Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

Have you had a proper discussion with him about what you'd want to be doing? I can well imagine you've both slipped into these habits together. I.e., if whenever he buys drinks you drink them with him, he's going to think you also enjoy drinking. If he's having a laze around and you always join him, he is going think you're happy lazing around.

Maybe you just need to be leading by example so he can be his best self?

Also if your husband is perfectly happy with your situation/ relationship, why would he initiate any kind of change? He probably doesn't even know that you are unhappy. You really do need to take ownership, OP.

If this isn't the life you want then it's not your husband's responsibility to change it, especially if he is perfectly happy with it. It's up to you.

Do you actually want to be hiking in your free time (in which case just get out there and do it!) or is the real issue that you want want your DH to be more proactive, plan some activities and invest more effort in the relationship? It sounds like you've both stopped making an effort and are drifting and that is something you should address.

I do get it OP, but I also agree with those saying it's important to look at your own part in it.

You can do all the things you want to do yourself. It's all within your power.

It sounds like seeing your friend's new relationship is making you reflect on your own, but you can't really compare.

For one thing, that relationship is still in the new exciting phase, whereas presumably you've been with your husband a few years at least - it's not the same and they may well fall into similar patterns as you in a few years time. It's normal and happens to the best of us.

If you want to make a change, you can't expect your husband to do it for you - you need to initiate it yourself. No one else is going to 'make you your best self'. You need to do that yourself.

"I't isn't my fault, a big boy made me do it"
No, lovey, this is all down to you. No-one is responsible for making you your best/worst/mediocre self
No-one is responsible for your career, salary, teeth, personality, nor are others to be blamed for your own fecklessness.
Your poor husband.; he probably things you have a great relationship. Little does he know how much disdain you have for him.

Why is it his fault and not your own?

Do something about it!

Have you thought about how you can be an influence on him?

Not that my relationship is perfect, but we know when to be strong willed and when to compromise. For instance I had gestational diabetes and something that changed was eating wholemeal - especially brown rice. We make lots of rice based dishes. I decided to keep the brown rice in my diet, he hated the idea. So I said I will buy my own rice, and make brown. If you want white you will have to make it yourself. Now he will have brown rice. If he happens to cook white rice, I’ll still have it but he is less fussy about it now.

You could maybe go for a walk in your own, and have that as a routine, then eventually ask him to join. Or maybe you could have a family trip once a month - it could be a museum or farm or something. It’s difficult with children but focus on one task that you can do as a routine and stick to it whilst bribing the family along eventually.

This! Stop blaming other people for your choices and make things happen for yourself.

You are really not taking enough responsibility for your own life here. It's easy to blame DH and that you're being led along but the truth is, it's easier for you this way.

End your marriage or don't but you'll always end up with yourself and it's unlikely you'll be a picture of health.

I see your wanky 'best self' phrase and I raise you, 'be the change you want to see'.

@holybaloni you are responsible for yourself and the choices you make.

Yeah you'll get a load of "take responsibility blah blah blah" - but there's a saying, if you want to change yourself, change your environment.

Nice and easy, when dissatisfied with life, to look at the "reason" you're not happy enough as being your partner. That can be easily changed, by getting rid of them. Or you can avoid change, by not getting rid of them and just blaming them (as you are currently doing).

The alternative, which is much harder, is to acknowledge that you're responsible for yourself. No one makes you drink, you choose to. It actually isn't that difficult to stop drinking if you want to - and I speak as someone who drank heavily, daily, for years. It was also a feature of my marriage, like yours. In the end I got sick and tired of thinking about it all the time, promising myself I wouldn't and then letting myself down, the money I was spending, the health concerns. I just stopped. And to make sure I stayed stopped, I got a sober coach. Which costs, yes, but doesn't cost more than I was spending on alcohol at the time.

Not drinking will change your life and give you the energy to address the other things you're unhappy with.

Stop blaming your hapless DH and look at your own behaviour.

You do not need DH to be the best version of yourself
You need to work on self reliance and look
Into what's around you ?
Gym, swimming , martial arts Rock choir
Take yourself off to the nearest town and buy a new lipstick
Anything that reignites your interest in like
DH may well be interested enough to join you

You are the only person that can please yourself

Making life changes and breaking habits (especially comfortable ones) is very very hard, and takes a long time. If you want too however pick achievable things that are small- because ultimately its the consistency that pays off.

Find a pub quiz team, a singing group, knitting/sewing.. something that you will have to interact with other outside your circle.

Sounds like the real problem is your anxiety and lack of self-control/self-motivation.

Oh come on, it's not his job to "make you your best self", stop blaming him because you like to sit on your bum drinking wine and watching netflix!

I say this as someone who can happily remain sofa bound all weekend eating takis and demolishing wine - either own it or do something about it, don't push the blame onto someone else who is clearly quite content to live how he pleases.

Find your best self on your own. For god's sake I thought we'd stopped allowing the men in our lives to define who we are?

Also, how old are your kids? Surely there's some little adventures you could go on with them, and they can bring the excitement!

I agree with the others, start being the good influence on the relationship and hopefully it will drag both of you out of the rut. Don't lose a good man over this.

You don't need a new partner to persuade you to go on hikes, join a walking group or go with a friend, or google some family friendly hikes and all go together. I think you do need some good outside nudges, but try to create those through friendships, podcasts, a gym class, instagram - whatever you find motivating.

He's a useless arse. But you're using that as a excuse for you to be a useless arse. Get some gumption and dig yourself out of your rut. Create your own healthier, more productive routine. You're choosing to sit and fester and while your life away because that's what the person sitting on the opposite sofa does?

I can understand you asking for help in how to motivate yourself out of your rut. But to blame OH....Nah. Fuck that shit. If nothing else your post has made me feel very proud of my own life and who I am.

You’d probably be equally pissed off with him if you fancied a lazy night in and a glass of wine and he was being disapproving because you weren’t going to the gym and then coming home to a lovely protein shake.

There’s somewhere in between never going out together and expecting him to motivate you to become the amazing creature you can’t or won’t motivate yourself to be.

Small steps. Choose one thing you’d like to change and then make it happen. In 6 months’ time, do another. Be tenacious and assertive and independent.

Sounds like you need to sort your own shit out

What do you do to make him his best self?

When's the last time you arranged a hike or adventure?

If he's happy with the "easy, boring option" and you're not why is it on him to make changes?

What do you do to make him his best self and support him to be a better person?

I also know people and relationships are different, but it sounds like the sort of things you want him to do are things that others would call controlling in a husband. So he might not even dare suggest you cut out the wine, go to the gym, or leave the house for a hobby.

Oh boy… I’m sure what I really want to say would get my post moderated… So I’ll stick with this.

You’re a grown ass woman with agency. Any of your shortcomings is in your own head. Take some responsibility and make yourself the better person.