To not socialise with my colleagues.....I'm the manager.

This whole issue, and the fact that the majority of replies here are going one way, is just absolutely bizarre to me.

From my relationship with my employer I expect:

To turn up and do my job as and when required, and:
To be paid for that.
.
That's literally it. If I want a night out I will organise it along with people who feel similarly, like I do in everyday life. I just can't imagine saying "I want a night out, oh and I expect you to organise it, and it's really important to me that you be there".

If you OP are caring, allow time off, training, take up the slack yourself then you're already going far above and beyond as far as I'm concerned. I don't have any advice but I just wanted to sympathise that you're being put in this situation which is clearly causing you some distress.

The opposite side of the coin is that work social events can cause drama and encourage unhealthy gossip, particularly if alcohol is involved. I think there is an argument that blurring the line between colleagues and friends can be a bad thing, and have always avoided work socials and letting my guard down ever since finding this out the hard way, in that I told somebody something personal and they used it against me in the most vicious way. Don't get me wrong, I am polite and supportive but my guard is thoroughly up, and people are made very clear that they have no permission to know anything personal about me at all.

We’re nhs too and the staff survey showed bullying in the team. The team suggestion was to do an escape room one Saturday… because if somebody feels bullied, why not lock them in a room with their bullies on their day off? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

When I was a manager I didn’t socialise with my team. I was still the manager even if not at work and I felt like I couldn’t relax. Plus there’s the expectation that the manager gets the first round in - I earned less than the team I managed (that’s public sector and wage creep for you!). Outside of work your time is your own- if you don’t want to socialise with them then make up an excuse (‘oh sorry I go to the gym/ have a night class/ look after ds after work so can’t go to the pub etc) but get one of the others to organise something and you promote to the team (‘xx is organising after work drinks at the pub on Thursday. Sounds like a great night - thanks for organising it xx’)

I would just be honest, I am - I tell my team I love them but I'm just not coming. The two social ones plan the nights out. We laugh when they invite me, I never go, I never will. We're all happy.

I’m in a small NHS team too. Our manager only comes out in the Christmas do and I think that’s probably about right tbh.

They're giving you feedback that they'd like to spend some time without you, without all the stresses of work, to bond as a team. You definitely do not have to follow up on that. But there is nothing wrong with them asking.

We had a manager at work who came from a place that had her build up walls around socialising with her team. She had boundaries in place. And honestly that was fine. She was still well respected. She did eventually come out for team morale but was still strictly "appropriate" but her presence was really, really appreciated. It goes a long way.

Although I see your approach @ASighMadeOfStone where you say off the bat this isn't for me. They know you won't enjoy it so there's no point pestering. Everyone knows where they stand and it's up to them to arrange something.

Frequently declining invitations or last minute dodging would definitely feel unfriendly.

I find the whole refusing to socialise with colleagues outside of work thing a bit miserable tbh, they're just people. Although lots of people seem to have this mindset.

But I guess it depends on the team. Some colleagues are chatty and get along well. You'd be a party pooper to not get along. If it's a team where people barely talk it's understandable. In the NHS I'd imagine it's the former?

I'm a manager and totally anti-social. The others go out together regularly and always ask me and a couple of others to go and I always say "nope. I'm anti-social and you know it". I've known them long enough (8 years most of them) to be able to do that.
We do have a couple of "team" dos during the year though. A cheese and wine, and a curry. Me and the other managers organise that.

Do you mind sharing what sector you work in? I feel like there may be a difference in view points between private sector and NHS.

Weirdly I work in IT but in healthcare (ie a hospital trust)

You give the role of social secretary to someone ( the extrovert party animal usually). Let them organise nights out etc.
You just have to make the right noises appear keen but ..... You just never actually go.
Or just go to a nice meal out once.
This is how it has worked most places I have worked.
Honestly just deligate it.

As a manager I don't see team nights as socialising. I see it was working in the evening and - imo - it's time well spent. An investment into a happier and therefore better team.

Definetly this. They seem quite needy. No doubt if u did organise something they would be complaining that they had to go to work event outside hours. I honestly wouldn't bother. Encourage them to go out themselves.

Why is it up to her to organise it? If they want to socialise then they can. They can ask her if she wants to go and if she says no she doesn't want to think about work outside work then that's fine. I don't see why she should be the one organising anything.

It's the person with the bright idea of the event that should be organising it.

YABU if you've had feedback from your team that they would like to do this then you should arrange something.
These kinds of events are important for team building and morale. Just because you don't need it doesn't mean others in the team wouldn't find it valuable.
Surely you can spare two evenings a year to go out for dinner or drinks after work? I don't think it needs to be any more than that.
Also in my team we have done lunches out or finished early and all gone for a walk and coffee.

If there is only four of them why on earth can’t they organise it themselves?

maybe do a Christmas drinks but really, are they grown adults or not ?

“Some of the team stated that they would feel better supported, more included and happier in the job if team outings were included.”

Do people really need a team outing in their own time to be better supported? I don’t see why you need to give up your free time if you don’t want to.

See also:- forced fun at team building events.