership of their daughter's. I am sure you will know how to move ahead sensitively one step at a time. I would use @ChangeAgain2 's tactic every time. Putting in the thing you can offer at the end. If she takes that up ..good. if she refuses you then say ...that's a shame. Never mind well do something another time then move the conversation on. 💐
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I agree with@Chamomileteaplease. Email or post it. Or just hand her the letter.

Stay strong. We've got your back 💐

It's great that you have explained in that piece how you feel. But reading it out to her - it will go in one ear and out the other. Can you email or post it?

I can only reiterate what everyone has said about oversharing. Stop! Keep your peronsal life much more private.

And most of all stop worrying about upsetting your mum. You are allowed to upset her if that's the only way to protect yourself. Keep telling yourself this - I am allowed to say no.

Look up the NACOA on web/insta/FB and start learning about how being brought up by an alcoholic has affected you. There is a lot of information and support there.

Ignore Toxicinlawz as she clearly
doesn’t understand the issues at play here.