Am I expecting too much from my soldier husband

I had a military childhood. My dad was never like that.

I am married to a soldier and I can assure you, our relationship is 100% NOT what you describe. I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a terrible husband. There is nothing normal about his behaviour and actions as a MARRIED man. You and your children deserve way more than the scraps he's giving you.

To be fair, I have met a lot of women whose husbands are not military who behave exactly the same as when they were single. But it is not sustainable or fair to you.

He has forgotten his age when he goes out boozing with the younger lads

He has forgotten he is married

with children !

he needs to grow up, and take responsibility for his life and the (single man ) way he lives it.

But that only comes with the benefit of experience @GingerPirate
20 something me would have probably found a soldier muscly and appealing.
40 something me wouldn't touch one with a barge pole

But the OP married her soldier husband.
Presumably she knew a bit about life?
Just yesterday there was a thread about how unfit husbands and/or fathers policemen are.
Surely, I wouldn't even look into these waters.

This may or may not be normal for a military man but its not good enough for a husband and father. Its terrible behaviour. And it won’t change. He likes it like this.

You don’t like it and you shouldn’t like it! He is utterly useless.

I can’t see a single positive point you have made about him, @Flowersandbubblegum . Do you want to stay in the marriage?

It currently seems he has two families and unfortunately his Army family are more fun than his actual one. I’m so sorry but I can’t see this changing.

The only plus I see in this relationship is cheap housing, but if you weren’t responsible for his debts that would not be a problem.

What are you getting out of staying with him op?

D.I.V.O.R.C.E. And asap, just read that out to my husband who's ex army and just got an eye roll, marriage is a partnership, respect, love, is it always perfect no. You have children to experience a family. Yours must be miserable like you and if their not they soon will be. Life's to short, get the hell out

My guess is because it's really, really common for those in the forces to have problematic relationship with alcohol, and it's easier for him to justify it when he's "just" out with his mates.

But he's older, and probably more senior, and being permanently out on the lash is not good. Especially as it's leading to a neglectful attitude to his family.

Something's got to give - and if he's not responsive to stepping up, then you need to start thinking about what you would like your life to be like. Including how often you want your DC to be changing schools (which may become a more important for later primary and secondary schooling)

At least now you have your children. When they are grown you will be on your own. He won’t suddenly change his habits. Don’t waste your life. Get out!

I think you should consider your future because I doubt he will change. Would you be better off apart? Sounds like he wants to live as a single man.

exactly this
get out - use your money to support a more satisfactory life rather than paying off his debts.

From your post I can’t really see anything he contributes to you and your children. What’s keeping you in this relationship? It sounds like your life would be no different if you separated.

He is an ass. Two options divorce him or move off base and build your own life and he comes home a weekends.

Why is he going out drinking if he is in debt?

He's being an arse.

I married a military man, decided not to move around with him. Bought property and stayed put to give the kids stability with schools etc. It's been hard with him being away so much but when he is home he is present with us not off with mates all the time so better quality. I would divorce mine if he was like yours.

@BMW6 I agree he is not there , he's never been there , get out now . This is not how it's meant to be .

He's not really in this marriage is he.

Yeah, that's not acceptable. Fine when he's 21 and single but he's a grown adult now.

We're past this now but all the decent lot I knew in the army would do loads for the family when they got home and sure as hell weren't expecting their partner to do everything with the kids and work two jobs to subsidise their drinking. They'd be really unimpressed with anyone who did.

Good news is the army are good with taking maintenance out of pay if you split up.

You need to throw yourself into making friends with other wives, they are the only people that can empathise with what you are going through,
My network of military wives stretches the country thanks to many many moves from us all before setting into 'forever life'!

If it's more comfortable make friends with people outside your husbands unit if you think people will talk (they won't)

He's acting like a singley that lives on camp, you need to address that with him as it's not normal for a married man, soldier or not

@Flowersandbubblegum he should be making money when he goes away with LSA, we get about £2000 per 4 month deployment (extra) with LSA and CILOCT refund, then on top of that with his food being paid for so us saving on fuel and food. It's the only way we can mentally justify the deployments, we usually put it towards a special holiday when he's home.

If you think underneath it all he's a good man and the relationship can be salvaged you can access Relate marriage counselling via the army, and he can go into the block for space whilst you're working on it, but when someone is that inherently selfish it's hard to imagine they can change, there are too many of them in the military sadly. It tends to be the ones who sign up late in our experience, they revert to boyhood, if your husband has been in since his 20s and just hasn't grown up it suggests it's more embedded in him as a person. Has he progressed much at all? You'd think with progression he'd spend less time with the youngsters.