Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

Same ex here. It is so hard but know that the court will see straight through his bs.

This is narcissistic abuse and when you take the control away from him he will find another source of supply so expect some shitty comments to your kids and they need calm and reassurance when they come home.

As part of this court process you need to fill out a special form and you need guidance for this.

You need to act soon. I wouldn’t start withholding the kids etc like suggested. Stop communicating with him and start the process.

This.

I base this on working years in family law and seeing broken families around me.

Children from broken families do miss out. They may not all miss out on horse riding lessons but there are very real impacts on children when their parents break up.

You disagree because your children aren’t missing out on anything?

They are missing out on things though. But please tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself feel better.

Isn't this the answer. Keep them at the weekend. Make him fight for contact, get it awarded fairer to you and the boys.

This.

This is the type of help you need. I wish I knew of a public body or charity that could advise you, he sounds a horrible person to have to deal with.
Very best of luck.

That’s not quite true, is it? Good parents care for their kids, and support their lives, including the hobbies they love if they don’t have very good reasons not to, they don’t tell them what a pathetic activity it is. They take them to birthday parties without snarling at their ex for not having bought them a present to take. And if they don’t, when the kids are old enough they vote with their feet and stay away from their lazy parent who doesn’t actually love them. Love is an action.

this question is about the kids. The way you phrase it is like mum says why don’t you take them to brunch at my favorite cafe on the weekends, I would. the op needs to just stop letting them go every other weekend. If she drops them don’t take them, if he collects don’t be there. So she can support her kids to do the things they love.

Given its not court ordered I would be tempted to say he can have either every other weekend or he can just have Sundays. This would not impact your taking them Saturday and not take away from his time.i would offer a couple days after school as an alternative and when he refuses that a court will be in you favour. You offered an alternative so you both get quality time and some of the responsibility of maintaining routine if he refuses to have them in the week it's on him. How does he think a court will give him sole custody if he refuses to see his kids in the week because he works? Does he expect to be a stay at home single non working father? Only I he plans to keep his job sole custody would mean having kids after work.

Bang on the money

Please don't give up their lessons. They clearly absolutely love it.

Riding lessons were one of the few things my parents were able to give me as child - and it has stuck with me for life.

I had a 10 year break as an adult, and was able to get straight back into it as if I'd never been gone, as a result of learning to ride as child. Bit ashamed to admit it but the first time back on that horse after that decade break, I cried as I was cantering about. I was so happy/was overwhelmed how much I had missed it - it'd been such a massive part of my life.

When you adore a hobby such as this, it gives you peace and focus like nothing else. It sounds like this is exactly what it gives your boys.

I'm so sorry about their dad - what an awful man. I don't understand not supporting their hobbies - much less, giving you such an evil nasty time of it because you are supporting them.

I am usually totally against blocking contact (except in extremes). But honestly, from your posts, I'd be considering it. His outlook on his children, and your role as their mother, is totally wrong. Added onto this, the fact they aren't even happy going to stay with him.

The point is that neither parent should dictate what happens on the other parents time. It is not their choice.

If there is an issue with contact, as there clearly is here, that needs to be sorted, but it is seperate to the fact that dad does not get to tell mum what to do and where to take the kids when she has them, just like mum doesn’t get to do the same with dad.

It's not all what he wants, it's what is needed he needs to do.

So yes I would literally ask him to take you to court so and order can be put in place with a fairer divide. Why should you always do all the parenting and none of the 'fun' ? He needs to learn a lesson and so be it the hard way.toughen up OP and call his bluff.

I'd tell him the new arrangements are he has them Saturday night - school drop off on Tuesday and you will collect from school on Tuesday and have them til Saturday.

This is so that the boys can do hobbies and parties, and both parents can do some school drops off and pick ups.

If he doesn't like the new arrangement he can organise mediation and court.

EOW

Ffs... Get to court...!!

He's grim... Why should he have it all his way?!

Eow and he can do some of the school days... You work too...!!

These men will rarely agree to anything that is slightly inconvenience to them unless a court order is in place...

He sounds awful and unhinged!

He’s a waste of space.

Hes never going to take you to court for full custody if he refuses to have them in the week because he’s been at work. It’s just a threat.

You need to go for every other weekend. You need to spend free time with them and it’s not fair for them to spend their weekends with their dad bored. Get a court order if you have to.

As for the riding unfortunately you can’t control what he does in his time but if you have them EOW you can take them when they are with you.

Hes a shit dad- not letting them do something they love when he has nothing else planned for them, making a big deal about a kids party/ birthday present etc. I’m sure there are many more reasons.

As others have said, you getting no weekend time is really unfair! My DH and his exW have a schedule where they do 7 days in the fortnight each and my DSD gets routine stuff and weekend fun time with both parents. He’s opting out of the challenging aspects then expecting you to do it all his way. Call his bluff - shit excuses for parents like him won’t pay the court fees anyway!

Great OP. Let him threaten to take you to court. Probably he won't, because he is a dick who doesn't actually want to spend any more time with his children. Or he does and you get a much fairer distribution of contact time. Either way you, and your sons, win.

I second what @CharlotteBog says and would like to add that OP doesnt need to confront him or go head to head with him in order to take control of things. There are often ways to quietly disempower & bypass him. Be very businesslike & deadpan, dont show any emotion to him, dont give any information away, etc

Sounds like you need to take him to court so you can get every other weekend with the kids- do it for your kids- they will benefit immensely from it, you need to be brave and stand up for them

I can give you a solicitor recommendation if you need/want one - I'm North East based too & your ex sounds like a carbon copy of my ex.

So sorry you're going through this - it's so hard 💐

Please tell me his is paying maintenance and you have checked though the CMS that it is an accurate amount too... I'd assume he can't do that properly either as it would be another point of control.

Have a great evening with your boys!

yes tell him every other weekend, a court order might be the best in the long run if he tends to be unreasonable.