Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

Weirdly, it doesn't seem like he's being influenced by your behaviours, he's doing what he wants, what makes him happy.

You're the one who's not happy, you're the one who needs to change your behaviours. If you want to get out and do stuff, then get out and do stuff. If you want to stop drinking and be healthier, then stop drinking and be healthier. Stop using your husband as an excuse to be lazy yourself.

And yes, maybe that means that you grow apart, but that sometimes happens with couples, and you deal with it when you need to.

Your husband is not responsible for your happiness. Noone is but you. Take control.

I suppose the point is though, BOTH people in a relationship are capable of being “the current”. It’s not the case that one person sets the current and the other just has to wait to be pushed, you can reverse that and start subtly pushing back.

External motivation only goes so far and relying on someone else to change your habits is rarely going to work in the long term. After all, these are your habits too not just your husbands. You need to find your intrinsic motivation to make changes for yourself, you might even start to motivate your husband to make some positive changes once you aren't enabling the bad habits. Could you start with an open conversation with your husband around some healthy changes you could both make as a team?

People are being very harsh. I have a husband like this, and it's like swimming against a current. You know you should make headway on your own, but it's harder because you're being subtly pushed in the other direction.

Sounds like you and your dh have lived life a certain way. Now you are seeing your friend in a new relationship and it’s new, exciting and different to yours and you are a bit jealous.

And instead of looking at ways you can improve your life, you are placing the blame at his door. You are at the point where you feel in a rut. But instead of doing something you expect him to also want to change, because you now do.

You are in the mindset that you want to change. He isn’t. He is doing what’s been the status quo. You want change so it’s your job to lead on it. Which includes talking to him to about what you feel is missing and find a way to make you both happy.

You can’t expect him to just magically know you want to change things up and know exactly how you want to.

and you might be married but you aren’t the same person. Changing it up may not look the same to him as it does to you.

Always good to have a scapegoat for your short comings to look across at and think "if it wasn't for you, I'd have written that novel"

@holybaloni I know what you mean about being influenced by the behaviour of the person you spend all of your time with, but the reality is that works both ways, both of you have the power to be that “better” influence- not just him.

If you want to start living a healthier lifestyle, less alcohol, eating better, hiking, exercise etc, do that! As you’ve said yourself, most people are influenced by the person they spend most of their time with, so you can be that influence rather than waiting for him to mind read and be that influence. You may find that actually if you stop drinking/eat better/start exercising more then he takes your lead and then you can encourage each other on.

I'd take this advice and see what happens.

Just that small matter about having kids and dissolving their home life with both parents because you got bored of your dh doing exactly what you've been doing.

You can't blame him for your inaction. Go and do what you want. Marriage should not mean doing everything together or relying on the other person to be happy with life and yourself. You're still individuals.

I don’t agree, I would be seriously upset and miserable if this was my marriage! It sounds joyless. You may as well be single if you have to plan a whole other life without him.

My first husband didn't drink too much, had a healthy lifestyle, and so did I, but I wasn't my best self, I realised later that he needed me to be 'less' than him. My second husband drank too much, and smoked for the first 5 years of our relationship, but he was so proud of me, and my achievements, and encouraged me to do things I was nervous about. He really did help me towards being my best self, and I hope I helped and supported him to reach his best, before he died. However being your best doesn't always start with giving up drinking and lazing around. Doing something that interests you, and that you enjoy would be a start.

You haven't outgrown him until you're making different choices. What if he thinking the same about you?

OP I get it - this could be me 18 months ago. My DH - great guy, but relaxes by sitting on the sofa, watching Netflix and drinking wine. Trips out would be (in my mind a great walk on the beach), but the reality would be 10 minutes walking and then we would have to stop for lunch, or a coffee, or the loo. I reached utter boredom point, couldn't believe this was it and then realised it wasn't. I decided to start doing things for me and stop waiting for him to suggest something.

I love art, but have never done it in my life so I bought some very basic watercolours, put on a YouTube video and gave it a go one weekend, and then started doing it in the evenings too. I arranged to stay with a girlfriend for a weekend at hers. We went to art museums, went out for dinner etc and had huge fun. Gradually DH saw that I was getting on with life, and to a certain extent he was being left behind. He now makes suggestions on activities for us and actively plans and participates. Last weekend was to a stately home and park - we had a great time critiquing admiring the decor and furniture and strolling the grounds. I started looking at something for this weekend, and he's now taken over to finalise our plans (hiking in a nature reserve).

I'd say your DP needs to see you doing stuff. To visually remind him that there's more to life than watching movies of other people doing stuff - it can be him too. Take encouragement from the fact that you've actually realised life is slipping away and that you know you need change. Now take the next step and organise something for you - invite him if you want, but if he doesn't want to come then you go anyway. And keep going. At the very least it will move you towards the person you want to be.

Do you go out together with the DCs at the weekend - I would start with that, a walk,swimming,cinema if old enough.
I think if you break the mould so that you are more active it will be easier to take yourself out to whatever -especially on lovely summer evenings.

I think that what the poster is saying is that they’re a couple, she would like a happy married life, doing things as a couple and as a family. Not just going about her life doing stuff away from the family as if she’s 25 again. I absolutely get what you’re saying and hope life will get better for you. You need to talk openly and respectfully about what you want and how you can see that things have slipped in your marriage. Talk it through as much as you can. You have a husband and partner- he needs to see that your wants are as important a deal as his are. You have both gone into a malaise, but you can make changes. Getting out of the house, and doing anything together, is key - try that one first and the very best of luck.

I do see what you're saying as my DH is content to sit at home everyday and I prefer to be out and about from time to time. I still go for long walks with the dogs but it can sometimes feel lonely and sometimes a bit frustrating. I don't feel like I need to be with my partner every minute of the day, but there is something refreshing about doing something outside your usual routine together.

I would probably start by asking him not to buy you wine sometimes, then have an activity planned for the next day. Like a hike with a friend or something which isn't fun when you're a bit hungover. Cutting back on the booze, eating better and getting outside can be really helpful in breaking the cycle of feeling stuck in a rut.

Have you actually sat down and had a clear to the point conversation about what you’re unhappy with and what you want to change?

That’s your first step. You can’t blame him if he doesn’t know you actually want change.

You need to be clear that you want less alcohol in the house, that you want to go out on date nights and have quality time, that you want to go on family walks on the weekend etc.

If you ask and then he doesn’t change, you have a problem but until that point you are just as much of an issue.

Because you are putting the blame on him. Go out and do stuff without him.

Doing things as a couple is harder when your children are young, but they won't stay that way for long. When they're older, you'll have plenty to of opportunities.

Suggest something to do with your dh, just you and him and find a baby sitter.

@saltinesandcoffeecups You’re a grown ass woman with agency. Any of your shortcomings is in your own head. Take some responsibility and make yourself the better person.

This ^ x 100

You're right, maybe being around someone 24/7 who relies on others for the motivation has made him lose his too?

Exactly this. You’re a perfect match. You just wish you weren’t.

If he's always been this way, it sounds more like you're beginning to outgrow him rather than he's holding you back.