Am I expecting too much from my soldier husband

Genuine question - what is the point of you loving on the base and moving around with him?
Sounds like you could do everything you are already doing, from a home near your friends and family.

I do wonder how his friends treat him , they must all be single because if I think back to our days in the armed forces , he wouldn't have got across our door no way ,

I was a military wife for 27yrs, I’m still a wife DH has retired, he’d have never behaved like that otherwise he’d have been shown the door. DS1 is serving, too. He doesn’t behave like that either. He’s responsible for blokes who do and it gets on his wick. The problem is until that sort of behaviour and culture is frowned upon in the forces, especially the army, it will never change and it’s the wives, girlfriends and families who suffer.

He sounds like a complete PITA and you deserve better. You need to weigh up what you want out of life. Can you do another 20 years of this? Him treating you like shit, while you work your fingers to the bone and his pisses money up the wall? Your children won’t respect him and I can’t blame them.

You need a plan OP because this isn't and is never going to work. Could you move closer to family and rent?

My husband is in the Navy and he's nothing like this. He works in a stressful job 7-7 and weekend commutes so he's only home Friday tea time to Sunday tea time but he's still far more present in our lives!

You live in subsidised military housing, you have 2 jobs, he has loads of debt.

What is he spending his money on???

Booze? gambling? Not on his kids by the sound of it. Sounds like a keeper....

Oh dear, OP. He is indeed a waste of space.
Someone said he’d be like this whatever job he was in, and I’d tend to agree. Life for most of the armed forces when not deployed is very stable. Pretty much 9-5 with sports afternoons, often early stand down on Fridays. Yes- on deployment it’s tough, but a decent husband and father would be checking in every chance he got.
I wouldn’t stay with him. Not least for all of the things you’ve said, suggesting you live very separate lives anyway, but if I’m being totally honest given everything you’ve described I would be very shocked if he’s been faithful to you throughout your relationship. He just sounds like a massive f-boy to be frank.

@Flowersandbubblegum what really shines through from your posts is your grief for a friend, a partner. The fact that he's not sharing his life with you and not communicating. I understand, it's a hard enough life as it is and if they are not grateful or giving anything.

Oh how ridiculous he is, what a waste of space and (your!) time. He brings fuck all to the table and he treats you with no respect, you deserve better, there’s so much more out there.

Stop being his family with benefit. He presents this image to the world at your and your children’s expense.

Don’t do it anymore, leave him.

They bought a house and I literally couldn't understand why because living on base was fraction of their new mortgage.

Because you can't have an MQ forever and the later you leave buying the more prices go up, I've seen so many military couples squander their cheap rent and then when they come to leave are having to buy a "first step" house aged 40+, or worse, rent. We made sure we got on the ladder asap to start building equity and ensure we could buy a family sized home. We could still be living in a good sized 3 bed for £200 a month but it's not a good long term plan!

He need to up his game. Sounds like a total waste of space. Also, how is he skint???? I'd love a break down of your income and expenses because I know when my friend and her husband lived on base it was literally dirt cheap! They bought a house and I literally couldn't understand why because living on base was fraction of their new mortgage.

I was married to a “Naval aviator.”
I knew many other wives and pilots — and most, if not all, were dedicated family men.
Mine, however, was not.
It isn’t the soldier life and it isn’t the atmosphere they’re in.
It’s the individual person, @Flowersandbubblegum and I doubt your husband’s behaviour will improve — it might, but seeing as how he’s a husband and a father and he still behaves like this, I don’t have high hopes.
I wish you the best of luck — and certainly better luck than I had.
It’s up to you to decide how long you’re prepared to tolerate your husband’s behaviour.

The extra money is supposed to help with the expense of having the soldier be away. It’s not beer money. From a policymaker perspective, that money would be going to offset the increased household expenses.

it’s well acknowledged that being a military spouse and a military family is difficult and can cause expense. The pay structure and general family provision try to consider that. It doesn’t always succeed adequately, but it tries.

He is trying to live a barracks lifestyle even though he got married and moved into family housing.

when he is deployed or on assignment, he is going to slip into that mentality and that is ok, though he shouldn’t spend money the family can’t afford. When he comes home, he needs to learn to switch back into parent mode

I’ve served in the forces and men like your husband were most definitely not faithful.
His pay is good and there is no way you should be working 2 jobs.

Army wife for nearly 30 years. Agree with PP, you and kids should be the thing that cheers him up. Stop paying off his debts. Start taking more money from him for household expenses. If that's a problem, then it's not a marriage, he's a house mate. When DH came back from exercise, the daft stories were ones of the things I looked forward to.
It really does sound like he sees you as a domestic appliance not a partner.

I clicked YABU because you are to put up with this shit!!!

LTB, you deserve much better than this.

I would try couples' counselling - start with Army Welfare Service as it is offered to your DH under his military contract. Any issues (which I doubt, they are very supportive), also try SSAFA, they have a presence on all military bases.

Bear in mind you can't say for sure that your DH isn't suffering from PTSD or other forms of stress. Life in the military is very hard, people often bury their feelings and don't want to ask for support.

Dont write your relationship off until you've tried to work together with a trained counsellor to improve your communication.

But the OP married her soldier husband. Presumably she knew a bit about life?

Oh look an expert. What OP is experiencing is less about the job and more about the person. My DH is nothing like that, he is a committed and loyal family man. Just because someone is in the military doesn't mean they are a slave to drunken nights, OP probably assumed he would settle down in MQs like most military personnel do when they have families and take the pedal off the drinking. He hasn't. That's the "man" in him, not the soldier. You can be a soldier and a good husband.

Sometimes I think because I'm the default parent I'm being a stick in the mud and I know morale is a big part of his job. I don't want to ruin that.

YOU and your kids should be the morale, as cheesy as that sounds, his family is what should bring his stability and happiness. Being military doesn't change that, sure the occasional social, but you should be the centre of his world, even if he's military. I wouldn't settle for less than that.

In many ways you have to take the job out of the equation and focus on his behaviour towards your life generally.

I'm sad for you Op. This isn't a marriage or any sort of partnership. You are working at two jobs to pay off debts he racked up and he is out boozing away any spare cash he has. He isn't interested in talking to you or spending time with you and the DC, he has completely opted out of this marriage and is acting like a single man. You and your DC deserve so much better than this.

I'm sorry to put it bluntly, but it sounds as if he doesn't want to be married or have the responsibility of being a father. You should make plans to divorce him and you and the DC live your own lives away from the army base. Make sure you claim child maintenance immediately after you separate.

Me too. My dad came out of the RAF when I was 18. He was a great husband and father.

Not expecting too much

Know a few military families and many of the married soldiers have limited their promotions to be more family orientated and present when not deployed.

So you work two jobs because of your husband's debts. You do all the childcare while he's out drinking with twenty somethings so you don't get any money to save from the deployments. (Doesnt he have friends of his own age?) When he is home he is either napping or going out. You're stuck living on a military base. I can't see what you are getting out of this marriage. It's certainly not financial security or companionship or any help with the children. I'd be getting out of this marriage if I were you.