Sick of being the bad guy

I would have guessed 10 years old. At 19, you have to leave them to it. You can't win, especially if the other parent does not support you. What you can do though is disengage. There is no doing the rest, you are doing nothing. Any consequences if their actions that they bring to you, you make it your husband's responsibility to fix. 2 new favourite phrases for you. "Ask dad" and "tell dad".
" Mom where is my..., I have no clean clothes" *confused look, "ask dad", "tell dad". Dad may soon that getting fed up and finally teach his son some new skills.

How have you got any fight left in you after 19 years?

It sounds like he's got executive functioning issues and possibly neurodiversity? Sleeping in a bed that is full of mouldy crockery is not a usual thing to do. Nor is wearing dirty clothes - I have a teen with ND who has a lot of difficulty with personal hygiene and clothes - all due to sensory difficulties. Maybe you need to address the reasons behind his behaviour. Obviously some of them are actually a health hazard and that needs to be addressed. The parenting Disney dad isn't the issue.

He's an adult .

You need to treat him like an adult.

He needs to be responsible for his room.

He needs to contribute to the household.

If he is taking the crockery, then don't cook.

Dirty clothes. He should be responsible for his own laundry.

I wonder whether the real issue is that you aren't treating him like an adult.

The idea that he can't spend time with his dad unless he cleans his room is the sort of thing that applies to a much younger child.

He is either studying or working full-time. He shouldn't need to be told to clean his room

Doing a hobby with his dad but not allowed to do it until he’s tidied his room. I thought fair enough. Then I read he is 19! 🥴

OP are you normally the cook of the household? If so I suggest you clean his room but tell DH as he failed to sort the room out, he's now in charge of sorting dinner out for the next several days.

19??? I too thought you were talking about a 10 year old! Stop Tiptoeing around him like he’s a delicate flower, demand all the dirty crockery but if he’s spent all this time with people treating him with kid gloves then it’s a bit late in the day to start telling him he needs to tidy his bedroom.

I wouldn't have anything to do with an adult child bedroom , but yes your dh was being a twat

Why are you impressed adult father and son are spending time together? How low is your bar? I agree with the tidying stuff but the dad isn’t doing anything special.

19?! He’s an adult and you two still haven’t worked out how to parent together. That’s daft. If your adult son still won’t clean up after himself at 19 I’d give up and become Disney mum.

I missed the fact DS is 19 😳

In that case it's up to the both of them to pitch in and do their bit to contribute to the household.

Oh sorry, I thought he was an x h

I thought you were talking about a 10yo. I am impressed that your son and his father are spending time together doing something positive, absolutely think that you have your priorities wrong on this one.
I have a 18yo and a 20yo, I remove crockery from their rooms, otherwise if they want to live like pigs in shit, then that’s up to them.

My x wasn't a Disney dad, he was even more immature, but I was too weak with my son, now 18.

I'd ask your son if he'd like to move in with his dad? Tell his father "as you are happy that son be absolved of all tasks, can son move in with you? That way, he can be free to be lazy without being challenged on that? And you don't mind clearing up/cooking/washing for another so that would suit you two better than coming here, right?"

Why are you doing stuff for a 19 year old that shows no respect?

What??

I think you need to take a different approach to DS, given his age.
So clothes on the floor in his bedroom .. that's his problem. But you do not wash anything of his and he has to wash his own clothes or leave anything he wants washed in the laundry basket by the machine.
Crockery in his room. He simply doesn't get to eat in his room unless the crockery has been brought back. That means you also don't cook for him or if you have prepared food then you withhold the food until it's brought back.
Messy room - that's up to him.

I have two teens and one is really quite messy. The room is not cleaned unless it's tidy (we have a cleaner) and I ask that clothes are either in the basket or brought downstairs to the machine. He learned pretty quickly after being frustrated he didn't have any clean clothes. He also does periodically tidy but he doesn't keep on top of it. I don't ask him any more though. I just pull the door shut ! Mess does have to be confined to the bedroom mind you.
DH also needs to be on board. Can you ask him to buy into these arrangements? I don't think the tidy before hobby idea works for an older DS unfortunately

Time to go on strike.
im guessing your sons room isn’t the only place you’re responsible for ensuring gets tidied. What happens when you just leave them to it and do nothing?

no more reminders about appointments, no more buying in the food or doing the washing. Let your son and husband stoat about in dirty clothes from off the floor for a while.

your husband is another man child who prefers to play than be responsible and your son is clearly the same. They need to learn

Urgh, things won't change OP. You're stuck with them, unless you do something tough about it.

No. Leave them BOTH to sort the house out, whilst OP goes out and has fun on her own.

It’s not the house, it’s his room. He’s an adult

Well he’s an adult. Personally I’d let the room be as long as you’re crockery back.

19! I thought you were writing about a 7-year old.

Jeez.

The pair of them are behaving like children.