Am I being too harsh - timekeeping?

I'm a bit late to this thread (appropriately enough), but just wanted to add that I've a friend who claims to have ADHD (self-diagnosed) who is so awful with time that she tries to avoid committing to meeting times in advance and prefers to juggle things on the day. This means I can't organise the rest of my day until she gets in touch. I find this distracting and unsettling.

I think her logic is that she wants the meeting time to be agreed just as she is finally ready since that means she won't be late. There's a certain mad logic there, you must agree.

I have got wise to this and press her to agree meeting times in advance but it doesn't always work. What I have found effective is to give hard end times rather than hard start times, so that the duration of the meeting is on her eg I'll be there at 3pm, but I have to leave at 4pm, so if she wants a full hour with me she needs to organise that. I think her FOMO kicks in.

I usually need some external reason for my hard end time though, as she doesn't respect or believe it otherwise.

It has really tested our friendship at times, and has become a tense subject. It also makes me doubt myself, as I worry whether I am being uptight and unreasonable; or that I might lose her friendship if I set firm boundaries.

She teases me about being so exacting and inflexible but the fact is, she's the only friend I have to be this firm with. Everyone else seems to get that when two adults want to see each other, they agree a time and respect it.

I think she would prefer every meeting to be an all-day drop-in, so she can turn up whenever, but I have other commitments.

Wasn't sure if that was a reply for Mr. I said rise above it as I'm the same ,if like me she doesn't like being late as my anxiety goes up the wall but it happens everytime .As for work I had 9 children worked all my life finding it so hard but my son got knocked down at age 10 2% chase of survival. He was a new born baby state when he came out of the coma and back in nappies, I had another boy with severe adhd , brain management disfunction and border personality disorder .and my youngest is autistic so I had to go on benefits for a while I lost a son and daughter aswell so 7 kids left at home it was hard no help but I did it ones a paramedic ones a manager in british gas the rest apart from one who is blind do hotel jobs .my son now does all the neighbours gardens and all his families and I dis it late all the time with severe adhd ,arthritis, needing a new knee ,extreme asthma and insomnia 2 hours if im lucky .I turned into a alcoholic but overcome that and been in recovery for a long time ,no drink passes my lips with alcohol. In it .I'm proud I have done it if im late im late, if I miss a meal it's my loss .unfortunately my daughter on the ambulance has the late trait and yes learnt behaviour,I just tell her we are going 30 mins early but then I'm late too .we shouldn't have to apologise for being who we are with issues

I have a family member like this. It is known family wide that when making arrangements, we tell this family member at least 30 minutes before (more if not local) the actual planned start time. Needs must.

and ill change for no-one.

Because you don't want to or you can't?

When you say it's over your head it implies that you don't make any effort to try and be on time. How do you manage to work?

@Rumors1 so she doesn't work and has a housekeeper. What does she do all day?

She won't apologise for her lateness and goes NC with someone who calls her out on it. She sounds very selfish and self entitled.

I've actually enjoyed reading all these comments as I know ppl think and say the same about me but it's over my head ,difference is I'm always full of apologies, I almost missed a flight last month but it will never change and I've had all the therapy going to no avail.i know it drives people crazy but you can't help what you are and ill change for no-one. I feel for you I really do but as I said before ,enjoy time with your mum,only wish I could ,live is too short to take on other people's issues x

Lateness irritates me, more so if I have to call/text to why someone isn't where I expected them to be. There's nothing wrong with your request that she update you if she's going to be late - it's called being considerate knowing that you're waiting and your time is as valuable as hers.

In future, only make plans with her where her arrival time isn't important - do whatever you're doing and just assume she'll turn up eventually. She may change if her time-keeping means she misses out on something she'd have enjoyed, but whether she does or not is up to her. Her not responding to your calls makes me think the lateness is a control thing or her trying to make herself more significant to the day's events, which is another reason why you shouldn't let her lack of consideration get to you.

Just work around her if she doesn't turn up her loss ,I do apologise its my middle name ! Don't make a issue might be what she's hoping for and the only one getting wound up is you ,just let it go and time woth your mum x

Just read through most of these comments and to be honest we all have different opinions. I've never been not asked again due to my lateness ,severe adhd with ocd ,anxiety and ptsd does not go well .I was up at 6am for a appointment at 9am ,got there 9.10 but all good intentions of getting there on time ,I also have a adult son with a brain injury who is exactly the same as me and before anyone throws in learnt behaviour his brain injury left him with 2% of survival so I've been told its that ,double checking etc .I apologise to those who say bullshit etc but if anyone thinks I actually enjoy being late I don't it sends my anxiety up the wall.Maybe just be glad ypu have a sister and allow for what she does xx

I’m pretty sure I have ADHD (undiagnosed), with people I feel comfortable with I can often run late (only 5-10 mins), but always ring them, apologise profusely (even if I’m on time, but think I’ll be late) or text them doing the same.

Your sister is just rude and inconsiderate, don’t give her an excuse for it. The being late is one thing, but the disrespect and lack of apology is another. She sounds like an entitled, conceited person.

If you have to meet up with her tell her an hour earlier than you want her. Or, turn the tables, be an hour or two late to her house one time when she has invited you over.

I live with an always late adhd partner and the gaslighting is normally due to shame and defensiveness.
If you have lived a life where you are always inadvertently doing something wrong, you have to find coping and survival mechanisms. Often a way to protect yourself from shame, disappointment, disapproval is to deflect or underplay it.
Try looking up conversations tips for people with adhd. I find open conversations where you take the blame and shame out if it can be most effective at finding a way through. Also the way through may well not be what you want, I.e. being on time or texting. It could be that you just get on with your day/plans, get over feeling frustrated, and your ds will join whenever she arrives.

I spent years covering my DC poor time keeping and mental health issues with excuses. The change of plan suggests DD didn't go to Dance Class to me...

Well she is me ,I usually charge in full of apology but I frustrate everyone but myself so I can't really comment 🙈

She’s rude and it sounds very annoying. I’d avoid plans in future!

Maybe she’s broke and can’t afford it but won’t say.

She may have adhd

You can cope with this. Continue to include her in things, tell her the timing, if she isn't there carry on without her. It's not as if she's complaining about you not waiting for her. This is no reason to fall out with a sister, and there's really no need for a 'diagnosis'.

I think you may be overreacting a tad. You know how she is but love her just the same. Lower your expectations and you won't be disappointed.

I would just continue with my plans as discussed.
I wouldn't make her problem mine that's for sure.

Fuck her. I'd just stop making arrangements with her full stop.

At some point you have to accept people for who they are. And she is criminally late and doesn’t care. That’s ok.

glad you are a sister you are totally entitled to call her on her shit. Your mom should be too. And you should! Especially your mom. Momming doesn’t end at 18.

she has also told you not to wait. Glad you don’t. But don’t stress about her or count on her. Just get on with your day.

@Nn9011 but you would contact the person you are meeting to say that you were running late. Wouldn't you?

The sister may well have ADHD, but she also shows a complete lack of consideration towards the OP.

Do you set alarms to remind you of the time?
How do you manage to get to places on time when time is really important?

I completely empathise that this is really frustrating and I understand that if feels like she's being rude. That said, I really want to encourage you to consider how you would feel if it was that your sister couldn't walk long distances or she had another physical disability.

ADHD is a disability and time blindness is part of that. If your sister is undiagnosed then this will no doubt be even more difficult. I was diagnosed in my early 30s with ADHD and I really struggle with being on time. It's embarrassing, shameful and I try so many different things to avoid it but I haven't found the right aid yet.

Please have some grace for your sister and talk to her about how you can maybe work around it. Perhaps you give her an earlier time to arrive or when you make plans it's for days where it isn't vitally important to be ready at a specific time.

There's no right answer and you're entitled to your feelings but please do some research on how to help people with ADHD, this will hopefully help your relationship and help your sister.

I was "late" once to her house for a BBQ. I say "late" in inverted commas, because I told her I would be an hour late when she gave the invitation. She forgot and went through me when I arrived for being late. After I explained I had forewarned her about my arrival time, I said - well now you know how I feel every time we meet up.

Her attitude here changes everything.

I don’t think this sounds like poor time-keeping. I have ADHD and struggle to be on time but that’s not through lack of trying. Your DS doesn’t sound like she’s trying and failing to get to you on time. To me, she sounds like she can’t be arsed to meet up with you, like with that hot chocolate thing you describe.

I wouldn’t bother inviting her. I’d just make her aware in a more casual way, eg “Mum and I are meeting at 12 for lunch. Come along if you’d like to” then just get on with your meal. You might even find that if she thinks she’s missing out or you’re not bothered if she’s there or not, she actually becomes more punctual.