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AIBU?

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Original poster

To help ex in hour of need?

33 replies

Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:09

I split up with dp (and father of my children) 12 years ago and have sole custody of children. FWIW I think he is a horrible, aggressive and very limited person but have tried to stay on good terms for the children.

After we split I let ex stay in a second flat I own in London to help him save up for his own place. He ended up staying for 10 years - I wanted my children to have somewhere nice to stay when they visited him and to give him the opportunity to get back on his feet and I became resigned to the situation. In that time he saved nothing (because he is awful with money) but bought man toys of course and I lost what would have been a lot of rental money. I finally asked him to leave.

He is now in a shitty rental that is going up in price and has developed serious health problems. Hr has a senior job but worried he will lose it and won't get the flexibility needed for his treatment. He has asked for my support and to move back in to the flat. It is vacant as I was planning to sell it.

I know the Christian thing is to help and I know he is my children's father but he has squandered money, has given me the minimum required for child support, took advantage of me when together and cannot save. Once he is in he will never leave.

On the other hand my children will never forgive me if he gets sicker and can't work and I don't help him.

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 25/05/2024 23:23

Ah op I think that's a really hard position he's put you in.

I think you've patched this man's life together for 10 years. And he's had 2 years to get on his own two feet. Realistically with the helping hand you've given him he's really no excuse for not being in a better position.

I think ultimately you say no and remind him that you helped him out for 10 years and he has essentially cost you money for that entire time. I think it's ok to teach your children healthy boundaries. I'd consider what help/support (if any) you feel is appropriate to offer and stick by that. It's not your job to fix him, he's not fixing himself because he's expecting you to bail him out if he bullies you into it.

I think at some point you need to be done with it and if your kids eventually come asking then you can explain to them that you have bailed him out for 10 years and it was more than enough. If it's deeply upsetting for them then you can reconsider but if they aren't close or seeing him often then it might not be an issue.

Chchchchnamechange · 25/05/2024 23:22

he needs to do what other ill people do, which is negotiate with his work. If he’s too ill to work he should get benefits which will pay his rent.

He hasn’t only sponged off you, he has sponged off his own kids. You could have put them through uni or saved a deposit for them. Just say no!

Itsthedress · 25/05/2024 23:20

He is not your responsibility and you would not be unreasonable to say no.

If you are inclined to help and can afford to, then I’d suggest only helping until the children are 18.

But don’t let him live there completely free, ask him for rent.

olderbutwiser · 25/05/2024 23:19

Why do you say your children won’t forgive you? How much are they aware of? Is there another lesser way you can help him? How much will it cost you to let him have the flat for a while? Do you need the money badly?

Objectively I agree with pp he’s had more than enough help from you already, but in reality these situations are really hard to negotiate.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2024 23:18

Tell everyone it has already been sold, just waiting in the paperwork.

Fuck him op, fuck him.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:15

Thx@Crispsandcola
Children are teenagers. Not very close to him. See him every 3-4 months.

OP posts:
Pipersouth · 25/05/2024 23:15

I think you’ve given him enough- this may just be a move designed to get back into the flat. Don’t give him his power back over you. In your own words he is horrible and aggressive and needs to lie in the bed he made (unfortunate about the health issues if they are real but that’s the way it goes if he has saved nothing)

Crispsandcola · 25/05/2024 23:14

Nope. He is a grown man, an adult. You owe him nothing and have actually done more for him (and, indirectly your children) than you needed to. What ages are your children btw?

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