Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

I give up on here I really do lol I get it completely OP I left my ex husband because he was sucking the life out of me and I had zero motivation to do anything and he was happy to sit there because he was alright and unless you have been stuck in that situation its not as easy as just "pulling yourself together and making all the changes" despite what some other posters are saying. My next relationship was so so different and he always wanted me to be a better version of myself and encouraged me to try new things and he actually gave a shit about me and wanted me to be happy and it felt like a completely equal relationship and it made me realise that a relationship is about helping each other grow together and I will always love him for that. We got engaged on the 13th February this year and I have never been happier but he unfortunately died on the 28th February which was completely unexpected and of course I'm devastated but I don't regret any of it and he has made me a better person. Just to add that of course it was up to me to change it and I did by leaving the person that took all of my motivation (before anyone starts with telling me it wasn't up to my ex husband to sort my life out lol) it's not impossible to change yourself but it's easier said than done while you are stuck where you are

It is hard but he probably won't change. There are a lot of people like this, including my dh. Dh has his good points and bad points, he's generous, supportive, encouraging, hands on but he just doesn't get my love for going out and getting more out of life. I'll organise something and I can tell he doesn't want to go. He will and even in holidays, it'll take him a couple of days to wind down and start embracing it.

If your dh enjoys it if he is out then you may have to accept that you have different roles when it comes to this and just enjoy it for what it is.

I haven't insulted you I've just pointed out that you are in control of your own life and you can change it. If you are reading that as an insult then you don't want to, which is your choice. Not your husband's.

Maybe he’s influenced by you. It’s not like you’re doing anything different. And maybe you’re together as you’re both the same.

lol, you seriously blame your husband for your own choices and desire to drink and watch telly? As you’re envious of a friend. You can do all the stuff you wish, you don’t as you can’t be arsed. It’s not his fault,it’s yours.

Your defensive, responses with no self reflection are giving the impression that you are not someone who takes responsibility for yourself and instead projects your issues on to others. If you work in this I promise your life will improve. If you don't you will stay in the same situation.

If you want your life to be different you need to do something different instead of waiting for others to change.

It is entirely to you what you decide to do though.

Stop staring at him expecting him to do all the work of making you a better person.

You're an adult - act like one. It's your job not his.

Buy something non alcoholic and have that with him instead. Tell him you're cutting down for your health and well being. Your choice.

Think up something you'd like to do and arrange that. Invite him. He says no? Go with friends.

Ask him what he'd love to do and ask him to arrange that. He doesn't? See previous point.

You're an individual - stop being passive aggressive and get assertive.

And stop being snippy with people who've done you the courtesy of answering your question with their opinion. YABU.

ChooChoo makes valid points. And you posted in AIBU so don't be surprised if some of us think Yabu.

As others have said, you're equally sitting around on your phone, not living your best life. You admit that it's hard to find the motivation. So, your DH may feel the same about you and the marriage.

Has it occurred to you that your husband could very easily have written almost the exact same post?

Do something he enjoys alone and give him FOMO!

It sounds like you are the bad influence and perhaps you don’t make your husband the best version of himself.

Perhaps focus on yourself and stop blaming everyone else for your faults and take some responsibility for yourself.

Maybe if you sort yourself out, then your DH can finally be the best version of himself.

Op why not post here what you have done towards a change each day? I’m sensing you might be the type ( I am) to enjoy a collaborative approach, which is maybe what you feel he is not providing.

Individuals aside, someone needs to find their marriage rewarding and enjoyable in order to feel happy and want to remain within it.

What would your DH say if you spoke to him and said you'd like to come up with some healthier routines and do more and is he on board and could he make some suggestions? Maybe he feels similar or there are things he'd like to change?

I have the same to some extent with DP (although partly because he works so much so needs downtime when he's at home) and I totally get it's hard to break out of routines (especially drinking) even when you are by yourself. If you have another person very wedded to the routine, it's very very hard.

Can you make small changes gradually? The Kindness Method book is really good for making gentle changes with an emphasis on being kind to yourself and has helped me a little although I need to revisit it!

… and who sounds horrific to be around,

At least you’re DH isn’t harassing you about your lifestyle. The ability to do something about it is there and it lies with you. It seems to me that a reasonable rephrasing of your post might be “ should I leave my DH because I lack motivation to live the way I want to?” He doesn’t sound as though he’s stopping you. I know a bit of solidarity can help; but I’d rather the motivation came from me not a DH nagging/shaming/ bossing me into it.

Kindly, I think you’re blaming him to let yourself off the hook.

My husband is a bit like this and older than me too so a double whammy! He does like fishing though which I don’t like. I was feeling a bit meh about life and lacked confidence so started to force myself to say yes to more things, I’ve ended up in a couple of weekly fitness groups and doing some volunteering work, I’m on a committee and help out at sporting events, I’m now really busy! I feel 100% better and my husband is bemused by my flurry of activity but generally supportive as long as he’s not expected to do anything! We got a campervan, my son and I go off hiking up a mountain, my husband has a wander round lower levels, maybe takes a grandad nap and cooks something nice for our return when we are hungry and tired, everyone is happy and has something to talk about.

I agree, it’s difficult to change your life without changing your environment/husband.

In terms of changing husbands, do remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. Frying pan into the fire situations exist, too, be careful of that and midlife crisis ideas.

I opened this thinking it would be about arguments or something.

He is not responsible for your life being boring. I can relate to this, still. But it's a you problem. You do what you want to do. Don't rely on him to be your everything.

If you love socialising then it shouldn't really be a problem for you to go out with friends or start a new hobby. Plan something nice and take the initiative yourself, come on!

imagine you are not together- what would you be doing differently when you are stuck at home with your kids of an evening? How would you feel if he met someone else and your kids have another home and step mum?
I think the thing is life can get monotonous and boring when you have young kids. You’re in control- you need to think about what you want and what you want to do. Obviously it’s hard to go out together but try and do something with friends regularly. Life is what you make it.

Good answer

I hear you, too. It’s very hard to motivate yourself in those circumstances - and when you’re tired and overworked. I do understand. Maybe try for one small change first. Just one evening where you sign up for a walking group or some such thing. You might find it inspires you.