To ask DH to only attend one of these wedding events?

Is people remembering she’s only 4 months post partum, I was still struggling physically and mentally at that point, it’s ok for woman to say they will find this tough and expect their partner not to party 2 weekends in a row.

Assuming OP also has cousins who might get married and have a 2 consecutive weekend wedding, if she came to Mumsnet and asked “AIBU to leave my partner parenting for 21 consecutive days and causing him stress”, I’m willing to bet you’d say she was unreasonable there too.

He can go to one wedding weekend like a normal person. The couple has chosen to have 2 wedding celebrations, surely there will be people not going to both because that’s quite a lot. And the bride and groom aren’t really likely to remember details of which cousins were at one vs both events. He got an invitation, not a summons.

It's really not about fairness. It's about supporting each other to do the things in life you really want to do, to engage with the world. It's not a competition.

So, you're a mother, you'll rise to the occasion. It's not that hard and I know because I've done it plenty of times for weeks at a time, because we had to. The laundry might be piled up, there may be takeaways, mess, pjs might feature more often than not... but who cares, it's not for long. Support him gracefully and don't feel slighted. You're a team, not a drama club.

Twice in a lifetime event. Two weekends.

Then you are NBU, but this is an issue you need to deal with completely separate to the wedding issue, I'm afraid.

I’m going to assume you genuinely think you can’t cope and ask you, is that really true?

The fact is, if he were laid low with the flu or in hospital you’d just have to cope or find ways to do so. Perhaps if you started thinking about all the ways you can make it easier it would feel more manageable. At the moment because this is a choice, you’re just leaping to the ‘don’t go, it’s not fair’ option.

I don’t want to go so far as to say you are being unreasonable, but in reality, you should also be able to cope with looking after both of your children for what are relatively short periods of time. If you really worry you can’t, why is that? Sleep deprivation is awful but you’ll get through it.

I don’t think it’s great that your husband has such an unsympathetic attitude, but I suggest you sit down with him and get creative about how you can make those two weekends easier for you. If that means cooking or buying in easy food in advance, making sure the house is spotlessly clean before he goes each time, with him, obviously contributing to the work of that, and having no other tasks that you also have to handle, I’m pretty sure you can manage all of this.

If all you gonna have to do is care for your children and put together some extremely easy meals, or even do things like go out for breakfast with them, I think it will all be okay. And then obviously when he’s back on the next weekend comes up and he can take the lion share of the childcare and you can have some time for yourself to rest or see friends or whatever it is that would make you feel happy.

why should I do more? Because these family events are obviously important to him.

id treat it as a pay it forward scenario, surely he would do the same for you once you’re not in the breastfeeding stage.

and I don’t see why you can’t have a break for 21 days straight? I imagine it’s not so much the break from the newborn you need as you’re breastfeeding you can’t get long breaks anyway. But organise an evening out with your friends each week to get a breather from the toddler dinner/bath/bed routine. Make your husband get up early a few mornings so you get some sleep ins and are well rested before he goes away.

If these events are so important to him, surely you guys can problem solve this together?

@Wanna17 you're clearly with an inept man, I'd say I feel sorry for you but I don't. Don't call me a POS because my DH is capable, use your energy to get your partner in order.

Anyone that can't leave their DCs with their own father without, cleaning the house top to bottom, making all the meals, etc is a fool and a martyr.

I love the way you've gone through the thread picking out all the comments you don't like and commenting on them.

Make you feel better did it?

Another one who doesn't want to be helpful and just wants to brag 🙄🥱

You're a patronising pos aren't you? Must be hard to see properly up on that high horse 🙄 silly mare

😂😂😂🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Well i remember having these exact issues myself. And do you know what. When the boys were a little older say 1 and 3 I went away for a 2 nighter even though he insisted he cpuld not cope and said kids need their mum not dad etc etc, and when I came back my whole relationship changed for the better
First he was amazed how well ge coped and really proud of himself and second he was verh appreciative of me, saying I see how much you do now. I would let him go but bank those as owed nights away and save for later.

This.

Other issues aside, of course you can cope. Women do the world over by themselves 24/7. You might not want to but you can.

So why do you think that way then?

The real unreasonableness here is the couple getting married expecting people to give up 2 full weekends. Surely they could have made the intimate ceremony and the party on the same weekend 🙄.

YANBU to ask him to only attend one, sounds like he just wants 2 weekends away from the kids/responsibilities to me. Most people wouldn't want to attend a wedding alone, never mind 2....

YANBU! You have a four month old baby and a toddler.

I don't think he should go to either of the wedding ceremonies tbh until the childen are a bit older unless you have extensive family help.

And yes I was a single mum - to a baby and a toddler.

I think it’s worth noting that the youngest is 4 months old! We have a crazy culture in this country where women are supposed to just suck it up and get on with things with zero other support even when they have two tiny kids. My partner went on a long weekend stag do in Dublin when my youngest was 2 months old and my eldest was 4 but he arranged for his parents to stay the weekend at mine (and they are properly helpful with cooking, cleaning, childcare etc). And I’m so glad they did as my eldest came down with a vomiting bug in the middle of the first night and if I’d been dealing with that by myself with also a screaming newborn I’d have lost my mind. Obviously I could have done it, but the point is in a partnership you’d hope the other was empathetic and concerned enough to try and make your life as easy as possible. I think going to both events is unnecessary personally and it’s a shame he’s not hearing you 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely not being unreasonable. I wouldn't be keen on this either. The unreasonable people here are the cousins demanding TWO weekends of people's time and not allowing their kids.

Hi @DuckBilledPlatypus3 you’re not being unreasonable, of course not. You’re four months post partum looking after two kids and the prospect of a long 21d without another adult to help meaningfully can be really scary.

Ignore the old hands on here who tell you to pull your socks up, be greatful you’re not a single parent, ill, or anything else as silly.

I remember this feeling of panic so well, and now mine are a bit bigger I’d wave off DH with a smile knowing those 21d will mean a much cleaner and calmer house! But while on Mat leave things are different, your world is smaller, and these things are huge stressors.

Could I suggest you go with him, book into a b&b nearby for one or both of the weekends. He can go be sociable (maybe even you could go for an hour and he could look after the kids!) and can come back to stay with you in the accommodation. That way you have the support, and he gets to attend all the activities he needs.

I did something very similar when attending a child free wedding with a 1m old, and a family member came and stayed with me in the accommodation allowing me to pop in and out of the wedding. I would frame this as a how can we make it work for us all (four of you) not how will I manage when you go off and leave us to it.

good luck - there will be many more compromises like this and sometimes DHs need it plainly to understand.

You may get a martyr and do all that, some of us have equal relationships with capable men.

Men they don't want to treat like a child.

Try it, it's very liberating.

Yes! I know someone who leaves labelled frozen meals if she goes away!!! If I were leaving anyone with two little ones I would help them prepare.

@bananaramaterry a man wouldn't need to say it to a woman, precisely because if she did leave the hiusband at home with all the kids she would do all the prep to help him out (and ensure the kids are well fed and dressed) without him being asked or even thinking ahead about that.

Maybe you just have to suck it up and cope for a couple of days, let the 2 yr old eat snacks, watch tv whatever it takes to get thru it. I’m a single mum, my son woke several times a night until he was 4.5 yrs due to sleep apnea, I don’t have help and just got on with it. What if something happened and your dh was taken into hospital you would have to just get on with it then. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s only a couple of days. If your dh doesn’t help out much generally then that’s something maybe you need to speak to him about

I get it - I have been there. But I also grew up in a household where my mum lived away from her own mum and sister, had two DC under 5 and my dad was away for up to six months at a time (military). So I am also of the mindset that yes, it will be a challenge and yes, you'll manage - hence the 50/50 split on the vote, I guess.

It sounds horrendous 😂 I don't think you're being unreasonable but it seems like it's really important to him so I do understand both sides. Could you get a bit of family support over those days? Maybe decide to book in something for yourself in the future where you get a proper break?