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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to leave the dog?

111 replies

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:07

I am planning to leave my partner, it has taken nearly 2 years to finally get to a place where I realise I deserve better and feeling strong that there is no future here.

He's been emotionally abusive, controlling (including financial), doesn't pull his weight, doesn't look after himself. I could go on but I have finally accepted that there is nothing left to salvage and I have no more strength to keep trying. I'm finding it hard to pull the trigger and actually go but the main thing holding me back is our dog. He has outright told me he would keep the dog if we ever split. I do majority of her day to day care and she follows me around like my shadow. I cannot bear to leave her. For my own selfish reasons but also because she will be left with a controlling asshole and im not sure he would put in the effort for her exercise needs, grooming etc. I'm not sure where I'm even going to live and no family or friends I could take the dog to so I think I am going to have to leave her. He is named on all the vets, microchip, insurance etc so I have nothing on that side.

I need some reassurance I am doing the right thing? I'm worried I'll stay here for another 10 years because of the dog. I love her so much but as everyone in my life is telling me I can't ruin my own life for her.

OP posts:
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TipsyMaker · 25/01/2025 00:03

How did you get on @Fairweatherrunner2? Hope you've managed to sort it out 💐

Mulloffuckintyre · 25/05/2024 00:26

If he’s abusive it’s better for you to pretend you don’t want her. Then he will try to dump her on you to be awkward. Be aware he will probably use the dog as a weapon against you if he can.
You need to leave regardless though. You can’t waste your life on an arsehole because of a dog.

Ooral · 25/05/2024 00:21

If you are in Scotland, I'll look after the dog for you for a few weeks, as long as it's OK with other dogs!

simplebeetroot · 24/05/2024 07:42

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Original poster
Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 21:00

Annielou67 · 23/05/2024 19:58

I left my partner, believing we would come to an accommodation about dog custody and he had my dog pts out of spite, because he knew how much I loved him.

I'm so so sorry that is so evil😥

OP posts:
BusyMummy001 · 23/05/2024 20:28

If you think you might in the near future have a place of your own (a flat after your joint home is sold), you could arrange a LT foster place for the dog?

Reji · 23/05/2024 20:25

Before I left a dangerous relationship my beloved dog mysteriously ran away, slipped her lead at the park and disappeared...

I had actually organised a temporary foster with a volunteer at my local dog rescue. They kept her for 2 months until I was able to take her back. Maybe something like that would be an option for you.

If leaving her behind is the only way for you to be free then that is what you have to do.

Caroparo52 · 23/05/2024 20:17

Just got and take the dog. My ex insisted on seeing the dog at weekends until the vet bills came up and then silence

rinseandrepeat1 · 23/05/2024 20:11

Annielou67 · 23/05/2024 19:58

I left my partner, believing we would come to an accommodation about dog custody and he had my dog pts out of spite, because he knew how much I loved him.

Oh my god I am lost for words. I am so sorry.

Annielou67 · 23/05/2024 19:58

I left my partner, believing we would come to an accommodation about dog custody and he had my dog pts out of spite, because he knew how much I loved him.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 23/05/2024 19:29

Hi OP. Call Womens Aid, Dogs Trust or Cinnamon Trust and ask what they suggest. Using pets to keep someone in a relationship is a common tactic in abuse, and pets are at risk of mistreatment in these situations too. Your best bet is a temporary foster while you get situated safely. Otherwise, I would be tempted to rehome her permanently without telling your partner. Heartbreaking, but at least you would know she would be going into a motivated and checked home. I have a dog who was rehomed in those circumstances, currently she is snoring next to me on the sofa. I hope whoever had to give her up is safe now.

unsync · 23/05/2024 17:54

Take the dog, I did. I knew that if I left the dog behind, exH would not look after him.

My dog was a huge source of comfort to me during the time when my abusive exH was trying everything to bring me down during the divorce. I spent many hours trekking through the countryside with dog and it kept me sane.

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/05/2024 17:53

The names on the paperwork are only a part of the potential evidence for the dog being his dog - and you can refute that if your position is that he is controlling and manipulative and financially abusive.

If the money for the dogs needs have come out of a joint account, then his claim is no greater than yours.

Would he really go to court over the dog?

Take the dog - if you don't he is going to use that as leverage to get you to come back, or to hurt you, or both.

SquishyGloopyBum · 23/05/2024 17:45

I'd change the details on the chip as you have the login.

To be honest, he's going to use the dog to control you if you leave her. It also sounds like she's being abused by him too.

Make a plan which includes the dog.

You can do this op. You just need to plan it properly.

LolaJ87 · 23/05/2024 17:34

I really wouldn't try to bluff and say you don't want the dog as he could get rid of her.

TheFunHasGone · 23/05/2024 17:27

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 23/05/2024 17:21

Tell him you want to separate. Move into the spare room. Tell him he can keep the dog. Get the house on the market or agree a fee for him to buy you out. Get your money from the house sale then leave with the dog.

This

Although I'd say if he thinks ypu aren't interested in keeping the dog he's likely to decide you should have it, I'd be putting it out there that it would be too much hassle for you to take the dog

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 23/05/2024 17:21

Tell him you want to separate. Move into the spare room. Tell him he can keep the dog. Get the house on the market or agree a fee for him to buy you out. Get your money from the house sale then leave with the dog.

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/05/2024 17:17

JosiePosey · 23/05/2024 17:14

Take the dog to a vets and explain, ask them if they will remove the old chip and put in a new one.

Some dog groomers can put chips in but I doubt they'd remove one.

It's the Cinnamon Trust, iirc, that help with fostering.

Show quote history

You can't just remove a chip from a dog - it would require surgery for starters, but even if you could, you definitely couldn't do it without permission from the current legal owner.

JosiePosey · 23/05/2024 17:14

Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 10:33

Actually I just found the log in details for the microchip, it's his name and phone number but my email and I set up the account. I don't think I can change name without notifying him but at least I have the login details and can do some digging. I changed the vets contact details to me a while ago but think it's still his name

Edited

Take the dog to a vets and explain, ask them if they will remove the old chip and put in a new one.

Some dog groomers can put chips in but I doubt they'd remove one.

It's the Cinnamon Trust, iirc, that help with fostering.

Original poster
Fairweatherrunner2 · 23/05/2024 17:11

@Elieza good idea I do suspect the dog thing is to control me and make me not want to leave so there is a chance he will want me to take her when he realises what is involved but can't count on it

@kitteninabasket we have a mortgage so I can't just stop paying until my name is off and can't afford to pay for 2 places at the same time

OP posts:
Samthedog71717 · 23/05/2024 17:09

I'd get my name on that identchip and get gone with the dog.

rockingbird · 23/05/2024 17:09

Lots of dog charities offer temporary foster options for situations like this. I'd explore that option rather than leave the dog behind.

kitteninabasket · 23/05/2024 17:06

Can you not look for a rental flat or flat share that will be willing to allow a dog? Why do you have to stay with a relative? Am I missing something?

Elieza · 23/05/2024 17:01

Does he work out of the house during the day? ie not there to toilet dog?

If so I'd be telling him that "I'm leaving the dog and you can pay the £15 a day dog walker to take dd out, that's over £300 a month, as I won't be there to do it. And if you won't there will be pew and pop everywhere that you'll have to clean up".

And I'd do whatever I could to take her, having planted that seed.

At that point I think he'll want you to take the dog.

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