Manipulated by women that “can’t”

As you note, others don't experience this, and certainly I don't. Good luck with how you plan to tackle this.

The strong perfume (or other strong smells) is the only one I have some sympathy with.

Have you asked her outright?

I would be saying "Look, this is meant to be a holiday for both of us but how can it be when everything we do must be done your way for your convenience? Do you really think that its fair that your self imposed restrictions should also restrict me?"

OK you may fall out but if you do then is it really a loss as she obviously in that case cares more about her wants and preferences than your friendship.

My colleague was regularly hospitalised by pupils at school wearing strong deodorant/perfume. Her classes were all warned that they must not wear aerosol deodorant if they had her lesson that day. Close colleagues had to stop wearing perfume/aftershave. It is a serious allergy, if not a common one

I completely get you and have felt the same for much of my life Friends who can make efforts as needed are gold dust.

I have a friend who keeps asking me to wake her up in time to catch a flight because she sleeps through alarms. I always ignore her text. I think it comes from a desire to be babied like her mum used to do.

I was chatting to a lady Grace in her 60s, who has taken up with a mutual acquaintance, Henry an extremely practical widower. Henry's skills are legion. I heard Grace say her front lawn was like a field because she 'doesn't do electric things' e.g. a lawn mower or strimmer. My money is on my widower friend cutting her grass before the week is out. Gentle manipulation but manipulation all the same. OP, your friends are the same. Just tell your holiday mate you are going on the bus. If she doesn't like it, she can stay in the hotel.

My workPlace will not manage such people so I try to keep my head down and do what I can to make life bearable for the rest of us…

If they are professionals and not being "managed" the chances are they are good at their jobs/high billers/not seen as a problem - ime HR expect professionals to be able to manage sideways and upwards, so they may see this as something you could manage? I don't know, difficult to say without knowing your job. I made a comment upthread about how a colleague did something for me when I said I "couldn't" but NB I hadn't asked them to, or asked for help, I didn't mind but it was not incumbent upon them to step in - are you are taking on more than you should? Does their lateness directly impact on your work, and if so have you talked to them about it?

Add to this-the washing powder warriors 😂

Why do you have to "make life bearable for the rest of us" - making life bearable for other people at work is not your job. Don't do it, you'll just be irritated, not saying you are wrong to be irrtiated but if you don't see any of it as your problem to solve you will remove or reduce the irritation. Play bingo, silent cheer when they come out with the oh i can't.

Make life bearable for you, no one else. It's the choosing guilt or resentment choose guilt every time thing isn't it.

Well tbf I avoid driving at night. (I'm 66). My night vision is rubbish although my specs prescription is up to date and I've had two cataract ops. I just don't have very good vision in the dark.

Why did you feel you had to mention they were single? In my experience, people who are single are much less likely to say they cant do something, because they have no choice but do everything themselves.

No, I haven't come across this was a general thing. I have come across the odd woman in the workplace who is consciously unable to do things and that woman is always described admiringly by men as being like a man. Most women can do most things in my experience.

I often feel this way with certain friends/ family members I have.

My mum for example was a stay at home mum, learned to drive quite late in life, but was always terrified even of roundabouts, let alone motorways. She has anxiety about going anywhere far from home and couldn't do many of the practical things you mention. She relies on her husband completely.

It's frustrating at times because I wish she could have a better life and be more independent.

But really I mostly feel sorry for her. I'm so much more capable in so many ways. It's a privilege I have had in my life to not experience that kind of crippling anxiety, and to have built a resilient personality, and not to be trained to depend on a man.

I've been given all the tools and opportunities I need to be independent. Some people are not.

I'm thankful for that. And I don't begrudge her if she can't change a lightbulb or put air in her tyres.

"Examples following"

That was the irony.

Well it gave me a giggle anyway, although it clearly didn't crack your face 🤭

Maybe the female version of weaponised incompetence that overtime becomes a self fulfilling prophecy - if people do stuff for you all the time you don’t learn new skills and become unable to do things for yourself. Also a syndrome of being a “very important person” who can’t possibly manage the trivial day to day things.

I had a friend in my early 20’s like that - we went on a few foreign holidays together and it was exhausting- I had to arrange everything and do everything for her. She had always played up being a “helpless female” with guys and had them running errands for her and I think started to expect it from everyone and also made herself helpless by never learning to do things as a result. I made myself unavailable and no longer see her.

I was in one job where my work dealt with a lot of very middle class ladies - most of whom had rich partners, did not work conventional jobs (specific artistic industry) and had a lot of free time. The nature of their jobs meant that their diaries, travel and admin were done by other people but they then expected it from people who did not work with them (think offering to volunteer on a project and then asking people to manage their diaries, emails etc so taking up more time than doing the task without them). The helpless ladies in the group were highly intelligent and capable at many things but seemed to need a lot of help with simple tasks that they hadn’t had to do in a long time.

My mum has a incapable capable friend too - she is very well off and an “important” person in a very high powered job with lots of people doing stuff like managing her work diary, work travel etc… she flies internationally for work but my mum has to drive to collect her if she is visiting as she doesn’t drive and is anxious about taking a bus (less than an hour away). My mum is avoiding going on holidays with her as she has to organise everything (but while being given very strict criteria) and having to drive her friend everywhere. She is a lovely generous woman but god help us all when she retires and loses her PAs.

As someone pointed out it’s not just women who are like this, it’s a lot more common in men. I know quite a few men incapable of basic every day tasks whose partners end up having to organise everything - I would include my own partner in that!

Yes, a colleague of mine’s throat would close up if someone wore perfume in the car share. This is definitely a thing. It does exacerbate my asthma but it’s not as serious as some allergies.

@Ponderingwindow

What should really happen is that the antisocial person who is imposing their perfume on people should be asked to leave. Fragrance allergies and intolerances are medical issues and in some cases are disabilities.

WTAF have I just read?! 😆

I don't entirely agree-you need fast reactions as well as confidence for motorway driving. I never enjoyed it and I've stopped doing it. Severe lack of confidence and hesitant driving can make you dangerous.
I don't beg for lifts though, I use public transport..
I don't have any other things I "can't" do but I guess other people have different anxieties.

A lot of people shouldn’t be driving at night as they get older, their ophthalmologists advise them against it.

Just looking at Paula Vennells starting the tears when the nasty barrister is trying to get her to answer questions about how all the nasty subpostmasters were complaining about being jailed unless they took out loans to prop up her failing business.

Queen of the Crybullies!

I used to work with someone who went into anaphylaxis triggered by other people's perfumes. Signs all over asking people not to put any on. Emails 3 or 4 times a year from a senior manager because those from admin got ignored. She still has to use her epi pen a few times that I'm aware of. Her manager would send her home as the work environment had triggered it so we lost our most competent person in her role. Luckily modern medicine meant it was unpleasant and dangerous for her, not fatal.
I think it must be very rare but it was definitely real.