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Original poster

Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

137 replies

holybaloni · 23/05/2024 23:05

Such a wanky phrase I know. But true.
I love my dh dearly. He's a good man and a good father. But I don't feel like he encourages me to be a better person. He supports me with work and things like that but in our private life he's just dull and has bad habits that rub off on me. He's a big drinker which makes me drink. And I know that sounds weak but I do enjoy drinking and when someone around you does it, you find yourself following their lead. He buys booze for us and I just have it.
He doesn't particularly care about socialising and he is happy to look after the kids while I see friends but I end up feeling guilty about it. We rarely go out as a couple. We have fallen into a rut of a bottle of wine and Netflix.
Mostly we just sit on phones on separate sofas.
I'm not saying that I'd be better off without him but I do feel like without his influence I'd probably create a healthier, more productive routine. And people will say 'well do it anyway' but it's hard to break out of bad habits when the person who you're around 24/7 is happy with the easy, boring option.
On the other hand I have a friend who has gotten into a relationship with a really great guy and they are forever going on hikes and holidays and weekends away. I just feel like that zest for fun has gone with us, granted we have kids and very little childcare but I just need to find a way to break out of the rut.
I don't feel like I've outgrown him but I've definitely outgrown this depressing lifestyle.

OP posts:
SherrieElmer · 24/05/2024 00:00

What a cowardly attitude. You and only you are responsible for your actions. So stop blaming your husband, who may or many not his own issues, pull the finger out and address whatever issues that need addressing.

NachoChip · 23/05/2024 23:25

You've mentioned he doesn't like socialising, but have you suggested things like walks, trips etc? Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It might be that there is some balance where you spend some time chilling with wine and netflix but you agree that maybe one weekend a month you'll do more active things and start from there. It might also be worth asking him if there's a reason why he doesn't feel inspired to do things - does he work long hours or have a tiring job, or does he lack in self esteem hence not wanting to socialise? It sounds like you love him, you just need to insert a bit of energy into things, perhaps give it a try? If he cares about your feelings, I hope he'll make some effort for you and it'll grow from there. Let us know how it goes!

grinandslothit · 23/05/2024 23:24

If he's always been a dull heavy drinking couch potato, he's not going to change

MeinKraft · 23/05/2024 23:21

Sort out your own life if you're bored.

xsquared · 23/05/2024 23:19

Do you inspire him to be his best self? It works both ways.

It seems you're blaming him for not being adventurous, but he's helping you with the childcare so that you can do what you want.

You have that freedom to be adventurous and go on a hike either by yourself or with a fell walking group, while he looks after the children.

SpringerFall · 23/05/2024 23:15

I think if you need someone for something then you have lost already, sure it is nice to do joint things but we are each own person no one is responsible for another adult, children yes of course

Dustpantsandbush · 23/05/2024 23:15

This is a you problem. It’s not his responsibility to make you your best self. He’s happy the way he is but you’re not happy with the way you are, that’s up to you to fix.

Cofaki · 23/05/2024 23:13

I hear you.
My DH is also very dull with no get up and go.
I do things anyway but it means we are very separate and I'm acutely aware how mismatched we have become because he is happy to stagnate and I want to constantly improve and challenge myself. Plus we have no shared interests.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 23/05/2024 23:11

I don't think you're taking enough responsibility for yourself.

You don't have to drink just because he is (and yes I know it makes it harder), and you don't have to stay home just because he wants to, you can arrange your own social life.

It all depends on how much you want to change.

HappyAutumnFields · 23/05/2024 23:10

If you really can’t do things that are interesting, healthy etc without someone requiring you to, clearly you need to end your marriage and seek out a teetotal, sociable health freak who will inspire you to be your best self.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 23/05/2024 23:09

It's not his fault! Don't want to drink, don't, want to socialise do it, you can't together much, you've not got childcare, at least he's fine with you going off and doing whatever and he's not golfing/cycling/insert boring hobby here for 16 hours every weekend
If your life is boring it's not for anyone else to make it different, that's on you

unlikelychump · 23/05/2024 23:06

I hear you.