To want to continue to go no contact with in-laws?

If they have truly changed then they will understand why you don't want to see them and will respect it. Until they do how can you even consider seeing them?

This is from Reddit but I think it deserves to be posted here for you @donutsforever7 and more importantly for your DH (a boat steadier) to read (if you decide to print it out and leave it for him or ask him to read it). Apologies for the length but it's worth it.

Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Say you will consider it if they send you a letter of apology showing they understand what they did and outlining how their behaviour will change going forwards...

Haven't seen my ils since Jan 2015!! Bliss. Pure bliss. Neither has dh.
Sadly your dh is too enmeshed by them to walk away. You can stay away and reap that stresslessness!!

Your husband is conflict-averse. As a result he will never demand change. He needed to man-up and confront his parents in the moment and correct them. (Like puppy training…) Then they (and you) would know that his loyalty lies with you, and that their rudeness/boundary-pushing/slave-driving would have consequences.

He's fine with them hurting your feelings though, isn't he? I wouldn't give a crap about any of their feelings in this case. He's just as bad as them with his 'they don't mean it'. He's enabling them.

They have never apologised for or even acknowledged the years of disrespectful behaviour towards you. They just want to brush it all under the carpet so they can have their maid back.

You should be immensely proud of yourself for standing up to this bunch of bullies, dh included. Don't let them steal your peace of mind, your time and energy. they are like blood sucking vampires.

Tell dh, no, and don't ask me again, I don't want to hear it anymore. he's trying to wear you down. if he carries on just ignore and don't engage. He needs to know you won't even entertain the idea.

Even if he does feel he owes them something, what he owes them is not you.

Oh thank you mum and dad for educating me, bailing me out, helping me buy a house... Here is my gift to you. Her name is Donuts forever, please feel free to treat her like shit.

Id just tell DH when they're ready to apologise for the way they treated you and the specific things they did wrong you'll meet them. Until then unfortunately it remains a no. If you were to meet up abd they didn't apologise or made jokes or rude comments about it all, I'd just say 'I'm very sorry I need to leave.' And just walk out. Or better yet - 'I was led to expect an apology, if you don't feel able to give one it's absolutely your decision, but it is now my decision to leave.'

It seems like your dh has become the new help and doesn't like it, so wants you back in the position of slave.

"We started of friendly and got on but over time the expectations of what they expected from me and how they spoke to me just made me cut them off after an incident last summer."

As has been said on many threads in the past... when people show you who they really are, believe them.

Time and space to reflect has shown you the truth of your relationship with the in-laws and how negative that was for you. I really wouldn't relent because they will not only treat you as bad as before, but will also likely try to guilt trip you over standing up to them and going non contact . Your husband is only wanting things to be better for him as now he's got to deal with them and their demands now . I don't believe they will have changed at all, they just want control back xxx

Oh i fully hear you re the twats who pile on the op if she hasn't left her husband of 17 years by the second post. I've seen threads where the op has been bullied and called names when all she's asked for is some support and advice.

It's your 'D'H you should be going NC with! What an arsehole!!!!

Although in the interests of fairness, I have to say that you were extremely dramatic re: your uncle. Why on earth did you need to be at the hospital for an Uncle?? I'd be incredibly confused if my DN turned up at the hospital if I'd had surgery and they'd be sent away!

@MinnieGirl.. Sure.

I just think if people want to black date they can?
Unfortunately it can be used as a bit of a stick and throw things off balance.

Well no I wouldn't if they'd treated him that way for a long time and he finally cracked. Except they wouldn't have treated him that way for a long time because if they did I'd be the first standing up for him and going NC if necessary.

YABU. How would you feel if it was the other way round, him and your family? You'd feel irritated, embarrassed and stressed about it. You don't have to love them or see them often, but you married their son and you do have to be polite, for his sake.

Out of interest OP, what was your DH's response when they were demanding your help, pulling up your plants, going through your bins and demanding cards and gifts that they didn't reciprocate.

Let me guess, he told you they didn't mean it/didn't mean it that way.

Did he ever volunteer to do any of the stuff they expected you to do?

Guess two - no.

Cliche alert, you have to make him more worried about your reaction that his parents'.

It matters to me because if she is the same person, it’s nice to get a bit of an update. To see what’s happening and how she’s getting on. I don’t think that’s unreasonable? It wasn’t meant to attack the OP just a query

• To take the heat off him
• to get himself back in the parents' good books
• to get back their service drone
• to get back their potential future carer🌹

It reads to me like your DH has become a flying monkey for them, trying to convince you to resume contact.

I’d have to find out what has changed that he wants you to resume contact with people that trampled on your boundaries.

My first question is 'why is your dh so desperate for you to be back in contact with them'?

Does your husband want you to go back to helping them so they won't expect him to?

Your update makes it clear they have learnt nothing. They now just harrass your DH and he wishes things would go back the way they were.

There's a difference between making up with them so you could take the kids to them at Christmas, or sit on the same table at a wedding, and what your DH seems to want which is you pick up their texts 5 times a day so he doesn't have to.

@Snowfalling apologies.

I just know when I've posted probably a million times about my in laws who have caused me and continue to cause me much suffering, I say under a name if I want people to link my threads.

If I don't do that and post under a new name it's because I don't want people to link the thread.
Obviously not you : but there are some weird nutters on here who want to berate people for not *immediately " following advice from strangers on Internet 🤣🤣and they get nasty and vicious even. " you posted before and we told you blah..
It derailes the thread and causes problems.