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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need so parenting advice please 🙏

119 replies

Blueberryancakes · 24/05/2024 16:48

Last day of term and I said I’d give my daughter £10 as a treat to spend in the toy shop.
She came out of school and also asked for a cake at the cake
shop and I said ok.

At the toy shop she was upset that I wouldn’t spend £20 on a toy. I explained we only had £10. She chose a toy for £10 all the way home she sulked and cried because it wasn’t the £20 one.

Im really pissed off with how ungrateful she was. So I told her she wasn’t having a cake.

Shes now in her room screaming, stamping her feet and making herself sick

am I in the wrong going back on my word buying her a cake?

OP posts:

Crumpleton · 24/05/2024 17:34

I’ll buy her a cake tomorrow

Then you may as well go and buy it for her now.

Better to sit her down tomorrow and have a chat to see if she understands that her behaviour in the toy shop was a consequence of why she wasn't allowed to have the cake.

Itsmychristmasdress · 24/05/2024 17:33

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:31

How much is the cake? Could you not have compromised no cake but then you can have a £20 toy? The cakes here are minimum £4 a piece.

Do you realise how much 20 pound is? Not everyone has it to spare. Op also said she had spent her pocket money.

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 24/05/2024 17:33

God almighty I feel like I am losing my mind 🤯

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:33

Blueberryancakes · 24/05/2024 17:31

Expressing her emotions? She was being vile because I wouldn’t give her another £10

I had already explained she could save her money and get the bigger toy next week

Show quote history

You did not state this in your OP!

You’re doing a great job. Carry on as you are.

Original poster

Blueberryancakes · 24/05/2024 17:32

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:31

How much is the cake? Could you not have compromised no cake but then you can have a £20 toy? The cakes here are minimum £4 a piece.

Cake is about £1 a piece in our local bakery- 80p for biscuit type one

OP posts:

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 24/05/2024 17:31

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:29

Yes but she was told she could have cake too and yet this was taken away from her for expressing her emotions!

Children are not robots with compliance written into their code they have feelings too!

Edited

Show quote history

It is not acceptable to be given a free gift of £10 and then kick off like Veruca Salt because it is not deemed to be enough.

You are not your kids’ friend. You have to teach them this stuff. You have to teach them that that behaviour is not ok.

Original poster

Blueberryancakes · 24/05/2024 17:31

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:29

Yes but she was told she could have cake too and yet this was taken away from her for expressing her emotions!

Children are not robots with compliance written into their code they have feelings too!

Edited

Show quote history

Expressing her emotions? She was being vile because I wouldn’t give her another £10

I had already explained she could save her money and get the bigger toy next week

OP posts:

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:31

How much is the cake? Could you not have compromised no cake but then you can have a £20 toy? The cakes here are minimum £4 a piece.

maw1681 · 24/05/2024 17:30

I have a 9 year old, she's old enough to understand about money so you did the right thing.
I might have said she could have the £20 toy but no cake and had to help with some sort of chore over the holidays to earn the rest.

Original poster

Blueberryancakes · 24/05/2024 17:30

I just felt like she’s just been so ungrateful- £10 is a lot of money for me and I felt I was doing a nice thing.

To then take her to the cake shop after she was sulking was rewarding her bad behaviour

I’ll buy her a cake tomorrow

OP posts:

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:29

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 24/05/2024 17:28

Nothing to be done?! It’s irrelevant whether the additional £10 was available or not. She was told £10 and she was lucky to have that.

Show quote history

Yes but she was told she could have cake too and yet this was taken away from her for expressing her emotions!

Children are not robots with compliance written into their code they have feelings too!

Itsmychristmasdress · 24/05/2024 17:28

Oh my god excluding SN or neurodiversity a 9 year old can absolutely understand you were having cake. You behaved appallingly and as a consequence now cannot. I would also remove the toy, another day like a rainy day, I would bring it out.

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 24/05/2024 17:28

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:26

If you didn’t have £10 extra spare nothing to be done if she wasn’t willing to compromise and wait til she had £20. The cake is a separate issue.

Nothing to be done?! It’s irrelevant whether the additional £10 was available or not. She was told £10 and she was lucky to have that.

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:26

If you didn’t have £10 extra spare nothing to be done if she wasn’t willing to compromise and wait til she had £20. The cake is a separate issue.

Motnight · 24/05/2024 17:24

RedRobyn2021 · 24/05/2024 17:21

She was disappointed, if you were her how would you feel?

I don't see how taking away the cake and punishing her is at all constructive

You could try empathising and maybe start a list for Christmas/birthday and put the £20 toy on the list

😂

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 24/05/2024 17:23

RedRobyn2021 · 24/05/2024 17:21

She was disappointed, if you were her how would you feel?

I don't see how taking away the cake and punishing her is at all constructive

You could try empathising and maybe start a list for Christmas/birthday and put the £20 toy on the list

I can’t even

RedRobyn2021 · 24/05/2024 17:22

There's some horrible parents on this thread

RedRobyn2021 · 24/05/2024 17:21

She was disappointed, if you were her how would you feel?

I don't see how taking away the cake and punishing her is at all constructive

You could try empathising and maybe start a list for Christmas/birthday and put the £20 toy on the list

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 24/05/2024 17:21

She’s 9. She understands the connection.

PlantPlants · 24/05/2024 17:20

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 24/05/2024 17:10

yeah. Buy the cake and reward the behaviour.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Mum promised cake separately from the toy incident. The promise was not contingent on DD's behaviour. It's about separating the two events. Sure mum could say , "I don't feel like doing this thing that I said I would because I don't like how you behaved" or something similar so that DD understands clearly the connection, but to me that seems overly punitive and unlikely to lead to intrinsically motivated behavioural changes because it breaks down avenues for communication.

A more appropriate consequence to me would be no you. Give another chance at the end of next term. It's directly relevant with clear variety and effect. You don't want this toy and want another one that we can't get? No toy.

Original poster

Blueberryancakes · 24/05/2024 17:19

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:18

If I had the money in the budget I would have negotiated the £10 up-to £20 if she agreed on my terms. Chores, extra learning or something along those lines.

When possible I always try to compromise and use any parenting situation as a learning opportunity.

It really does depend on past behavior and conduct around these issues though.

The cake situation she should feel able to express to you how she feels about the £10 toy instead of the £20 toy and not be reprimanded by withholding the cake. The two things are separate. She’s expressing to you how she feels, yes it maybe ungrateful but she’s 9 and doesn’t yet have the skills to express herself in a way that gets across how upset she is without coming across ungrateful.

Edited

But I didn’t have an extra £10

OP posts:

Fatotter · 24/05/2024 17:18

If I had the money in the budget I would have negotiated the £10 up-to £20 if she agreed on my terms. Chores, extra learning or something along those lines.

When possible I always try to compromise and use any parenting situation as a learning opportunity.

It really does depend on past behavior and conduct around these issues though.

NewName24 · 24/05/2024 17:14

Rickrolypoly · 24/05/2024 16:57

At the time I probably would have said that we have 10 to spend and that is all. She can either pick something for 10 or save the 10 and save up for the other toy. If that was met with resistance I would have just taken her home.
If the sulking and crying only started on the way home I would have returned to the shop and returned the toy.

Same here.

NewName24 · 24/05/2024 17:14

itsmylife7 · 24/05/2024 17:03

Ignore her behavior and why are you calling your husband ?

I assume she sees you as a soft touch parent.

Honestly OP if you don't change this spoilt behavior now , you're never going to manage the teenage years.

She won't be "emotionally damaged" by you saying no to her.

This.

I can't believe you are trying to call your dh, and doubting yourself because your dd is manipulating you.

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 24/05/2024 17:10

PlantPlants · 24/05/2024 17:05

Oh dear.

Going against the grain to say that back on your word about the cake probably escalated the situation unnecessarily. You could have used the situation to reconnect and explain that the agreed limit was £10.
Last day of term is hugely exhausting, and at 9 she's still very much learning how to manage complex emotions.

yeah. Buy the cake and reward the behaviour.

🤦🏻‍♀️

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