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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to leave the dog?

111 replies

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:07

I am planning to leave my partner, it has taken nearly 2 years to finally get to a place where I realise I deserve better and feeling strong that there is no future here.

He's been emotionally abusive, controlling (including financial), doesn't pull his weight, doesn't look after himself. I could go on but I have finally accepted that there is nothing left to salvage and I have no more strength to keep trying. I'm finding it hard to pull the trigger and actually go but the main thing holding me back is our dog. He has outright told me he would keep the dog if we ever split. I do majority of her day to day care and she follows me around like my shadow. I cannot bear to leave her. For my own selfish reasons but also because she will be left with a controlling asshole and im not sure he would put in the effort for her exercise needs, grooming etc. I'm not sure where I'm even going to live and no family or friends I could take the dog to so I think I am going to have to leave her. He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

I need some reassurance I am doing the right thing? I'm worried I'll stay here for another 10 years because of the dog. I love her so much but as everyone in my life is telling me I can't ruin my own life for her.

OP posts:
MuscariFan · 23/05/2024 11:12

I suspect your best chance of getting your dog would be to pretend you don't give a monkey's about her and don't want her ... the more he knows you're keen, the more it becomes a power game.

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 11:09

user147032431 · 23/05/2024 11:01

The other alternative is to go on about how much you don't want the bloody dog, what lousy and expensive flats there are for people with dogs so you are no way going to take it. Then watch him demand you take the dog to make your life difficult....

But she has nowhere to take it so what good is that?

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 11:07

@chargrilledchickenyum I've read it but that doesn't mean it proves ownership 🤷‍♀️

www.bluecross.org.uk/advice/pets/wellbeing-and-care/microchipping-your-dog-or-cat

user147032431 · 23/05/2024 11:01

The other alternative is to go on about how much you don't want the bloody dog, what lousy and expensive flats there are for people with dogs so you are no way going to take it. Then watch him demand you take the dog to make your life difficult....

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:51

stop mumsnetting
tell him it’s over
ring estate agent

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:51

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:50

yes and loads saying “just take her”

when completely impractical

Agree as I'd just take her if I could, that's the issue, I can't 😞

OP posts:
Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:51

elevens24 · 23/05/2024 10:47

I doubt you can change the micro chip without his knowledge. When we moved house and needed to change the address I contacted them but they wouldn't speak to me as I wasn't the registered person on file.

I really feel for you as I don't think I could leave my dog. I wfh so am always with ddog. I do the feeding, cleaning and most of vet appts (and there's a lot). Walking is 50:50. My dh loves ddog as much as I do and he knows the dog wouldn't manage being at home all day on his own if I left. So he would let me have him.

What is in the best interests of the ddog? You say he's an aresehole to you but is he to the dog?

Yes he is overly controlling with the dog too and lazy with her. If I thought he would look after her well I'd accept it even though I'd struggle but it's the fact I don't know how well she will be looked after too that is making me feel I cannot leave her

OP posts:
chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:50

yes and loads saying “just take her”

when completely impractical

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:50

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:47

But you can’t take her i. the short and medium term anyway

your focus needs to be squarely on telling him it’s over, moving out, and getting the house on the market by the end of the week

You are jumping the gun re the dog op

there is a LOT to do before you can even have the dog

Well my OP is asking for advice on being ok with leaving her as feel I need to accept that before I can actually end things.

OP posts:
chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:47

But you can’t take her i. the short and medium term anyway

your focus needs to be squarely on telling him it’s over, moving out, and getting the house on the market by the end of the week

You are jumping the gun re the dog op

there is a LOT to do before you can even have the dog

elevens24 · 23/05/2024 10:47

I doubt you can change the micro chip without his knowledge. When we moved house and needed to change the address I contacted them but they wouldn't speak to me as I wasn't the registered person on file.

I really feel for you as I don't think I could leave my dog. I wfh so am always with ddog. I do the feeding, cleaning and most of vet appts (and there's a lot). Walking is 50:50. My dh loves ddog as much as I do and he knows the dog wouldn't manage being at home all day on his own if I left. So he would let me have him.

What is in the best interests of the ddog? You say he's an aresehole to you but is he to the dog?

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:45

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:44

so the issue with the dog is that the dog has to stay until you have found somewhere suitable?

Yes that and the fact he would make it difficult for me to take her as he wants to keep her

OP posts:
chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:44

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:43

I work and have some savings, I just can't afford a place and to pay the mortgage at same time so need to have the house sold or bought out to be able to rent.

so the issue with the dog is that the dog has to stay until you have found somewhere suitable?

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:43

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:40

all this is secondary to you getting a place where you can have the dog!

Do you work? any savings?

I work and have some savings, I just can't afford a place and to pay the mortgage at same time so need to have the house sold or bought out to be able to rent.

OP posts:
CannotbebotheredNope · 23/05/2024 10:42

TheFlis · 23/05/2024 10:18

I bet if you leave he will soon work out a dig us hard work and be willing for you to take it once you have got a place sorted.

This⬆️

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:40

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:40

Says you can't transfer to new owner, would have to create a new account and transfer it but since I have access to his account I'd be able to do that in theory

all this is secondary to you getting a place where you can have the dog!

Do you work? any savings?

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:40

MiddleagedBeachbum · 23/05/2024 10:40

I’d never leave my dogs with an abusive arsehole, it’s not going to take long for him to turn his temper onto the dog!

That's my worry. Just trying to work out how I could get her out with me

OP posts:
TurqoiseJasper · 23/05/2024 10:40

RedHelenB · 23/05/2024 10:13

Don't let a dog stop you leaving.

Leaving my dog would be like abandoning my own child. I would never ever EVER.

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:40

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:38

amend details option?

Says you can't transfer to new owner, would have to create a new account and transfer it but since I have access to his account I'd be able to do that in theory

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 23/05/2024 10:40

I’d never leave my dogs with an abusive arsehole, it’s not going to take long for him to turn his temper onto the dog!

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:38

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:33

Actually I just found the log in details for the microchip, it's his name and phone number but my email and I set up the account. I don't think I can change name without notifying him but at least I have the login details and can do some digging. I changed the vets contact details to me a while ago but think it's still his name

Edited

amend details option?

chargrilledchickenyum · 23/05/2024 10:37

Dogs must be microchipped before they’re transferred to a new owner,

It is not absolute proof
but it is the most solid evidence i. support of one person saying they are the owner over another (especially when the person registered on microchip database also is named at vets and on insurance docs!!)

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:37

TakeOnFlea · 23/05/2024 10:35

What do you mean he said you won't get half the equity? It's either your house or it's not

Because he paid a bit more deposit he says he would get more back but on deeds it's 50/50

OP posts:
TakeOnFlea · 23/05/2024 10:35

What do you mean he said you won't get half the equity? It's either your house or it's not

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:33

Actually I just found the log in details for the microchip, it's his name and phone number but my email and I set up the account. I don't think I can change name without notifying him but at least I have the login details and can do some digging. I changed the vets contact details to me a while ago but think it's still his name

OP posts:
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