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AIBU?

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Original poster

To help ex in hour of need?

33 replies

Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:09

I split up with dp (and father of my children) 12 years ago and have sole custody of children. FWIW I think he is a horrible, aggressive and very limited person but have tried to stay on good terms for the children.

After we split I let ex stay in a second flat I own in London to help him save up for his own place. He ended up staying for 10 years - I wanted my children to have somewhere nice to stay when they visited him and to give him the opportunity to get back on his feet and I became resigned to the situation. In that time he saved nothing (because he is awful with money) but bought man toys of course and I lost what would have been a lot of rental money. I finally asked him to leave.

He is now in a shitty rental that is going up in price and has developed serious health problems. Hr has a senior job but worried he will lose it and won't get the flexibility needed for his treatment. He has asked for my support and to move back in to the flat. It is vacant as I was planning to sell it.

I know the Christian thing is to help and I know he is my children's father but he has squandered money, has given me the minimum required for child support, took advantage of me when together and cannot save. Once he is in he will never leave.

On the other hand my children will never forgive me if he gets sicker and can't work and I don't help him.

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:
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mummyofhyperDD · 27/05/2024 00:00

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2024 23:30

Saying no now will help your children to learn to say no to him in the future.

He has other options, leave him to it.

This is very good advice. My ex husband is similarly useless with money - I won't allow him to rely on our DD. I explain to her that financial support is from the parent to the child snd not the other way around. Saying no now will ultimately help your children.

saraclara · 26/05/2024 23:40

"I'm sorry kids, but your dad has paid nothing to live in my flat for ten years. That means I've basically given my ex-husband £200,000. That gave him chance to save most of his wages, which he could have used now. But he didn't. You might not understand it now, but when you're older you'll look back and recognise how incredibly generous that was of me. The flat is for sale and viewings are planned. I can't and won't go back on it"

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/05/2024 23:35

Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:09

I split up with dp (and father of my children) 12 years ago and have sole custody of children. FWIW I think he is a horrible, aggressive and very limited person but have tried to stay on good terms for the children.

After we split I let ex stay in a second flat I own in London to help him save up for his own place. He ended up staying for 10 years - I wanted my children to have somewhere nice to stay when they visited him and to give him the opportunity to get back on his feet and I became resigned to the situation. In that time he saved nothing (because he is awful with money) but bought man toys of course and I lost what would have been a lot of rental money. I finally asked him to leave.

He is now in a shitty rental that is going up in price and has developed serious health problems. Hr has a senior job but worried he will lose it and won't get the flexibility needed for his treatment. He has asked for my support and to move back in to the flat. It is vacant as I was planning to sell it.

I know the Christian thing is to help and I know he is my children's father but he has squandered money, has given me the minimum required for child support, took advantage of me when together and cannot save. Once he is in he will never leave.

On the other hand my children will never forgive me if he gets sicker and can't work and I don't help him.

Aibu to say no?

Huh? Why is it your responsibility, why do you think they wouldn’t forgive you?

You gave him more than enough help.

grinandslothit · 26/05/2024 23:33

He is a user and a leech who has stolen money from you and your children.

Your children are teens now, so there is really no reason to ever talk to this cocklodger ever again. Send him a text saying you wish him well and goodbye. Then, delete and block him.

Bigcat25 · 26/05/2024 22:55

I mean, if you really want to do it for your kids sake, at least charge him some rent this time.

nimski · 26/05/2024 17:07

Absolutely not, not a chance. It's not his hour of need it's his continuous utter uselessness and it will never end.

Caroparo52 · 26/05/2024 12:51

You have carried him for 10 years plus. Enough is enough.

sell the property.
Your children are old enough to understand how charitable you've been but also that adults have to stand on their own 2 feet.

SamuelDJackson · 26/05/2024 12:16

Its not his hour of need, its a the continuation of a lifetime of needieness.
You had a relationship and DCs with him, you did not adopt him and all his problems in perpetuity. I can understand why you made the decisions you did 10 years ago with your children in mind, but you cannot let him guilt you into moving into the flat again now. As you are selling Im presuming you have plans for the money that involve you and your children's futures without this leech derailing them.

If your DCs ask, you can show them the figures and demonstrate how much you have supported and subsidised him over the 10 years, and how much of a difference that money could have made to them eg house deposits, uni.
You could also ask them what responsibility he bears in the situation, given that he was earning and had his housing costs subsidised but chose not to save or plan for the future (his or theirs).

Beamur · 26/05/2024 10:07

Stick to that OP! He's not your responsibility.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 26/05/2024 10:04

Thx fr everyone's advice. When we were together it was like being a mother to a teenage boy and again he expects me to mother him, so I really must say no to him. Thx all.

OP posts:
mammaCh · 26/05/2024 00:02

You helped him for 10 years. Do not do it anymore.
He's us not your responsibility.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 25/05/2024 23:55

Absolutely not! You’ve given him more than enough. He’s taken advantage of you and squandered his money, that’s his problem!
This is a key moment with your DC actually. He will only be a financial burden to them if they let him. By you saying no this time. you’ll teach your kids that it’s okay to say no to him. Don’t do it. Put them first.

MyWhoHa · 25/05/2024 23:43

No. You've done far more for him than many other people would have.

Starlightstarbright3 · 25/05/2024 23:40

He only see’s the children every 3 - 4 times a year….

He is using it to manipulate you rather than take responsibility for himself .

Its time he dealt with his problems .

You know this deep down .

Crispsandcola · 25/05/2024 23:39

Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:15

Thx@Crispsandcola
Children are teenagers. Not very close to him. See him every 3-4 months.

I reckon your children will be very capable of understanding your position and supporting your decisionto put your needs first. You're the one who has always been there for them after all. Put any lingering guilt aside and move on from him for your own sake.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2024 23:30

Saying no now will help your children to learn to say no to him in the future.

He has other options, leave him to it.

Theunamedcat · 25/05/2024 23:30

He reserves the right to fuck up his life

And you should protect yours you literally gave him a fuck ton of money by not charging him rent for ten years that 200k could buy a three bed house in my area easily

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 25/05/2024 23:29

How unreasonable he is to ask. No of course you shouldn’t sub his accommodation a moment longer, and shouldn’t have done it for the past ten years either. You have given him totally unrealistic expectations. You already have children and from the sounds of it they can expect nothing from him, time to pull on your big girl pants and be kind but firm. Sorry to hear you aren’t well but moving back won’t be possible. On repeat. He is not your responsibility and your children will understand that when they are mature enough.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 25/05/2024 23:28

@Chchchchnamechange that's how I feel too, that he has taken from our children. I estimate I saved him (and could have made about £200k) in the time that he was in my flat.

As an aside the fact that he is horrible with money and refuses to save drives me nuts and was one of the major conflicts in our marriage. I begged him to get a financial plan and to sort a pension and he refused to do either because that sort of thing is a drag. Now he is old, retiring in less than 10 years and has nothing.

Because of his is going to end up being a financial burden on his children - a shitty legacy to leave.

OP posts:
SuzySizzle · 25/05/2024 23:27

How old are your kids? Is the money from the flat likely to end up as theirs? What do they think?
Is the illness life limiting?
I might help him but would do so for the kids.

Pippa12 · 25/05/2024 23:26

Not a chance. Unfortunately, he’ll need to rely on the benefits system for hand outs, not you!

PickAChew · 25/05/2024 23:25

He sure knows how to pull your strings.

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/05/2024 23:25

Jesus Christ almighty! Absolutely not! He's a grown ass adult. You owe him nothing. Tell him sorry the property is for sale. Please don't do this. Let him deal with himself.

Beautifulbythebay · 25/05/2024 23:24

Your dc need to see you have boundaries.. Not being a doormat.

Doyoumind · 25/05/2024 23:23

You have lost tens of thousands of pounds of income thanks to him. Sounds like your DC would benefit more from the money from the sale of the house. You aren't responsible for him.

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