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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to leave the dog?

111 replies

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:07

I am planning to leave my partner, it has taken nearly 2 years to finally get to a place where I realise I deserve better and feeling strong that there is no future here.

He's been emotionally abusive, controlling (including financial), doesn't pull his weight, doesn't look after himself. I could go on but I have finally accepted that there is nothing left to salvage and I have no more strength to keep trying. I'm finding it hard to pull the trigger and actually go but the main thing holding me back is our dog. He has outright told me he would keep the dog if we ever split. I do majority of her day to day care and she follows me around like my shadow. I cannot bear to leave her. For my own selfish reasons but also because she will be left with a controlling asshole and im not sure he would put in the effort for her exercise needs, grooming etc. I'm not sure where I'm even going to live and no family or friends I could take the dog to so I think I am going to have to leave her. He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

I need some reassurance I am doing the right thing? I'm worried I'll stay here for another 10 years because of the dog. I love her so much but as everyone in my life is telling me I can't ruin my own life for her.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 23/05/2024 16:52

I had to give up our 3 dogs when we separated, it was so painful, but I couldn't take them with me into a womens refuge. You have to do what is right for you. If he doesn't want thr dog , try a rescue home / Foster family

NewGirlinClass · 23/05/2024 16:42

I think your priorities are

  1. your safety and well being
  2. A place to live
  3. your finances, get a lawyer if you can.
  4. Get established and feel secure whilst the fight goes on. He will make you fight for your rightful share of the house.
Be aware that he might switch from keeping the dog himself to insisting that you have it and making life difficult for you.
LolaJ87 · 23/05/2024 16:21

I wouldn't leave my dog, especially with someone abusive. Contact Dogs Trust or some other support agencies that might be able to help. Then you can leave without the guilt and worry hanging over you, and you know she'll be safe and waiting for you when you're back on your feet.

chillisalt · 23/05/2024 16:10

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 15:46

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 15:40

I did miss that, sorry!

I just think OP is focusing on the wrong issue - perhaps because it's easier to worry about the dog than it is about ending an abusive relationship.

Show quote history

I do appreciate your point but I have considered ending this for 2 years but the difficulty is not knowing what's going to happen until I actually end things. Have worried about the practicalities of where I'll live etc for so long that it's been stopping me take action so I've had to just accept that I can't really control it until I take that step. The dog is just the part I'm finding so hard as I am very emotionally attached to her. But I do see that I need to worry about everything else, I have a place to stay if I go alone but just not for the dog for various reasons hence this post.

OP posts:
fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 15:40

Arlanymor · 23/05/2024 14:39

Well I mentioned that point in my very first post to be fair, in case you didn’t see it: If you haven’t worked out where you are going to live yet, you don’t know whether you will or will not be able to take the dog with you, but your concern over her wellbeing if she stayed with him is valid.

I didn’t stay to start the ball rolling now, just giving her some information based on a friend’s experience, but I agree the accommodation is a crucial point, as I mentioned from the start.

Show quote history

I did miss that, sorry!

I just think OP is focusing on the wrong issue - perhaps because it's easier to worry about the dog than it is about ending an abusive relationship.

Girlwithapple · 23/05/2024 15:33

OP the scheme operated by Dogs Trust a pp has linked to might be of help to you.

I would also have a look at Trevor Coopers Doglaw website, you could book a telephone consultation with him and he is highly experienced in ownership disputes.
https://doglaw.co.uk/civil/ownership-custody-disputes/

As well as whose name the dog is registered in in terms of vet, microchip and insurance etc, who provides day to day care of the dog is taken into consideration- the link I have included above covers this. Do you have a ring door bell? If so I would be saving any footage of you doing the everyday walks, as well as recording details of grooming appointments, who took the dog and who paid, same for training classes etc.

Dog Custody & Ownership Disputes | Dog Law

Dog custody, ownership and tug of love cases are extremely common in UK. Cases of who owns the dog tend to be heard in the Small Claims Court.

https://doglaw.co.uk/civil/ownership-custody-disputes

Branleuse · 23/05/2024 14:57

Some rescue places might help you find fosterer for her temporarily.

Original poster
Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 14:52

Thanks both. I think the accomodation situation could be workable with a bit of financial help after discussing with family but my main issue is how to take her when he doesn't want me to. And also not aware of any channels to report his behaviour towards the dog without getting the dog taken off of me too.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 23/05/2024 14:39

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 11:28

@Arlanymor but the issue that everyone keeps overlooking is that OP has nowhere to keep the dog until the house sells, so focusing on ownership at this point isn't really very helpful.

Even if the court says it's her dog, where is she going to live?

Well I mentioned that point in my very first post to be fair, in case you didn’t see it: If you haven’t worked out where you are going to live yet, you don’t know whether you will or will not be able to take the dog with you, but your concern over her wellbeing if she stayed with him is valid.

I didn’t stay to start the ball rolling now, just giving her some information based on a friend’s experience, but I agree the accommodation is a crucial point, as I mentioned from the start.

Joeylove88 · 23/05/2024 14:36

I really feel for you OP because I would say that you are better off being out of that house when you tell him its over for your own safety but to not be able to take your dog with you must feel so heartbreaking and I wouldnt be trusting him to look after her either. It sounds like she really loves you. Can you hold out a little longer and find out what your rights are i.e the house you jointly own if you left would you still be entitled to half the equity despite not physically living there anymore? Im just thinking can you stay there and be with the dog and protect your right to your cut of the house sale when you do put it on the market or do you strongly feel its best if you leave that house right away? You know him better than anyone else and if hes abusive how do you think he would react to you breaking up with him? Maybe also check out the option of seeing if any dog charity will temporarily foster your dpg until you get the house sorted. Surely you can say she will otherwise be left in an abusive situation.

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 23/05/2024 13:39

Sounds like the microchip issue is solvable as you have the logins. You could at least change the mobile number to yours. The Dogs Trust have a fostering scheme for people fleeing domestic abuse that you could look at.

https://www.dogstrustfreedom.org.uk/

Freedom - Helping dog owners find freedom from domestic abuse

https://www.dogstrustfreedom.org.uk

TakeOnFlea · 23/05/2024 12:54

You've seen a solicitor and they didn't advise you that the house is 50% yours since his deposit wasn't protected with a declaration of trust or similar?

The dog is a red herring here. You can't take it because you have nowhere to take it. Focus on getting the house sold because he will likely do everything he can to sabotage that. Then work out the dog stuff.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 23/05/2024 11:59

Of course leave the dog. Bloody hell. He sounds horrible.

Twwodoorsaway · 23/05/2024 11:59

@Fairweatherrunner2 have a look at Dog’s Trust, they offer short or longer term fostering of dogs for owners who have to leave due to domestic abuse. I have a friend who fosters for them, you can still have contact and get your dog back at the end, this might be a good option. I don’t think microchips can prove ownership these days tbh. See this link

https://www.bluecross.org.uk/advice/pets/wellbeing-and-care/microchipping-your-dog-or-cat#:~:text=No%2C%20a%20microchip%20alone%20is,%2C%20not%20an%20'owner'.

but I think dog’s trust would advise you on that.

Famfirst · 23/05/2024 11:52

I couldn't and wouldn't leave my dog. Get something sorted and if you're truly the better option for her then you have to take her. She's dependent on humans for her health wellbeing and happiness

thefarrierswife · 23/05/2024 11:35

There's no way I'd leave the dog. It sounds like he will use the dog to make you stay or just to upset you. End it, get the house on the market, don't discuss the dog. When you can leave just take the dog with you.

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 11:28

@Arlanymor but the issue that everyone keeps overlooking is that OP has nowhere to keep the dog until the house sells, so focusing on ownership at this point isn't really very helpful.

Even if the court says it's her dog, where is she going to live?

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 11:25

@Fairweatherrunner2 you need to get yourself out and to somewhere safe before worrying about the dog though - I know you love her and that it's bloody hard but you're no good to her if you have nowhere to live or worse.

Original poster
Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 11:24

@SwingingPlantar thank you, useful advice and much appreciated.

@Ponoka7 yes have spoken to a solicitor. My worry is things escalating if I stay until house is sorted so have spoken to them about that.

@fieldsofbutterflies the issue is really only short term though as once house is sorted I'd have no issue as I have a good salary. I'd maybe be able to make it work in the interim but don't know that until I pull the trigger and the issue is more he won't let me take her anyway.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 23/05/2024 11:24

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 10:28

You can take this issue to the courts and even if he is the legal owner (and registered to him at the vet, insurance and on the the microchip database) they will also take other issues into account:
– Who paid for/ formally adopted the dog
– Who usually walks and takes care of the dog
– Who pays for dog’s expenses

The problem is that if all the paperwork etc. is in his name, then the rest is largely irrelevant and hard to prove. And yes, I know a microchip doesn't prove anything either but it definitely helps.

I also don't think a court will be remotely interested in who paid for dog food in a relationship where both parties live together and share expenses.

They were in the case of my friend who won custody (for want of a better word, given how the law views dogs as chattels). He could prove that he was a key part of the adoption process, did all of the dog walking and vet trips and payments, regardless of who was on the insurance and microchip database. He got good legal advice and was adroitly able to make his case.

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 11:23

For now, make a weeks diary. Who walks/feeds/toilets etc the dog so you have evidence going forward.

The issue is that one person writing a diary doesn't really prove much. It's also very common for dog walks etc. to fall more to one person for a whole variety of reasons, it doesn't mean that person is the owner.

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 11:20

MuscariFan · 23/05/2024 11:12

I suspect your best chance of getting your dog would be to pretend you don't give a monkey's about her and don't want her ... the more he knows you're keen, the more it becomes a power game.

But OP has nowhere she can take the dog to - there's no point taking it if they're going to end up homeless.

Ponoka7 · 23/05/2024 11:20

Have you had full legal advice before you leave the house? You'll need that. Separating and staying put could be an option.

SwingingPlantar · 23/05/2024 11:17

@Fairweatherrunner2 im sorry people are being harsh and not getting you are trying to leave an abusive relationship. All the people saying they wouldn’t leave a dog don’t realise how desperate you are and how once you realise the abuse you then see it all and it keeps hitting you.
Well don’t for making plans to leave. You are the most important and can fight for the dog. Once you have left. He will use the dog as leverage to try and make you stay and keep abusing you. He’ll soon realise it’s too much work for him and when he knows you are gone for good will be more likely to give them back.

For now, make a weeks diary. Who walks/feeds/toilets etc the dog so you have evidence going forward.

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