Men getting angry with sick wives

The bigger question isn't why women let men get away with being shit. It's why men as a group think it's ok to be shit and exploitative of other people. And what can be done to stop them.

My DH is nothing like this, if anything I am! (I don’t get angry with him really, I’m just less sympathetic.) I had Covid recently and he was really caring and looked after me.

Total opposite to his father, who couldn’t cope with his mum’s cancer diagnosis when DH was little. They split when DH was 4 and he apparently told her that he fell out of love with her when she got ill. Selfish arse. Just couldn’t cope with it. I lost all respect for him when DH told me.

Oh yes. Have seen this in action too with my sister. Her in laws phoning up to see how POOR BIL is coping.

"I didn't sign up for this"

It's as if they haven't read their own wedding vows. I mean, they did actually, almost literally, sign up for this.

I do. My BIL. See it with my own eyes. Horrific.

I remember my ex shouting up the stairs when I was trying to settle my poorly, just started nursery DD “every fucking week she’s ill” & then when I had a (rare) hideous stomach bug, shouted up to ask if I’m coming down as he’s leaving soon for the gym!

I think I decided this day that I was calling time.

This is why ableism matters. A man who sneers at anyone who is less able in any way will not be sympathetic to his wife when she can't wipe her own backside due to illness. He certainly won't see her as entitled to his help.

Good grief. Please stop putting up with this sort of behaviour! My DH is amazing. He supported me through labour when we knew our baby had died. I’ve just supported him through cancer treatment. There is no excuse for anyone to be angry at someone being ill.

Not an illness as such but I have lots of friends who when they've been in the first trimester of pregnancy and are absolutely exhausted, their husbands basically don't believe them. Because they don't look visibly pregnant yet they can't seem to understand that it's exhausting.

@AppleDumplingWithCustard Disgusting. I hope she got rid of him eventually.

I think this is a really good point.

As a former oncology nurse I’ve seen some shockers. The husband who ‘didn’t do illness’ so his poor wife undergoing chemo wasn’t allowed to stay in bed when she felt rough but had to drag herself up and try to throw up in secret or he got angry. The woman whose husband, when she was diagnosed with breast cancer told her ‘I didn’t sign up for this’. I could write a book.

Don't be ridiculous but it is our fault we put up with crap behaviour, it is our fault that we start playing the housekeeper or the P.A Women are our own worst enemy at times, we think it will be alright when we get married or move in together, that the crap behaviour will change because we share an electricity bill.
Men are to blame for their shit behaviour but we fools for putting up with it, for making excuses instead of walking away.

My mum had parkinsons which eventually brought on dementia. My dad looked after her until her dying moment.

However, he was told by many nurses and carers how wonderful he was to be so helpful and loving towards mum and she was obviously well cared for because so many men left their sick wives. Its so heart breaking!

Mine is one of these. I have several conditions that fluctuate a lot. When I'm so ill that I'm bedbound he doesn't come near me, not even to offer me a glass of water. Any food has to be begged for. He didn't even change my bedding when I was so ill I was bedbound for nine months. When I'm in a better phase where I can do things myself suddenly he will bring me cups of tea, cook roast dinners, offer to wash my pj's, etc. It actually is quite bizarre at times. That nine months was the catalyst for me trying to find a way to leave, his anger/shouting was really frightening and I just wanted to die to get away from him.

I've NC for this as very outing.
I became very, very ill around a year into a serious relationship.
We didn't live together, although saw each other all the time, but he offered no care. Absolutely nothing. And I was incredibly sick. He came to hospital once, went out constantly with his mates, never asked about me.
I was probably hard work - I had bad news and needed emotional support - and he gave none. But I also kept most of what I was feeling, the fear, the horror, from him.
Eventually he blindside dumped me - I still don't know why (but I can guess!).
I think it was too overwhelming for him to be in a caregiver role and he wanted fun. It broke my heart though, although probably better to find out sooner. I think he also realised this wasn't an illness which was going away soon, and he didn't want that. Maybe if he had loved me more he would've, but I actually don't think it would've made a difference.

It's well known men are much more likely to leave a wife with cancer (divorce/separation rate of 20%) than women are men (divorce/separation rate of 2%)

www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5AB0C5/

Some men are just really really unpleasant.

Good outcome @Monka .

How interesting that he was SO much worse than you when he was ill.
My DH currently has a cough and some nasal congestion…he isn’t complaining too much, but he’s doing sad eyes and needs lots of tea. I expect he’ll change into the Dressing Gown of Doom later. 😂

My husband was largely apathetic to me when I had the flu a few months into our marriage. Couldn’t even get me a paracetamol or glass of water. Yet he was very caring when I got better so I didn’t say anything about his behaviour. Then he got sick and of course felt much worse than I did. And I treated him exactly how he treated me and each time he wanted some water or paracetamol I told him where it was and how he should help himself as he never helped me when I was ill, so why should he expect anything different? After this he was much more caring and helpful whenever I got ill and I of course was the same to him.

No, that's really not the bigger question, as that's a question that's been asked and answered repeatedly on here. In case you missed it, to summarise. Adult man refuses to do his share of the chores. Woman is unable to force him and therefore has the choice of doing them herself, no one doing them, or leaving him and doing them herself. Many decide one is the least worst option, as the children have to be fed, the home kept hygienic, and his limited support as a second adult in the home and wage earner feels better than being a single parent.
The bigger question is always going to be why do men exploit the situation and treat a person they are supposed to love like a servant, and lack any empathy or care for her when she is ill. Because those are seriously poor traits that decent people wouldn't display to an enemy never mind a life partner.

@Gettingbysomehow Glad you're rid of him and that you kept your house. Can't believe the CF tried to come back!

My ex is one. Married 20 years. He'd fly into a rage if I got sick or couldn't keep up. Dumped me while I was seriously ill in hospital and left.
I wasn't expected to survive. I did survive then he wanted to come back after he'd sent me divorce papers. I told him To get to fuck. He didn't get my house either.

Mine is the opposite. He’s so caring, offers to get me anything I want, does all the childcare - even if it’s a self inflicted hangover!!