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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH to only attend one of these wedding events?

130 replies

DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:01

In genuine need of a sense check here.

My DH’s cousin is getting married at the end of next month. The wedding is in Wales, we live in Kent. They are having the ceremony one weekend (weekend one) with only a small number of invited guests and then the following weekend (weekend two) they are having a big celebration with lots of people in a rural location. I will be staying at home with our two DSs, aged 2 and 4 months.

DH wants to go to both ‘parts’ of the wedding, which will mean he’s away for two full weekends in a row, due to the travel time. I think I’ll struggle to manage both boys on my own for two weekends, particularly overnight as they both wake up multiple times a night, often at the same time and I can’t be in two places at once. Baby is fully breastfed and our older one is having a daddy phase and is currently refusing to be put to bed by me. I’m just not really sure how I’m going to manage this and I’m really not looking forward to it.

I have asked DH if he minds just going to one ‘part’ of the wedding, either weekend one or weekend two, but it turns out he very much does mind and wants to go to both. I think he’s being unfair. Is he?

AIBU to insist he only goes to one?

OP posts:
TryingAgainAgainAgain · 23/05/2024 09:37

YANBU, he's being a selfish prick, but it sounds like you already know that,

NoMoreOatieBars · 23/05/2024 09:36

Could he take a day or two off between the weekends to give you a break? I can understand why he doesn’t want to miss either celebration but there has to be some compromise on his side too.

crumblingschools · 23/05/2024 09:34

So how often does he currently get up for the toddler?

How often does he look after DC on his own?

nupnup · 23/05/2024 09:34

mrsbyers · 23/05/2024 09:29

These threads always make me wonder how single parents manage to cope

Same..

I think OPs husband is being a pleb, but I always wonder why a parent can't cope with their own children, for I'm guessing 4 non consecutive days.

Velvian · 23/05/2024 09:34

@mrsbyers , OP had a baby 4 months ago and she is is not a single parent. If she were a single parent, she would be in a routine that didn't account for another parent in the house.

Original poster
DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:31

This reply has been deleted

We decided to take this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

And his behaviour is my fault?

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 23/05/2024 09:29

These threads always make me wonder how single parents manage to cope

DaisyChain505 · 23/05/2024 09:29

This reply has been deleted

We decided to take this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

Original poster
DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:27

Thanks to all for the responses, they’re all helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:26

CountingCrones · 23/05/2024 09:12

Then you have bigger problems than the wedding weekends

Show quote history

I don’t think so.

I said he wouldn’t do this to highlight that he wouldn’t do what he’s expecting me to do. And as I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to manage them both alone for two weekends in a row, I wouldn’t expect him to do it either.

It’s the hypocrisy of insisting that it’ll be easy for me, while he’d tell you himself that he wouldn’t want to do it.

OP posts:
S00tyandSweep · 23/05/2024 09:20

It's either completely reasonable and he would cover childcare in the same way for you, or it's unreasonable because he wouldn't do the same for you - he can't have it both ways.

He has to pick.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 23/05/2024 09:19

DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:09

I have expressed similar to him. This would just never happen. He just wouldn’t.

Show quote history

You don't give him the option. Men are very good at pretending they can't possibly be solely responsible for their own children. When your baby is no longer being breastfed they will both be a bit older and less hands on work required. He will be absolutely capable of looking after them for a weekend while you go away somewhere with friends. You don't need his permission. He hasn't asked for yours.

I wouldn't like to miss a family event like this. I'm quite close to my cousins. So I would let him go. Do whatever it takes to get you through the weekend - normal rules and routines go out the window at this time! - and down the road you just inform once you've planned your weekend away.

Women can be their own worst enemies. By doing most of the heavy lifting with small children we're subtly reinforcing that belief that men can't possibly do it like we do. Your husband will be more than capable of looking after them. They won't starve and they won't break. They mightn't be washed or dressed and might have a weekend of toast and cereal but they'll survive!

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 23/05/2024 09:16

@DuckBilledPlatypus3 like other posters I think you should view your husband's behaviour as indicative of how he views you and potentially start to take steps to be less dependent on him even if your relationship survives it's not bad thing to increase and be seen to increase your independence even if it's a longer term goal

PoppingTomorrow · 23/05/2024 09:15

DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:09

I have expressed similar to him. This would just never happen. He just wouldn’t.

Show quote history

Then this is the problem. It's not about the wedding

Solidlump · 23/05/2024 09:13

Totally agree with you.
He is being unfair and selfish.
I really despair about the way the modern overkill as regards wedding causes so much anguish and real problems for so many people. We have people having multiple stag/ hen dos and now the latest thing is the couple having two ceremonies.
I would have hoped your DH would have more love and respect and care for you and his two very young children and put your needs and welfare as his priority.

TotalDramarama24 · 23/05/2024 09:13

Yes of course you are being unreasonable if you insist on stopping your DH from going to two parts of a wedding. You can manage looking after your own two children for two weekends, yes it will be hard work but it's just two children for a set amount of time. You can manage.

Original poster
DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:13

TidyDancer · 23/05/2024 09:11

Can anyone else come and help you? Family or friends nearby etc? Or you travel with him for one of the weekends so you're not alone the whole time.

I don't think he's being unfair but I would try to get some help if you feel you would find things difficult.

I could ask my mum, I’m not sure she’d be very up for it though, which is completely fair enough. If he does go to both, which is the current plan, I think, I probably will ask her nearer the time.

OP posts:
CountingCrones · 23/05/2024 09:12

DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:09

I have expressed similar to him. This would just never happen. He just wouldn’t.

Show quote history

Then you have bigger problems than the wedding weekends

TidyDancer · 23/05/2024 09:11

Can anyone else come and help you? Family or friends nearby etc? Or you travel with him for one of the weekends so you're not alone the whole time.

I don't think he's being unfair but I would try to get some help if you feel you would find things difficult.

BonifaceBonanza · 23/05/2024 09:11

Ok so @DuckBilledPlatypus3 it looks like your problem isn’t actually with the events on 2 consecutive weekends is it?

There are other general problems going on for you which is why this matters so much?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/05/2024 09:10

Then just tell him no. And if he goes anyway, then you just go anyway. 'Equality'

Faketanisapain · 23/05/2024 09:10

Can you arrange a weekend away with your family? Center Parcs is good for kids but tbh not brilliant but fun and with family help you’ll have a blast.

He said no to you going away in the future on your own! This is not looking good. I do question how women end up with men like this. Did he show any signs of being so selfish before you had 2 children with him?

Original poster
DuckBilledPlatypus3 · 23/05/2024 09:09

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/05/2024 09:08

Only if he agrees to give you two weekends away in the row while he handles everything for the kids as soon as your son isn't breastfeeding!
He could also pay for a babysitter to come and help you while he's away

I have expressed similar to him. This would just never happen. He just wouldn’t.

OP posts:
BonifaceBonanza · 23/05/2024 09:09

Of course YABU and very precious, if the events are two consecutive weekends and they are important to
him then that just can’t be helped.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/05/2024 09:08

And he can spend every night before he's away doing laundry meal prepping for you and the children making sure the house is spotless and do all the tidying etc when he gets back

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