Partner having take away with his ex

It sounds like you are not the kind of person who can deal with your boyfriend’s situation. A lot of people aren’t. It’s probably best to recognise that.

Maybe stick to men without children or men with children who are grown up and have left the family home.

I understand where you’re coming from op because I’m a bit neurotic and insecure. This would bother me, and I’d rather have a relationship with less complicating factors.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, and in this case it’s more your problem than him. But you’re also entitled to feel how you feel, so maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you.

But if he walked miles to have a cup of tea with you at the end of the day I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

You're being a bit contradictory and very dog-in-the-manger!

You feel threatened by his comfortable domestic intimacy with his ex, as he helps her improve the home in which she is raising his child. You also dislike his presumption of domesticity with you, just letting himself in and helping himself to a cup of tea.

You don't want that from him, but he can't have it with anyone else either?!

It's not logical, so something else is going on here, your insecurities, or maybe a gut feeling that this just isn't right for you.

What is your darkest imagining? That he screwed her (in front of their child, while fitting a kitchen and laying a floor) then swaggered into your house fresh from his conquest?

He shares a child with his ex, they are always going to be connected. However, a shared child is a strong motivator. If they wanted to be together, if their relationship worked at all, they still would be. It doesn't.

It's still best when separated co-parents are constructive, amicable, genuinely caring. He needs to be with someone who supports that.

Put it this way. How would you want him to treat you, when you are separated from him, and raising his child?

I can see both sides but I wouldn't be happy about it either.

It's great they are so amicable and can still be in each other's company and co parent well, but yeah, I wouldn't love this.

Ahh I can imagine that's not nice to hear.

I can see both sides but, equally, I w

I do see your point.

Was he single when you met - or did he leave them for you? Is your response driven by guilt and anxiety? He's done it to her so he could do it to you?

Getting together with a man with a child means child and mother, a unit, will be in his and your lives probably forever in one way or another.

He is being present in his child's life, which is great, so it makes sense he's ensuring their home is comfortable. If he left them, guilt may be a factor that keeps him going back to help.

If you want to remain in this relationship you'll have to accept all that.

Giving him a meal in return for what could be expensive work otherwise seems reasonable.

But it could also mean she's considering taking him back.

Two domestic set ups must be very cosy and convenient for him. But you haven't yet reached the point when your space is shared and him just walking in feels like a presumption, and intrusive. Especially on top of your unease.

Telling him to go away? It seems that's the clearest thing you've said to him over all this, a specific statement of your feelings and wants, and he's listened.

So what you need to do is talk to him, use your words, tell him exactly how you feel.

And ask him the same thing.

Be careful - as we know, they can and do lie.

He fitted a kitchen, laid the bedroom floor, watched the FA cup final and was at yours by late afternoon for a cuppa - all in one day?

I wouldn't like it either OP. I'd be thinking why can't she get a handyman in to do the work, it would all seem far too cosy for my liking.

However, from his point of view he was probably just starving after some hard graft.

I think it depends if what you describe is a regular pattern of behaviour or whether this current DIY help he is giving her is a one off.
If he is always at her beck and call and doing whatever jobs she wants done, and if he is regularly socialising as though they are still a family together then I think you are justified in being wary of his relationship with her.
If however this is just an isolated incidence of him helping with a particular home improvement job then I think you are being a bit unreasonable to begrudge him helping.

How do you know he didn't finish? Do you know how many days it takes to fit a kitchen?

You are the red flag here

I moderate on a free family law group and I can say there are thousands of members who's conciliatory and amicable relationship with their ex (and therefore their informal contact arrangements with their child) goes downhill and completely pear shaped when a new partner comes onto the scene, and starts throwing their weight around.

Don't be that new partner.

Text him back and say you're sorry you threw a hissy fit because he came directly to your house after spending the day with his family, and that you'd like to make him a cuppa. This isn't about how he "wafted" in and his "new found arrogance", or you would have said that off the bat. You just don't like the fact he spent the day with and had two meals with his ex.

I would imagine his kid was there too, no?

Sounds like they sre amicable, he did diy and she made a sandwich and bought a takeaway as least she could do for someone doing free kitchen/flooring.

Knocking and walking in asking for tea is not overfamiliar to me, if you don't like it fair enough let him know or lock the door but i dont think that is an issue for many people.

After asking him to leave I am not surprised he hasn't messaged. Have you messaged him?

And you can't dictate to him that he can't do a days DIY helping the mother of his child and be expected to eat separately from them. It's really intense, this relationship is doomed.

1. it is his daughters house - who is more important than her ?!
2. they are a new couple so even if he wouldn’t (and tbh why would he when helping himself to a cuppa is arrogant?! ) it’s. Or really good comparison.

I’m now confused as you’re now okay-ish with the whole thing but now annoyed with how he entered your house? Why not tell him to not just enter? Why not lock your door and then he has to wait until you unlock?

I think you’re annoyed he’s spent the day with his ex. You’re annoyed that he’s not come over moaning about how bad it was and instead he’s come over on a good mood as he’s had a good day.
If you don’t like the situation and how amicable he is with his ex then end the relationship.
He’s barely messaged you since as he’s probably confused why you’re so angry and may now be questioning the relationship himself.

At the very most I could understand being slightly jealous at the takeaway/TV but jt was some kind of footie final and presumably his child was watching it too. I wouldn't have said anything though as it would be a me problem.

The fact you even think her making him a sausage sandwich is of any concern is ridiculous. Was he supposed to take a packed lunch?

So you think he should have gone hungry the entire day?

If you feel his behaviour of popping over to say hi (and to show you that he was making time for you even when busy doing DIY) and making himself a cup of tea in your home seemed over familiar, then your relationship certainly isn't at the point where you have any say over how comfortable he is around anyone else eg his ex.

You can tell a lot about someone by how they treat their ex/es and the parent of their child. Sounds like he is a decent person, and he has gone quiet because you've shown him that you want to control under what circumstances he is allowed to manage his relationship with his child and ex.

You sound too insecure. Probably best not to be in a relationship with a person who has an amicable relationship with his ex.

Tbh I can see what you mean. He went round to do DIY which is great but actually didn't finish what he was doing as they sat around watching TV and eating takeaway. That's not him helping out, thats family time.

It certainly wouldn't be a deal breaker unless there's backstory, but you need to chat about boundaries.

You're reaction is odd and immature. It's not surprising that he hasn't messaged.

He was working all day, was he not supposed to rest and eat at all over there at any point?

And no cuppa because he is a new partner? You are strange.

My DD’s dad lives in another city. When we do pick ups and drops offs we have lunch, look around shops etc If he picks up from our house I make lunch and we have it together with DD, we might watch a film. He might help with something in DD’s room or the rest of the house if needed.
This is totally normal for amicable co-parents. You are being very unreasonable and sound jealous and immature. What do you want? A horrid man who barely sees his child and treats his ex badly?

Are you upset that you ex doesn’t support your child this way or that your just having second thoughts generally about the relationship? Either or both are fine - it’s hard to unpick what it is that you are unhappy about and offer advice if you yourself are not clear.

This is shocking. It is one thing for the op to be jealous and insecure, it’s her relationship, but you’re also showing yours a deeply insecure and jealous person and it’s not even your relationship.

Just dump him