How "fair" do things have to be between siblings?

It’s not about the money but about the listening and the opportunity.

My DS wants to go to a great, fairly local, state 6th form, and leave his private school. He’s asked for this because he’s fed up of friends being scattered around two counties and not having an after-school social life - he’s ASD and just beginning to build up social confidence and has made friends through school trips this year. The 6th form he’s chosen is one of the best in the country and at least 5 people he knows - including two very close friends - will be going.

He could care less that we’re ‘saving’ two years money (mum n dad delighted though, and planning some couple’s trips as we’ll finally have some spare cash 🤣). What he cares about is being heard, being trusted enough to make this decision, and knowing we will support him even if it goes wrong. Just as we have his DSis/our DD. That’s what being ‘fair’ or even handed between siblings is.

My brother got private 6th form and I didn't because the money ran out. It honestly didn't occur to me to care until just now, and now it has occurred to me I still don't care!

I tell mine that fair is that they both get nowt, so they are both doing considerably better than fair! They are lucky that they both get what they need when they need it (eldest is only 12 though). If they get cash handouts as adults they will probably be given equally but anything could happen between now and then to make us change that policy.

Each of your children is getting the 6th form education they chose. You don't need to even anything up.

I have a mumsnet child, who only drinks water. I have a normal child who loves a Slushie or a fruit juice. I had to develop a fairness policy very early! If everyone gets the thing of their choice, no levelling of playing field is needed.

As long as he can stay in private if he chooses, but chooses not to then it’s fair.

They both have the same opportunities. He has decided to not take that up. He doesn’t need to be financially compensated later on.

If you follow your friends thinking your oldest could then be annoyed that she wasn’t given a choice of staying on in private or having 45k later on. She wasn’t given the same options as him.

Well you've been "fair". Or rather offered equality which is much better.

They can both make the choice to have 6th form independent education.

The house deposit option should have been offered as an equal option to both to make an informed decision if that was the route you were going down. That would be equality and fairness.

I'd just check in with ds nearer the time that he's 100% sure he doesn't want to take the private option. If he says "no thanks" then move on!

Even with the best will from parents, things can end up unequal in other ways.

Take tuition fees. My eldest siblings had bursaries. My sister had 1k fees. Then I had 3k fees. Due to a gap in my dad's employment I got a random bursary one year.

None of my siblings are paying student loans.

Fairness and equality don't mean treating people EXACTLY the same. She seems to have missed the point a bit.

He's been treated fairly as he has been given the same opportunity and choices. Wouldn't it have been unfair to force him down a path that's not suitable for him?

Your friend is a stirrer.

I’m a twin. My brother and I were at private school and he chose to do his a levels a state school. He jokingly asked if he would get the fee money instead and was told no, shrugged and went to the state school anyway as it was what he wanted.

Years down the line he’s had more financial help than me and I get more childcare. Doesn’t have to be completely the same!

We live in a grammar school area and it’s honestly pretty common for the high achieving siblings to go there and the less academic ones ( sometimes but not always with SEN) to go to the non selective privates. I know some people on here have commented that that’s unfair but tbh I don’t see it causing issues in those families.

My son was not academic and no desire to do A levels. He left private education and got a vocational qualification at a state college after GCSEs. My DD is highly academic and went to an even more expensive school than the one they were in together.
Does he resent the almost £50k more spent on her? I don't think it's even crossed his mind. He's proud she's done so well.

If he chooses to leave private education then it's fine obviously. Your friend is silly.

It would be different if you'd refused to pay for him, but paid for DD.

It’s not as if you’ve said to your DS “sorry nothing left for you now you’ll have to look elsewhere”. It’s his choice and it sounds like you’ve supported them both very well. If he’s doing medicine at university I’m sure it will all even itself out anyway. I’d ignore your friend it’s nothing to do with her.

I find it odd when parents do something like putting one child through private primary and the other not, unless there is significant reason to do so like SEN or something. But in your situation it sounds like they both had access to private senior and your son is choosing not to take it. That’s fine!

All 3 of my children went to different schools/colleges based on their academic needs, interests and personalities. Some were state and some were private. No problem. They each got what was best suited to them.

Your friend needs to jog on ........

I think at this stage you are being fair. DS could have stayed on but chose to go elsewhere.

Later in life would be different.

Your friend is being ridiculous. If you told your DS he couldn't stay on that would be different. But it would be much more unfair to present your DS £45k for a house deposit and not your DD! Surely her argument then would be 'but I was never given an option to take the money! I would have done that'

They both had the same opportunity to stay at the private school for. A-levels.

However, you could argue it’s unfair on dc1 if you didn’t give her the choice of private six form , or college/money.

No, you are not setting yourself up for strife.

I would just try to be really sure that he is choosing college for genuine reasons, not secretly eg trying to save you money, or because he's heard that it's easier to get into medical school from a state school. (I don't have figures to hand but surely much more than 7% of medical students still come from private schools.)

Giving him the lump sum would be silly but I would make sure he has all the access to things like trips and tutors, should he need them.

Your friend is being silly. Both your children have the same choices and no one knows what paths their lives will take and how they might be supported at different periods.....

Does she stick a fiver in the pot for her child you has a cheaper meal at the pub?
I imagine she might not actually have children.

Your friend is talking shite. Being equal and fair is making sure everyone gets to do whatever suits them and not forcing everyone to be the same. It's making sure your son gets to study in the environment best suited to him. Obviously completely different if your son wanted to go to the private school and you refused to pay for him but that doesn't seem to be the case. I hate this tit for tat childish attitude. You see it for example where people might begrudge a parent having done childcare for another grandchild and look for the same despite the grandparent being many years older now and possibly with their health not what it was.

I think this is fine as it's DS's choice.

Your are providing the resources and the support for both.

one is making a choice that means th resources aren’t needed for now that doesn’t mean he is getting less than the other it just means you’re tailoring things to what each need.

You say yourself he may go on to do something that will need financial support later so nobody is getting cut off your just being flexible

I'm the eldest of 4

My parents have always given according to need not fairness
Which has meant that as I have a good job and a high earning DH, I have "missed out" on a fair chunk of cash

Which I am absolutely fine with!

My siblings do not have spouses and have varying degrees of financial and health success - they need more help to live a decent life. I love them and want that for them

I will inherit a share of a house shortly and have already agreed with my next sibling that our shares should sit with the 3rd so he can live there

I can see in other situations where feelings could be hurt - so maybe it's worth a discussion at some point with everyone present just so everyone is on the same page?

Mine just get what they need within our budget. I don’t think it’s an issue.