Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

What is it that keeps you in? There must be something.

I do understand your point OP, living with someone their behaviour does affect you, and can drag you down. If your DH is a nice person with the flaw of being a bit slothful I wouldn't break up over that especially if you have kids. It really comes down to if you get on and he is good to you, I don't think you should stay with someone who isn't nice to be around or takes advantage of you. If he pulls his weight with household chores and contributes to the family income and so on but is just lazy and a bit dull when it comes to leisure time then I think you could work with that.
Firstly it sounds like he is happy to stay home with the kids while you go out which gives you the opportunity to do some kind of hobby, join a club or class, great for being your best self. Don't feel guilty as this is making life better for both of you rather than you starting to resent him. If you go to something organised like a class it will give you that motivation that you don't get from him.

The other thing I could suggest is having some kind of routine for doing things together that are a bit more active than Netflix and wine. If it's something regular he may get used to it and start to like it and it will be less effort for you in planning compared to doing something spontaneous. I would try to make it something fairly chilled so its not too much for him, but still a step up from the sofa. Maybe you could go out to dinner once a week and have a couple of regular places you choose from, Sunday afternoon could be set aside to do something a bit more active such as if nice weather a shortish country walk, if rainy a browse round the bookshops and a coffee. Once thats a routine you could add in a bit of a longer walk sometimes or something like that. Fitting round any activities the kids do, of course.

Is he disabled or perhaps suffering from learning difficulties?

@PremiumListing what the fuck?? Where did you pluck these thoughts from?

@PremiumListing none of those! I honestly wouldn’t remember what he’s like in bed, haven’t shared a room for many years!
He does have health conditions (as do I), he’s just like his father unfortunately.
I’m content doing my own thing, I have enough money to be reasonably comfortable, and I love my house and garden.

Is he disabled or perhaps suffering from learning difficulties?

If you are his carer and pay all the bills, what is his contribution?

Sounds like a classic cocklodging situation, he must be incredible in bed with a penis made of gold glazed with diamonds.

I stopped expecting much from DH years ago, he’s perfectly content doing very little (and nothing that includes me) so I do my own thing and am much happier for it.
I will no longer do all the work for going on holiday unless it’s just me going. He was so bloody miserable when we were away last year I nearly killed him!
I have got myself a dog, we go out everyday and she’s far better company.
Maybe I should have left years ago but it’s me who’s been the main breadwinner, me who’s bought virtually everything in the house and me who does housework, gardening etc

Doing things alone definitely beats sitting at home drinking and watching Netflix, when that's not what you want to do.

You'll get experiences that you would otherwise miss out on if you refuse to go because friends or partners don't want to join.

Life is for living, don't waste it because you don't want to do things on your own.

I think people are being a bit unfair to you, OP. Marriage is meant to be about companionship and living a shared life. Of course you don't want to be too clingy and stifle each other, but it's not a shared life if you always have to look for personal fulfilment and that 'spark' in personal relationships (and I'm not talking about this in a sexual sense, more those friendships and human interactions that energise you and leave you refreshed) outside your marriage. If you just go and do your own exciting thing, and he stays at home and does his boring thing, eventually you'll just be housemates who share your children.

This in spades instead of sitting on here complaining that your husband isn’t making you your best self try making yourself your best self if you want to go out for a walk then do it or find a bunch of like minded people to go for a walk with if your dh is happy to take care of the kids while you go out. Ask yourself this what is holding YOU back from doing the things that will make you happy because I can guarantee it’s not your DH it’s you. You know you don’t need your DH to be your cheerleader be your own cheerleader so put down the glass of wine and get out for some fresh air while we have the lighter nights. I do get what you mean my DH is the exact same just without the drinking we go on once a month cinema dates that are all planned by me our holidays are all planned and paid for by me I would love it if my DH one day surprised me by planing a date night or a mini break but I know that’s not something he will do but he does little things for me in his own way so I can accept him never planning anything that’s just the way he is.

Mumsnet regularly has posts about people feeling lonely. If it was as much fun to do stuff alone eg walks, theatre , pub. Then no one would be lonely - it’s more usual to do stuff with a companion- not necessarily all the time but I think posts are a bit disingenuous implying everyone can happily go it alone.

While I don’t think anyone should be held responsible for a spouse/partner not being ‘the best version of themselves’, DH has certainly contributed to me living a bigger, braver version of the life I would have been capable of without his support. We’re both WC kids who were the first in our families to stay at school past 15, far less go to university, and we met as students and supported and challenged one another into having lives we could never have imagined.

My dh bring out the best in me, it’s a 100% possible and normal in my circles.

I do not know one woman whose partner makes them 'the best version of themselves.' One definitely encourages my friend to drink more alcohol and more often than she would otherwise (and also burp in company), one makes her feel bad about her completely normal spending habits, others have less time / inclination for hobbies / seeing friends so I don't count being more insular as a 'better version' either.

Relationships are all about compromise.

Its ok if his idea of fun is staying in and watching TV and drinking and it’s ok if yours is going out and exploring new places etc.

But you both need to have some time doing what the other person wants.

I would suggest speaking to him and saying once a fortnight you want to do something that you want to do as a couple.
And then the alternate weekends he can choose what you do as a couple.

Unfortunately though, you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to and it may be a case of you deciding whether you’re happy just doing these things alone/with friends and staying in the relationship or whether you want to find a partner who is more like you are now.

I always wonder how couples can get together at a young age and stay together for years because we all grow and change so much.

It may be that you’ve both simply grown apart.

It would be nice for him to suggest things and plan things. That's all I'm saying.

I really do understand this. It can be very frustrating always having to be the organiser.

However, I think your frustration at this is leading you to treat your husband as someone to blame. You’ve slipped into the mindset that, if your husband wasn’t so lethargic and set in his ways, you’d have more exciting hobbies, you wouldn’t be overdoing the wine, you’d be going off to amazing places etc… It’s become easier to blame him and convince yourself he’s dragging you down than it is to accept that you’re not helping yourself. (Much like it’s easier for you to blame everyone here for being rude/insulting/tetchy and all the other words you’ve used to make out we’ve all got you all wrong.)

This reminds me of a thread about a year back from a woman whose partner was a “fussy eater”. Apparently it was affecting her diet too; it just wasn’t worth cooking anything decent just for her, it was a waste of money, it was sooooo expensive getting different food for him, what was the point of her sad little few bits of veg, she may as well just eat as badly as him… I asked more than once on that thread what she thought single people did and whether we were all dying of scurvy. She never answered - because that would be admitting that she was blaming her husband for her bad diet when she was doing nothing about it herself. Of course, MN hates a fussy eater, so she got support, but the fact remains that millions of single people cook for themselves perfectly well, and have no partner to blame if they “find themselves” eating poorly.

The same is true for you. Yes, you’re in a partnership, so it would be nice if he made more effort in this area. But if you were on your own, you’d have to make all the effort - so why is it his fault when you don’t?

I hear you too OP.
My DP is similar to the DH above....
It's easy to say do it all for you by yourself but that's why there's such a term as say peer pressure; 'tell me who your friends are ..' etc. (none of which is a perfect comparison but you get the idea.)

Why people complain about others constantly bringing cakes to work...

Yes you / I can do it by ourselves, but with a lot more effort. We are social animals after all.

You cant blame your husband or others this is a you problem.

I have read what you’ve written.

You blame him for your drinking and his bad habits rubbing off on you.

You are a grown adult in control of their own behaviour.

I know couples where one has smoked for years and the other has never touched a cigarette in their life.

You don’t need to do everything your partner does and if you choose to do what they do, then you need to accept that it is your choice and the only one to blame is yourself.

You cannot blame your partner for your faults and if that’s the case then DH should be blaming you for all of your faults and bad habits.

Can you imagine him coming on here saying that he and saying what you’ve said, he’d be torn to shreds.

If you are not happy in your relationship because you’ve both grown apart then that’s fine and something to ask advice on but you cannot blame someone else for your poor choices.

I totally get you. You want a different way of spending down time and leisure opportunities together. He doesn't. I am in same boat. It's sucking the joy out of life. i don't want to spend every evening eating the evening meal in bed whilst watching shit TV. No chat, no exchange of ideas. Conversations are a one way way effort met with grunts or silence.

It would be nice for him to suggest things and plan things. That's all I'm saying.

I totally see what you're saying, but if he's happy with his lot, he's probably not got much incentive to try and make changes.

I think, like I mentioned upthread, the issue is that you're starting to outgrow what you have as a couple and that can lead to resentment and frustration.

Ihopeithinkiknow
I'm so sorry for you loss. You sound like an amazing woman who knows her worth. Well done to you for taking control of your life and going for what you want.

I think you're offloading blame unfairly on your dh for your own choices.

You are calling him dull, but, if you are being honest, might it be that you are dull at the moment?

I think it's reasonable not to be happy with how things are and to try to change them.

I do enjoy drinking wine and watching telly. But it's about balance isn't it. He would happily do this and nothing else.

I totally get you op. Presumably you have spoken to him about this before? Does he tell you that he just doesnt want to make an effort to do what you need? Does he understand you are frustrated by always having to plan things? Have you asked him before if he can put more effort in?

I will say that some people are just shit at thinking of things to do and places to go. If he actually cares about how you feel and putting effort Into your life together, maybe you could help by giving him a list of things you have enjoyed doing in the past, and ask him to research, book or arrange something once per month or whatever.

Of course it would be lovely for him to come up with something good by himself but he probably just isn't as good as you at that.

If he doesn't care about making the effort then maybe the marriage has run its course.