Am I being too harsh - timekeeping?

TBH I’m a good timekeeper in general but I on the occasions where I’m not, when it comes to family, I wouldn’t appreciate being told off like a naughty child. If it’s at work, fair enough, but when it comes to family I give Grace (because I understand life gets in the way) and I expect grace back.

She didn’t ask you to wait for her, you weren’t on your own, your day wasn’t disrupted, you just didn’t get as much time with her.

I could just never imagine sitting there seething when I got my lunch in time because someone was a bit late. Isn’t life too short to be that annoyed at your siblings?

Well that’s Xmas and bdays sorted, just buy her a clock each time until she can show up on time - time blindness sounds like a slight tint of something, it’s not it’s f…..g rude!

She is prioritising other stuff over your plans. Maybe it was important to be in another town or maybe it wasn't. I would just stick to your plans and when you've finished your coffee/lunch leave. Don't waste your time hanging around.

She makes arrangements with you then says you don't need her there. Next time say no, we don't need you there so you're not invited.

This. I wouldn't bother asking her in future

I think after all this time you know she will be late. Just carry on with your plans and let her turn up when she wants. It’s her that’s missing out but she doesn’t seem bothered and is happy for you to carry on without her. She’s not going to change now so accept the way she is and get on with life. She does actually turn up each time which shows she wants the contact. You are making her problem your problem and there’s really no need

She can be on time when she wants to be.

Says it all.

She's being rude and she doesn't care how her behaviour affects other people's plans or time. It's all about her. Hence her annoyance with you when you weren't at hers at a particular time once --- even with warning that you couldn't be there for another hour.

Stop catering to it and just do what you want to do when you want to do it.

You are not harsh.

You are being far too soft. Time for tough love, no more meeting up at all unless say a funeral or some other life event. Maybe after a couple of years reconsider.

You are allowing her to be like this

Tell her what the plan is, if she’s not there, tough, carry on without her

I r overthinking it, she turned up, don’t make a fuss over nothing.
u say u think she has adhd it’s very common to have bad timekeeping.

My Mum and sister suffer time blindness and i tell them the meet up time or party time etc 1 hour earlier than they actually are and it works out for me , they have no idea and it takes the stress away.

Some people you can trust to be on time some you can’t, is it really worth the relationship with your sister? She hasn’t asked you to wait on her ultimately she is the one losing out.

Yanbu but I think some answers here are a bit extreme, she’s op’s sister, she can’t never do anything with her ever again!!!!!

But that's just not true. The OP says they originally said 11.30, sister said that didn't work for her, so they agreed on 12.30. Sister arrived at 1.20.

Also that they had agreed to meet in a cafe at 3pm, they called her at 3.45 and she was in a different town, arrived at 4.45.

Those were specific plans which she chose to disregard.

The 2 examples you have given, you haven't given specific times to eat at restaurants. People with adhd don't tend to do too well with vague plans. It might help to be very specific and say 'we're meeting at 3 ish at the shops for a look around if you can make it, but we need to be at the restaurant at 4 by the absolute latest - can you make that - yes or no? '

In the future I'd just continue with your plans and if she arrives great, if not, then you're not inconvenienced.

I know people like this and as soon as I stop waiting for them, I stopped getting annoyed and they suddenly arrived on time, as knew they would be left behind. 😂 Win. Win.

I'd stop arranging to meet her if I were you. She has no regard whatsoever for you, down to the fact that she doesn't even apologise when she's late, or send you a text letting you know beforehand.

Either stop making plans to see her, or if you continue, just get on with whatever you were planning & accept she may turn up at some point, but it's not likely to be anywhere near the time you arranged.

You can’t change her, so it’s probably worth changing your own expectations of her if you want to have a relationship with her.

I actually think what you did was perfect

• clear boundary re finishing time which you didn’t shift,
• you and your dm enjoyed the earlier part of the day rather than trying to squeeze to her schedule/timings.
• went to the restaurant and texted her to join you

I heard it described once that we use a generic user manual and get frustrated when the person isn’t operating as described. So you have to add notes to the margin. In your dsis’ case those would be
• terrible time keeping
• rude
• thoughtless
• gaslighting

Obviously it’s up to you whether you want to keep making an effort but if you do, lower your expectations to match how she actually is, rather than what the generic user model predicts.

Don't "carry on without her", just stop inviting her in the first place. She's got a right brass neck about it, it's not that she's desperately trying to be on time and the world is conspiring against her, it's just that she doesn't give a fuck about being there or not being there and doesn't think it's in any way important.

She is not going to change, so just stop making plans with her because you know she'll let you down.

she has no watch or clock in her house

Why not? It is clear that she has no intention of making any effort to change.

I agree that you either stop making plans with her or you make plans and start on time and just carry on without her. How does she get her child to school on time?

I get increasingly irritated by people using neurodiversity as an excuse for poor behaviour.

This. I do it all the time with my sister, who lives in a parallel universe where everything is about an hour later than it is in the real world😂

She once agreed to take me to test drive a second hand car at an agreed time with the seller- I'm disabled and need an automatic plus a few other specific features that means suitable cars are quite few & far between, so I was very keen to try this one out. she was so late that by the time we'd got there someone else had test driven & bought it. I was furious.

But she was very apologetic and I love her dearly, so nowadays I just tell her to be there at least 30 mins before we actually need to meet. It usually works!

Yes it rude but she's not upset about you carrying on without her. Save yourself the stress, make plans and just carry on if she's late. I wouldn't even contact her when you move on from where she expectd to find you. If she can't be bothered to notify you when she's running late and says she wouldn't be upset if you just carried on then take her at her word.

She sounds like a hypocritical arsehole after that update about the BBQ! I would just get on with things without her.

Make your plans, stick to them and tell her to join you if and when she can.
She's told you that's fine with her so don't make it a drama by expecting more from her.