To want my family to cut ties with my ex-husband?

@Oodiks I agree. So unfair that he should be overshadowing your new chapter of freedom from him by keeping his tentacles draped over you like this.

@StormingNorman The most likely reason is that the wider family do not agree with OP's assessment of her ex. They don't see him in the same light as she does.

That could be because, like many abusers, he only showed his behaviour behind closed doors and was charming in public, so they were never witness to it.

Or it could be because there are two sides to the argument and they don't agree with the op that he is as bad as she says.

They aren't rejecting the OP, but they aren't cutting off the ex either. If he's been part of the family for years, that's not so very odd.

@Oodiks how terribly disloyal your family are being to you and your daughter!! i would seriously be considering going very low contact with family who do this! you dont know that they are not talking discussing your affairs!

Completely disagree with anyone who says "you can't control who adults mix with" or along those lines.

If someone has hurt me or my kids and my family members just accept it and still mix with them, then they are bellends. If someone's hurt you, you want your nearest and dearest to support you and vice versa.

If someone hurts my family then they go straight on my dickhead list. Expecting loyalty from family isn't unreasonable if they claim to love you etc.

If it were me Op, I would cool it with the family members. I don't understand why some people can't see the issue here. This isn't about you being controlling. Ultimately, people who you should be able to trust and relax with are maintaining a bond with someone who treated you and your daughter very badly. It would be no different if they were family or a good friend, it's a betrayal. It's not unreasonable to judge someone who gives up on their child, yet here is your daughter watching her relatives play happy families with a loser dad who can't even send her a birthday card. They have no loyalty to you and I would think less of them, not trust them and reduce my contact with them.

@saltinesandcoffeecups fair enough. And to be fair, we always joke that if my brother and his wife ever broke up, we'd all be team SIL!

You cant tell an adult what to do or who they can talk to end of.
But if it bothers you so much.
If it was me in your shoes i would fizzle out from the whole lot of them family as well.
And move home and get on with my own life and leave them all at it.
Lifes too short for constant drama.

Well so far he hasn’t called me at 3am belligerently drunk to scream at me and tell me I’m a horrible person while I’m on the phone with the hospital about my dying mother. (Seriously the bat shit crazy title I used twice wasn’t a clue that just maybe she’s off the rails? And truly I don’t think there is anything wrong with her mental health… she’s just a truly miserable person)

If he did.. I’d reevaluate that relationship as well to be fair.

But this is derailing… I did not bring this up in the thread to say this is in any way comparable to the OP’s situation. But to explain to others that ‘can’t imagine how a family member could do this’ or ‘find it bizarre’ that this can happen. I’m sure if asked the family members would have their reasons for staying in touch, that probably doesn’t have anything to do with the OP.

so you have consciously chosen your sister's ex and maintain a relationship with him, but not her. That is not the same as OP's situation. Although frankly, I still find this a bit bizarre, but obviously, family dynamics are complex.

I’m still in loose touch with my sister’s ex. He’d been part of the family for over 20 years. So like a big brother to me. From what I understand the break up was pretty bad but honestly I don’t really care.

Some key differences (I hope) from your situation… my sister is bat shit crazy and when they broke up I wasn’t having anything to do with her. Did I mention bat shit? Yeah at the time they were both alcoholics… he has since stopped the self-destructive behavior… she not so much.

And lastly (this one is probably similar to your situation) their relationship was totally different than the one I had/have with him. I’m not an extension of my sister but a person in my own right.

My mother was the same, so full of understanding for my poor bastard of an ex. Needless to say that ended any trust I felt for my mother and although he is no longer in contact with him, I will never be able to see her on the same way. It felt and still feels like a betrayal, and yes, I also had to become very careful of what I said because my mother would always managed to spill the beans with my ex even if that would put DC and I at risk.

His mother on the other hand, was really nasty to me until she realised she had been unfair and after some years contact was re established as she wanted to be more involved on DC’s life. The moment my ex knew she was in contact with me, he cut all ties with her.

People who do not have families like these might not understand your point but, if your family’s attitude to your ex is hurting you, remember that then you shouldn’t care much about what they think or feel guilty about distancing yourself from them.

I wouldn't be happy about it and I'd be withdrawing contact with them if they continued contact with him. Bear in mind that if he's a convincing liar, he's probably filled their heads with all sorts of lies about you and blamed you for his daughter's rejection. A lot of people think there's two sides to every story. It's a shame and I'm not surprised you're hurt. I don't think I'd want much to do with them.

YADNBU X

I voted YABU - not because I'd be fine with it, but because I'd accept I can't stop who my BIL remains friends with and I'd drive myself crazy if I let myself care.

Your ex is clearly a dick. I'm glad you and your daughter are free of him. If your BIL can't see that, just shake it off and carry on living your toxic-ex-free life.

Also, narcissistic men are very very good at targeting a certain type of women. One who has been brought up to believe her needs/wants are secondary, to be deeply empathetic of other people's perspectives, to believe in compromise, to want to help other people etc. Also an over-inflated sense of responsibility.

So the family, by definition, is likely to be inclined to believe she is the problem or that she should do certain things....

I think that the 1 out of 3 are the people identifying with your family, and not with you. They are all about "I won't be told who to be friends with so neither should OP's family". Completely missing the part where you shouldn't have to ask them because they wouldn't want to be friendly with someone who has abandoned their under age family member.

I imagine these are the same kind of people who like to nod sagely and say, "where there's smoke there's fire" as they hear yet another story from some man about his crazy ex....

If my sister asked me not to have cosy lunches with the man who inflicted pain and suffering on her and my DN, I’d be fine with it.

This is purely hypothetical though because she wouldn’t ever have to ask. I wouldn’t want to be friendly with someone who caused my family distress.

Why would you be ok with it?

If they can't see the problem, they are part of the problem. Your DD must feel so betrayed. I would limit contact with them and eliminate ANY discussion of your or your DD's private activities, thoughts, feelings etc.

Yes, and I hate that they're still taken in by his BS!!!

It's infuriating, I completely feel your pain. I actually considered therapy because I was finding the way he continues to manipulate everyone so frustrating and it was causing me a lot of distress, which I felt was RIDICULOUS as it's not like I'm in a relationship with him.

I really feel for SIl. Her MH (and her finances) is destroyed and the really really sad part is she's still not completely free of him, including in her head.

He hates me with a passion because I not only refuse to buy into his shit, I am constantly pointing it out to everyone else.

Another one saying yaNbu! Your family need to cut the cord. I'd be really angry and upset if my nearest and dearest didn't show me that loyalty.

I'd cut ties with disloyal family members, op. It's what I've done, anyway. The day after my ex hit me and was arrested, my mother hugged him and said she would always love him because he's the father of her grandchildren. Things went downhill from there, she ended up siding with him in family court and lied about me to a social worker.

I've become very skilled at the grey rock technique, so even when she arranged Christmas meals with my ex and our dc, pretending I was the one with the problem and they were a happy family without me, I kept my rage to myself and didn't feed the drama. They all got bored quite quickly, and my dc saw through their nonsense so wouldn't play along. Thankfully we are all NC now.