Manipulated by women that “can’t”

I think there are two things at play -

1. Some people's menopause is tougher than others.

1. At our age we know yourselves better than we did when we were younger and we have a better idea of what we will and won't put up with. Some of those can'ts are actually won'ts. Its not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you should try it too.

Answer is 'I can't parent you' @Mistressofpemberly Or just no, won't help with this or you'll never be able to do it all by yourself.

Most (if not all) of the high flying, professional women I know are confident to say what they don't want to put up with in life. They don't say they can't do x, y or z, they might way they don't want to and therefore won't. Don't be manipulated OP by friends or colleagues

I knew a woman whose husband used to fill up her car with petrol for her because she couldn't manage it and he did absolutely everything for her, driving, home admin, all of the arrangements for everything. She never worked.
He went on a walking holiday and had a heart attack and died.
6 months later unable to manage life at all she jumped off a cliff to her death.
It was a devastating waste of a life. I can't help thinking if she's taken control of her life she'd be alive still living a good life.

As I get older I tend to put my foot down at doing things I know are not for me, so for instance DH would like me to drive the motorhome he wanted us to get and I didn't, as that would make his life easier, but I would absolutely hate it so I don't.

I've also stopped pandering to other people. So for our group holiday one person seems vaguely startled by the 21st century so doesn't like booking flights online. I just keep very silent and if someone else wants to do her admin for her, well good for them.

In the examples you gave OP, I'd just be taking a step back and saying oh that's a shame, well I hope you come up with a solution.

In most situations you could reply "I can't either" - unless it is a genuine anxiety thing or other reason and you want to help.

I remember once I said to a colleague that I couldn't find the telephone number for Toni and Guy and she came and found it for me and said she didn't understand how a successful professional who was right there with her job (her words not mine) could be so useless at other things. She was right about some things, I was useless at them, but that particular thing, I didn't mean I couldn't, I meant I didn't have time at that moment and probably wouldn't have time for the rest of the day and/or I had no headspace because I was so mown down by work. I remember looking at her vaguely listening as she found the number for me, mostly concentrating on what I was doing. Your colleagues might be "can't right now" people, or "don't want to right now" people or completely snowed under people? I don't think their rules for their lives should bother you at all, but at the same time I don't think you should feel you have to help them, or at least, not unless they really need it. Boundaries and strategies.

I have to agree with this. In my experience it’s my married friends who have become less competent at matters such as driving new places and managing their finances. Not to say my experience is universal of course

So you mean you are being ‘expected’ to do things because they ‘can’t’? That’s easy, just don’t! These things are their problem, don’t let them make them yours, they aren’t.

It's well known that people lose their fucks as they get older. 40 is famously the point where many women realise they have been people pleasing all their life and jack it in. The language of "I can't " is clearly factually inaccurate, it would be clearer to say "I don't want to" . But for right or wrong most people shy away from being that direct!

Yep, I've become very good at saying no since hitting 50. I'm also single and have been for a long time and I anm so fucking exhausted at always having to deal with everything on my own and not having anyone to support me, or even just make life a little easier by taking some of the mental load.

However, I cope because I don't have anyone to help me. I find that it's the women who have been in relationships for a long time who "can't" do things.

At the end of the day though, their lives are limited by this, and yours isn't.

It might annoy you... but they are worse off really.

Be glad that you can do these things and you have a richer life because of it.

I know lots like this, it gets on my tits it really does. I'm 62 and would never admit I can't do something simple and straightforward as a matter of principle.
My sibling has never driven on a motorway because she is scared to, so it's always me driving the 5 hours to see her. It's quite ridiculous. I've told her to get a driving instructor to give her a few motorway driving lessons but she won't.
It's even more embarrassing when people like this at work go and ask male staff to help them because they can't operate something or don't know how to book train travel in advance.

WTAF? Do you work with a bunch of petulant 5 year olds?!

I think I understand what you are getting at OP...

But really, as a more capable person, you are the one with the advantage.

Knowing how to do things/ being capable of doing things is a privilege that you have, and makes your life easier.

I would rather be in your position, than the position of the women having to ask for help.

Oh YYY to this!!!!!

I'll add expecting women in the office to clean up spilled coffee, etc, even if they're equal in seniority, and thinking they could get out of overtime for an important project "because I type too slowly".

In fact, in this particular case (the slow typing), why do you have the job you have if your typing isn't good? Did you think someone else would be doing your typing for you? Most women wouldn't even apply for the job this particular pole up the ass specimen had if their typing wasn't up to scratch.

There's a fine line between chutzpah and taking the piss.

Some of this is learned helplessness and/or increased fear of the world as they've got older - the airport, driving, directions etc

70+ seen some of this in my family - worst post covid when they stopped doing a lot- though often what's needed is some confidence boosting ie small steps or just talking though and making clear yes they can and will.

If it's 50 women could be perimenopauses anxiety based - but most women I know seek help like HRT or try and hide problems and worry in silence working out solutions - so power through rather than make it someone else's issue.

They're taking the piss.

Do they get performance reviews?

Can you remind them, with a smile, that they're smart, capable women and you know they'll be able to figure out a way to get to work on time/ get from point A to point B/ find their own seating...

Can you pretend you're ever so busy when they need to be minded?

Anyway OP I agree you should just say no to giving lifts or taking people from A to B. Unless they are visiting or foreigners, for whom I always take trouble.

Driving on motorways - a confidence issue, which drivers need to tackle.

Driving at night - completely different, particularly as you’re getting older. It’s an eyesight issue.

I think this is nonsense. Most women in their 50s are holding down jobs, looking after kids still at home and elderly relatives, running whole households and dealing with the menopause to boot. They are literally holding society together! If they won’t meet you halfway it’s probably because making that compromise would bring the whole house of cards falling down!

Sounds a bit like a couple I know. They both refuse to drive and embrace public transport or cycle or ubers. They are never asking for lifts and are very self sufficient

No perfume is a perfectly reasonable adjustment in a workplace.

It’s not reasonable to expect someone to leave a cafe, shop etc because of their perfume, especially if they were there first.

Again as others have said sounds like “won’t”, rather than can’t mostly. I distance myself from this nonsense so won’t be picking people up (l prefer to walk or get public transport anyway), if they can’t make it to the airport then they can’t go etc. I have never been great fan of woman (or men!) who are so lacking / embrace learned helplessness. Especially if they then think lm picking up their slack personally or professionally. Im not! I have enough of my own plates spinning with toddler twins, full time job, studying, peri-menopause and a recent rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis etc

Yes, I know a few women like this or with similar issues to OP's examples. Generally, I think it's fine... as long as they don't expect me to change things for them and I especially get annoyed when they're melting down because I want to take the tube or where they act all shocked if I am planning to travel alone in a foreign country or whatever.

I am from South Africa. Understandably, people often have some concerns about travelling or visiting. Which I'm totally fine with - ask the questions, do the research, decide what works for you - but it drives me mad when it gets excessive and I'm basically told I'm crazy for taking my children or driving there or whatever.