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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my family to cut ties with my ex-husband?

58 replies

Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:03

in late 2021 I asked my husband to leave the family home because of the emotional damage he was doing to our daughter. He then filed for divorce, and we have been divorced since late 2022.

I've explained the damage he caused to my sisters and told them that he has not made any real effort to build a relationship with our daughter. She's 18 now and he didn't recognize her last 3 birthdays, or her school graduation, and hasn't sent Christmas gifts, or anything, but they, and my BiL, continue to be friendly with my him, talking on the phone and meeting him for lunch occasionally.

Am I Being Unreasonable to want him out of my life, including out of my family's life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:15

shutupbirds · 23/05/2024 19:11

I don't think you are BU at all! I would feel the same in your position, depending on what their relationships were like prior to divorce. My mum was similar with my exH, even after knowing the years of misery he caused me and our DC, she acts like he's the best thing ever. She's nice as pie if she sees him, but then comes moaning about him to me. However she doesn't go out of her way to meet him for lunch or ring for a chat! Did they all have good, close friendships with him while you were married? If so I think you probably can't just demand they stop being friends. But if it's become closer since your divorce then that's out of line imo.

I do think part of it is that he's been 'part of the family' since my sisters were quite young, and he's 'always' been 'part of the family' for my BiL.

OP posts:
HappyFitnessQueen · 23/05/2024 19:15

Did your BIL know him before you were together? I can't see any other reason why they'd keep this link other than if they knew him before your relationship.

It's so completely out of order and I would have very little to do with the family members who keep in contact. They are being manipulated but they should have the power to say 'no'. My DB did the same, eventually saw the light (after landing me in heaps of trouble with XH) but I've never been able to trust my DB again. I warned him and he didn't listen. He showed me who he really was and how much I could trust him. V sad but there's no value to a relationship if you can't trust them.

Reugny · 23/05/2024 19:11

You can't control other people but you can control how you act when they talk about him.

You can either change the subject immediately, or tell them to pass him a message when they next talk to him from his daughter as he refuses to answer her calls then change the subject.

Tetreb · 23/05/2024 19:11

I'm not sure I'd want anything to do with a family member who did that, knowing how he treated you and continues to treat his DD. Ex is likely meeting up with them to gain info on you both. So I'd take a step back so they have nothing to share.

shutupbirds · 23/05/2024 19:11

I don't think you are BU at all! I would feel the same in your position, depending on what their relationships were like prior to divorce. My mum was similar with my exH, even after knowing the years of misery he caused me and our DC, she acts like he's the best thing ever. She's nice as pie if she sees him, but then comes moaning about him to me. However she doesn't go out of her way to meet him for lunch or ring for a chat! Did they all have good, close friendships with him while you were married? If so I think you probably can't just demand they stop being friends. But if it's become closer since your divorce then that's out of line imo.

Original poster
Oodiks · 23/05/2024 19:10

Knowing they talk to him means I can't be open with them about my life in case anything gets back to him. He's a manipulative narcissist and will use anything he can to make my life difficult, no matter that making my life difficult affects our daughter.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 23/05/2024 19:09

Completely disagree with the poster above. I would expect loyalty from my family, not fraternising with the enemy. What he did to your DD should be enough for your siblings to hate him.

Alwaysalwayscold · 23/05/2024 19:06

YABU. It's none of your business who grown adults choose to speak to/socialise with.