Am I being too harsh - timekeeping?

I'm not sure - can't remember the exact details. She rejoined the cruise at a later point and I think, though not sure, the travel company in the UK helped but I do know she had to fork out extra money for a hotel on land and for onward transportation to meet up with the ship.

I have ADHD and I hate the thought of waiting for people and I hate the thought of people waiting for me!

So once we agree a time - if I think I am going to be late even 10mins I will text them. I also have a habit of texting people when I am leaving - I do that because my poor time management makes me feel concerned I might realise when I am driving that I have miscalculated the travel time - so I tell them the time I am leaving and if I have miscalculated my timing - they can usually work out themselves what time I will roughly be there.

How did she get out of that pickle @dicokno?

We have a family member like this. Nothing worked. So we just said things like the meal is at 12.30 and that's when we'll be eating. Then if she wasn't there on time we just started without her. She often showed up to family parties hours late - she was extremely disorganized and constantly faffed and that was the major part of the problem. She never allowed enough time to get ready and get to a place on time because of the faffing. But she was so used to us enabling her by waiting for hours for her to show up that she never got any better so everyone agreed just to tell her the start time and then get on with it, with her or without her. That's what you should do with your sister. And none of this ringing her up to find out where she is. She knows the start time, if she can't get there, tough.
My relative got her act together when she went on a cruise once and failed to get back to the port on time and the ship left without her. She'd assumed they would check the passenger list and wait until everyone was onboard. Getting stranded in a port in a foreign country where she couldn't speak the language was the shock she needed to improve her timekeeping.

I don't think the OP is being rigid. She is just venting her frustration that her sister is always very late and never apologises.

That is not being rigid.

But she DID tell you to carry on without her and eat without her, what’s the problem?

sorry I hate rigid people

I have ADHD and whilst I have been late in the past (when I didn't know what I had and I've since learned how to manage it by giving myself extra time) I would never have been rude about it. In fact, I would be extremely apologetic. I would also have sent texts.

She may not even have ADHD, she might just genuinely believe her time is whatever she wants it to be regardless of other people.

It was the complete opposite for me. It caused me distress because I just couldn't get moving and I hated upsetting others and the stress of being late was awful so I never chose it, I just didn't understand how to manage myself back then.

Your sister just sounds selfish to me.

She isn’t “gaslighting” you - gaslighting would be if she turned up and claimed you’d agreed to meet her at 1.20 not 12.30 in an attempt to make you doubt your own sanity.

Apart from that YANBU.

I have ADHD and really struggle with timekeeping but ADHD does not stop me from understanding the effect it has on others if I am late. I have various strategies to try and help with my timekeeping and if I do end up being late then I let people know asap and apologise.

ADHD affects timekeeping but it does not make you rude and self centred. That’s on her.

My sisters isn’t quite as bad as this but she deems herself to be ‘on time’ if it’s within half an hour of the agreed time, really winds me up!

My DPIL were poor timekeepers. They would also get caught up in the moment AKA they got a better offer.

One time they were due to visit for the afternoon. We had cleaned and tidied in anticipation. They eventually rolled up at around 6pm. The son of an old neighbour had called round and they had got chatting and ignored the time.

On another occasion they were coming to us for dinner. They arrived on time but had been out for lunch and were not interested in the dinner cooked for them.

They never intended to be rude.

I had a friend like this and I'd take it personally and it would stress me out.

A few years ago I decided simply not to 'care' about it any longer so I just now go about my business and if she's late, she's late. I have on occasions offered to take her dd to school when she's been unable to do so, she kept turning up late, which in turn made my dd late and me late for school. She knew what time I left so I just started to leave at that time, with or without her.

Your example of the coffee shop would now see me leaving when I've finished, even if it's before she arrives or 5 mins after she's arrived. In your shoes if she pulls you up on it, simply say 'that's a you problem', actually I'd use this phrase for her in general. BBQ - it's a you problem, but I've only just got here and you're leaving - it's a you problem.

I'd just be careful to manage your dd's expectations and tell her that auntie x might be joining us.

Give her a clock?

Either stop inviting her.

Or do as she says and carry on with your day. But tell her slightly different plans than you have. Don't tell her you're planning to move on somewhere etc. don't text her when you move on and don't reply if she texts to ask where you are until you get home.

Then respond "oh sorry just seen this. I was getting on with my afternoon. I'm Home now"

You won't change someone or their attitude. But you can change your response to it and your response to her.

I often find when someone then tries to hold me to account to standards they won't adhere to repeating back their manga helps. So in the BBQ situation I'd have responded. "It's fine. I'm sure you can get on with your day without me here".

Aside from unforeseen emergencies, people are generally late for things they don't perceive to be of value or importance and it's a subconscious way of saying so, without actually saying so.

She's your sister!!! Can you sit down and talk to her like sisters should without biting her head off... can she afford all these things? Is she skipping them and coming later for any other reason?

I understand its frustrating for you and I would invite her to important things at an earlier time than you need her to be there.

You state yourself you know what she's like.. I have friends who are always late... its become a running joke.. and I love them for it. they totally expect us all to just start whatever it is without them..truth is I'd rather them turn up late than not to come at all.

Ultimately would you rather she turned up late or not to see her at all?

You never know what's going on with people and I personally never expect anyone with kids to be able to 100% commit to a set time... because let's face it kids don't care what time we need to be at something.

There's no background here either is she a single mum.. or does the majority wuth the kids herself... all these things make being on time for stuff difficult.

She's not doing it to you intentionally ..its not personal.. she might just be flaky ..she says carry on without her, do just that! And when she turns up be happy and grateful to see her...maybe she'd enjoy turning up more of she didn't get told off everytime 🤷‍♀️

I'm not trying to say your feelings aren't just, you feel how you feel. But you can't expect other people to change you can only change how you react to it. And you sound like you'd be much happier being a little more easy going with her.

A couple of years for poor time management 🫨

I understand op is upset and its a reoccurrence with her sister but she has claimed they are close... we can't expect everyone to be the same as us even if they are siblings..

I'm assuming you must either be an inly child or speak to none of your family anymore

Don’t invite her anywhere again. And when she asks why- tell her because she is totally incapable of being on time for anything. Even ND people can develop strategies for being on time.
My bil is like this. Several times I’ve been with OH when we’ve picked him up to go somewhere and we can be waiting outside his house for 20 mins on him coming out. I’ve told my OH countless times I don’t understand why he doesn’t just drive away. He’d soon learn it’s beyond rude and unacceptable.

Rude - my sister is like this, seems to think its ok to leave me sitting around waiting.

Last time, she and a friend were due to come here for a coffee and a catch up, she knew I had work at 2pm, she said they'd be here at 12. She then calls on the day at 12.15 to say they're just finishing up breakfast and will be right over... They showed up at 1.45 and she seemed most put out when I logged into work and had to ignore them to talk to service users (fortunately no calls or I'd have had to shoo them out of the room!).

Don't meet up with her - tell her when you invite her, it is because you want her there for the whole thing, not her popping in for the last 15 minutes, and so either she shows up on time or she doesn't bother coming at all, and you won't be inviting her so often in future.

She isn't gaslighting btw - she may be minimising the effect this has on you and how rude it is, but gaslighting is things like, pretending you had always planned to meet up at the time she arrived, or that she never agreed to show up at the time you expected her.

You need to find a way to make this manageable for you. You can't change her.

Things you could try-

Telling her an earlier meet time. Particularly if she's coming to yours.

Only make arrangements where it doesn't matter if she doesn't show. Give her ten minutes then continue with your day.

Stop inviting her to group activities

I hate poor timekeeping. I have a newish friend. I've met up with her maybe seven times and every.single.time she's text me after I've left home to say she'll be late.

The one other time I picked her up from her house at a pre arranged time and she wasn't ready. I had to sit in her kitchen whilst she scurried sound for half an hour getting ready. Why? It's not that hard. If you know you're disorganised start getting ready earlier. I don't feel like I know her well enough yet to say anything but I will soon.

If she does have ADHA you will never win this battle op.

After reading your thread, I am going to make a bigger effort to be early.

Firstly
..yes she should say sorry. But...it sounds as if she has some underlying issue with self worth. You said more than once that she said "you don't need me". Maybe she is thinking you are inviting her out of obligation not genuine affection. Her self esteem could do with a perk up I feel. Doe she meet up with and friends? Is she ontime for them. Does she get her children to school on time?
It sounds as if she is a bit depressed, rather than shun and blame, seek to understand. Does she show any other signs of low self esteem? Any signs of withdrawal from people????

Yes, I think she has ADHD, and no, that's not actually what gas lighting is. Seems like you are setting yourself up for this so you can play the martyr. Just carry on with your day, like she says. Why do you need to reprimand her. She does this all the time yet you decided to walk the streets until she was ready to join you? Why did you do that? Just go and eat your brunch.

@Misthios read this again. Where does it say they agreed to meet at a restaurant at 12.30 please?

I said I needed to be home at 2.45pm so suggested we meet at 11.30am to give us a couple of hours to browse the shops and eat. She said she was dropping her DD to dance at 12.10 and would be over then. It's about 15-20 drive from the class so I was expecting her about 12.30.

Maybe give her a window of time that you will be available eg. 11.30 until 1.30. Don't pay any attention to her being late, just stick to your own plans. If she turns up at 1.20 and you have to leave 10minutes later that will be the consequences to her actions without you having to say anything directly to her. If she asks you to stay longer say "no, you are leaving at 1.30 as you originally said you would"
After a few times of doing this you may find she starts to get better with time keeping without you mentioning to her.

Just as an aside however... from somebody who works with neurodivergent people... it may not necessarily be that she can "be on time when she wants". It's more likely that she doesn't feel the need to mask around you and so is probably less stressed getting ready to meet you than getting ready to meet someone else. That's not to say that you shouldn't enforce those boundaries still, just wanted to give another perspective.