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Original poster

To ask about about coco butter and moisturising kids in general?

35 replies

Pistachioicecream123 · 25/05/2024 21:34

I'll pre caveat this post by saying I'm an experienced mum with older children but currently navigating having a surprise latecomer, and I adore him but he's super challenging as he has Adhd and probably autism too. He's very sensory and we have quite a task settling him at night and also lots of food issues, sound sensitivities and he's a massive stimmer. Anyway, he's recently developed an obsession with using coco butter, he loves it on his skin when he gets out of the pool or bath and generally getting ready in the mornings. I'm fine with this, I love the stuff anyway, used it a lot when I was pregnant to stave off itchy skin and stretchmarks and it smells like chocolate, what's not to like? It's bloody lovely. What worries me, possibly irrationally and neurotically, is that he's developed this appreciation after becoming super tight with a cute little boy who happens to be black. Now I'm delighted he's got a little mate, and his mums one of the funniest and brightest women I've had the pleasure of meeting in years, I think she's brilliant and weve got on straight away because we were both at the same level of madness with our postgraduate journeys while dealing with kids, what I think is happening is that my son is absorbing some of their culture and copying what they do when they get out the pool or bath and that's grand, plus I definitely dont mind using it and giving him a bit of a massage as I think it calms him and helps him sleep. I might be being paranoid, but what I don't want to happen is that this mum or anyone else thinking that I'm trying to copy or appropriate what they do, or trying to fit in. I'm of a fairly rare combination of mixed race myself and it was really shit growing up when people kept trying to own things or appropriate stuff, I almost felt scared to do anything for fear of offending someone. I think my little boy is savvy and knows that using this coco butter moisturiser is nice and his mates do it. He's probably right. I also know it has some cultural significance, and I'm massivly inept In this respect, I'd appreciate opinions. If I'm being batshit and over thinking stuff, please tell me. I'm honestly thick as mince, probably where the autism comes from, we as a family tend to have more degrees than we have friends.

OP posts:
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FindingMeno · 26/05/2024 04:31

I think you're being given a hard time on here and I'm sorry for that.
You sound like a lovely person, sensitive to others, and I think you and your son sound like good friends to have.
Stop worrying so much and enjoy connection is my advice.

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 26/05/2024 04:13

It's cocoa butter, you're fine 🤣🤣

Mamai100 · 26/05/2024 03:54

You are over thinking things but I get that you are seeking to learn, surely that's more important than some flimsy wording on stereotypes? People should give you a break, surely it's a good thing that we ask questions before offending someone?

stepfordblanket · 26/05/2024 03:29

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 26/05/2024 03:22

Black children's skin is more prone to dryness
I thought black people tend to moisturise more regularly because dry skin is more visible on dark tones. Ive Just googled though and there is some suggestion dark skin may be dryer than light skin so I may be wrong. Either way though it's still a silly thing to overthink to this extent.

Edited

The visible dry skin thing comes up on Twitter periodically in the form of the washcloth debate and a new wave of people discover dry skin shows up more clearly on darker skin tones.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 26/05/2024 03:22

Black children's skin is more prone to dryness
I thought black people tend to moisturise more regularly because dry skin is more visible on dark tones. Ive Just googled though and there is some suggestion dark skin may be dryer than light skin so I may be wrong. Either way though it's still a silly thing to overthink to this extent.

Original poster
Pistachioicecream123 · 26/05/2024 03:07

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 26/05/2024 02:27

I'm not sure why you think black skin needs moisturising more than any other skin. Dry skin needs moisturising. There may be more of a cultural norm for (some demographics of) black people to moisturise for various reasons but that doesn't mean using cocoa butter is a black thing! I appreciate you want to make friends and avoid upsetting people but I also agree you need to work on recognising stereotypes. Your comment about identifying as black but liking unseasoned chicken was weird.

Black children's skin is more prone to dryness, and it's normal to add moisture to them. I know this from my experiences in a group care environment, they also had a different regime with their hair too, I was a little bit jealous that they had this level of care when I was I was left without proper care myself and had to have about 8 inches of my curly hair cut off because it was matted. But I was not considered important because I was just a difficult child with with white skin and a terrible attitude. I grew up with black children, they were my siblings I miss them, doesn't mean I know how to raise a white child who's best friend is black, all I asked was If there was an issue with my sons new obsession with coco butter. It is a bit cultural, I didn't wanna fuck it up for him that's all.

OP posts:
emeraldtablet · 26/05/2024 02:40

Palmer's Cocoa Butter products, for one, sell billions of units worldwide, are available in every supermarket I've ever been too, and are used by all ages, races, and denominations. This is the weirdest stretch I've read today.

PoopingAllTheWay · 26/05/2024 02:39

‘’’But suddenly my child, who happens not to be black is adopting a self care routine that's generally a black thing, and I just wanna make sure that's all good, I mean, I dont care if he's wanting to be black, he can identify that way of he wants, he`ll struggle given the fact he's ginger and he eats chicken without any seasoning on it ‘’’

You cant be serious can you?????????

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 26/05/2024 02:27

I'm not sure why you think black skin needs moisturising more than any other skin. Dry skin needs moisturising. There may be more of a cultural norm for (some demographics of) black people to moisturise for various reasons but that doesn't mean using cocoa butter is a black thing! I appreciate you want to make friends and avoid upsetting people but I also agree you need to work on recognising stereotypes. Your comment about identifying as black but liking unseasoned chicken was weird.

Original poster
Pistachioicecream123 · 26/05/2024 02:14

Thanks everyone, I think I'm being a bit of a knob, I shall stop being such a mad Mary about it all . I'm off to bed now and will probably go to the picnic tomorrow with my son and his little friend without over analysing stuff now. I really appreciate your opinions, I just wanna be her friend, it's been about a year since anyones been in my house, big deal x

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 26/05/2024 01:56

Crack on with the Coco butter op

Absolutely great for skin, wish my DD was as embracing of it as your son!

stepfordblanket · 26/05/2024 01:42

OP I sincerely doubt anyone will even notice your son’s newfound cocoa butter love but in the extremely unlikely event that it were to come up, what you said in your first post is explanation enough. Namely, you’ve always used it, your son has subsequently taken to it and it seems to calm him and help him sleep.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 26/05/2024 00:59

I think you're aiming to approach this from a good place but, as mentioned above, you've given this too much headspace.
Body moisturiser is universally used and, as a black mum, I wouldnt think anything of you using it.
However some of your other statements, in your original post and subsequent ones. give an insight into some stereotyping that is likely to rub people the wrong way if vocalised in conversations.

Original poster
Pistachioicecream123 · 26/05/2024 00:41

mathanxiety · 26/05/2024 00:29

It's not an exclusively black thing, not by a long shot.

It's sold everywhere. People use it all over the world. It's not the equivalent of corn rows or dreadlocks.

You're massively ovethinking this.

Show quote history

Yeah Im beginning to see this now, I think I've been over influenced by tiktoks and socialmedia designed to make people feel different or unusual, I think because I'm culturally homeless I'm scared to upset people, desperate to fit In, and maybe paradoxically that's what I've done, fucked it up, rather do it here though, than let my kid try and work it out. Taking notes and hoping to support him going forward..

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 26/05/2024 00:29

Pistachioicecream123 · 25/05/2024 22:24

Of course its not, it was about the temporality of the situation, black children have this in their lives, black skin requires this mositurisarion after bathing or swimming, we live in a city where a good percentage of kids are black, a good percentage are also Asian and white too.
My child, who's not had many friends because he has special needs, is attached to a child who's black, so is his mum who Ive enjoyed getting to know and alls good.
But suddenly my child, who happens not to be black is adopting a self care routine that's generally a black thing, and I just wanna make sure that's all good, I mean, I dont care if he's wanting to be black, he can identify that way of he wants, he`ll struggle given the fact he's ginger and he eats chicken without any seasoning on it 😭😂 all I care about is my kid and his friends getting along and him not being accused of pinching someone else's stuff 🙏

Show quote history

It's not an exclusively black thing, not by a long shot.

It's sold everywhere. People use it all over the world. It's not the equivalent of corn rows or dreadlocks.

You're massively ovethinking this.

justasking111 · 26/05/2024 00:28

My Hungarian friend said all her family used it growing up. She's in her seventies now. So it's nothing new

Original poster
Pistachioicecream123 · 26/05/2024 00:23

Crazycatlady79 · 25/05/2024 23:48

I think you might need to do some work on your racial stereotyping and it's probably best to start with refrainng from saying something is "a black thing'. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Thanks. I think so too. Where I live now there is a mostly black culture and they are so lovely and kind, but they seem to have a community, and thats cool, but my son wants to be their friend, he's just wanting to make friends, this is why I'm interested x

OP posts:
Original poster
Pistachioicecream123 · 26/05/2024 00:16

Thanks everyone for putting things in perspective, all I was concerned about was a 'white' family being perceived as being too quick to adopting and appriopriating something that mattered to them. I didnt want to be seen as copying their culture and this seemed like something that was quite important, I've probably misunderstood it, I want to fit in and be accepted, in all honesty, I'd like to have friends and I'm a good friend, loyal and reliable. I'm just a bit clumsy about making friends and understanding cultures. I'm grateful for the Input and I'll take it all on board. Xx

OP posts:
Crazycatlady79 · 25/05/2024 23:48

I think you might need to do some work on your racial stereotyping and it's probably best to start with refrainng from saying something is "a black thing'. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

murasaki · 25/05/2024 23:02

I used cocoa butter as a teenager when I had dry skin, (hello Bodyshop!) had no idea i was engaging in cultural appropriation. If it works for your kid, do it. Really, don't worry.

Hankunamatata · 25/05/2024 23:01

Im white as they come and love coco butter and using coconut oil on my hair

Balloonhearts · 25/05/2024 22:58

You're overthinking it. I bet his mum will think it's cute that he is copying his little mate. One of mine used to be besties with a black little boy where we used to live, always round each others houses and it wasn't unusual for him to come back with his (blonde) hair braided. Kids are like parrots at that age, they copy each other.

Coolblur · 25/05/2024 22:53

I never knew moisturising with cocoa butter was a race thing it isn't! His friend uses it, and he likes it too for the reasons you described (smells of chocolate, etc.), and you even used it in pregnancy. I've no idea why you're being weird about this, but just let him use it if he wants to.

BrassOlive · 25/05/2024 22:34

It's sweet that you're thinking carefully about this, but millions upon millions of people, of all backgrounds and ethnicities, use coco butter based products. It has got to be one of the most universally loved moisturising products of all time (it certainly was among me and my white-British girlfriends trotting off to spend our pocket money at the Body Shop every weekend).

stepfordblanket · 25/05/2024 22:32

Pistachioicecream123 · 25/05/2024 22:24

Of course its not, it was about the temporality of the situation, black children have this in their lives, black skin requires this mositurisarion after bathing or swimming, we live in a city where a good percentage of kids are black, a good percentage are also Asian and white too.
My child, who's not had many friends because he has special needs, is attached to a child who's black, so is his mum who Ive enjoyed getting to know and alls good.
But suddenly my child, who happens not to be black is adopting a self care routine that's generally a black thing, and I just wanna make sure that's all good, I mean, I dont care if he's wanting to be black, he can identify that way of he wants, he`ll struggle given the fact he's ginger and he eats chicken without any seasoning on it 😭😂 all I care about is my kid and his friends getting along and him not being accused of pinching someone else's stuff 🙏

Show quote history

I dont care if he's wanting to be black, he can identify that way of he wants, he`ll struggle given the fact he's ginger and he eats chicken without any seasoning on it

Wow.

Moisturising, coco butter or not, isn't specific to any race or culture. The above, however...😬