Manipulated by women that “can’t”

I’m only 41 but I sort of recognise this in myself in some respects that I’m quite particular about things I won’t do. I think being educated and having had a good career and money give me confidence to assert my boundaries. I don’t expect people to organise things for me but I am quite particular about practical things and I imagine I’ll just get more particular as I get older.

Being allergic to perfume is not a disability!

I suspect being 'allergic' to perfume is just someone attention seeking and trying to make it about them. I've never met anyone in real life with a perfume allergy. Perfume is everywhere-not just personal fragrance but in everything from shampoos, washing powder, hand soaps, disinfectants, cleaning products, makeup, stationery, candles etc.

You need to learn to say no . But I agree I can’t stand women like this , a bit useless at basic stuff , I find them to be such a bad example to younger generation. Thankfully o don’t know many people as you describe but if I did I would not be facilitating by doing things for them .

I have increasing tolerance for people who say they can’t do something I can do without any problems. We can all do some things easily, some things with more difficulty and some things not at all.

I haven’t come across all of these, but both my mum and my sister don’t really enjoy driving, so allowed their husbands to do it, then of course got less confident, to the point where they virtually stopped.

I love driving, but when married, my ex preferred driving and it was sufficiently uncomfortable, when he was sat beside me wincing about my driving, that I tended to let him get on with it. It did get to the stage where I felt less confident about driving long distances, which I had never been when younger and am not now we’re divorced.

My ex also flew a lot, and was so knowledgeable compared to me, that I let him lead whenever we went away. I still went without him occasionally, as I refused to become hopelessly dependent, but it was uncomfortable/nerve-wracking and I could imagine if I was a different kind of person, I might have retreated from that discomfort rather than facing it.

So I’m interested to know, are these women married? It could be that their husbands are undermining their confidence, or at least that might be a factor.

Dont be ridiculous.

I am the same age as the OP and the people she is talking about.

Its not ageist at all to question why women who are the same age as her are acting so helplessly. Presumably they have had as long as her to learn how to do things and either didnt learn or just doesnt want to do the jobs concerned.

Its the same as the question of why a man in his 50's is perfectly capable of running a large manufacturing machine (say) at work, or operating a computer but somehow cannot work a washing machine.

The only mistake the OP made was mentioning ages at all.

You couldn't, or wouldn't? 😅

My intrepid 85-year-old friend is driving two hours along country roads this weekend to join me (and others) for a weekend away. She uses Google maps for navigation, plays bridge and poker online, lives independently and has more zest for life than most Mumsnetters with their love of their sofas, Netflix and comfies.

I offered to go and collect her and take her to the house party we've both been invited to, but she was determined to drive herself so that she can go home when she's ready without inconveniencing anyone else. Meanwhile another woman, in her late 50s, fit and healthy, has been trying to persuade me to give her a lift — but at a time that suits her and not me. She has done the whole 'I hate driving in an area I don't know/ I don't know how to use satnav/ motorway driving terrifies me' number. She is also the only one of my acquaintances who isn't on WA ('I can't get the hang of these things') and so expects anyone who is sending out a group message to phone or text her individually to keep her in the loop. Always wants someone else to order stuff on line for her and pay with their cards because it's all so complicated and she's bound to make a mistake if she does it... (on and on and on)

So, OP, I do get what you mean. It's infuriating and it doesn't have to be like that.

We are going away on holiday in a couple of weeks and I thought I’d cracked it but now she’s resisting suggestions for what we will do when we are there - no buses, no walking, etc etc. so we are staying the hotel unless I drive / organise taxis.

Fuck that!

Play their game and decide you can't go. If you grovel nicely, maybe the holiday company will let you change your dates/ hotel etc. Fakling that, havd your own holiday and sod her. Just dont let ger ruin your holiday.

I have become hypersensitive to fragrances since Covid and I can smell people's washing powder, not allergic to it luckily- I can't demand they don't wash their clothes though so I just have to shut my nose off and breathe through my mouth when I sit next to them.

Never come across any of this at work or in my friendship groups and I'm 61 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be honest I feel like I've noticed this with some women all my life. And in my experience it's always women not men. Say they can't do something. But really just aren't willing to try/learn just plan on avoiding it forever or get someone else to do it for them. Some women certainly seem to be of the view that only a man could do certain things too. Which is insane, but there we are.

I can’t stand feebleness.

I am 50 with children aged 4,7 and 8 so for being old/feeble/resisting change/unwilling to muck in isn’t an option…and thank god!

Weird. How did they get the the position they have without doing any of this stuff?

I have a fragrance allergy/intolerance. Any overly strong chemical scent sets it off. Perfume is one of the worst. A light scent is fine but some people douse themselves. That makes me ill.

I never say anything for fear of being rude. I just quietly leave the bus/room/whatever.

On a plane, I would be stuck. I'd slowly start having difficulty breathing and would start wheezing. My eyes would swell and itch and start watering and finally, my skin/face would break out in hives. Symptoms can last for several days after exposure, so my holiday would be pretty much ruined but if you think that's funny, fair enough.

Perfume makes me sneeze my head off.

Id move away and tell the person wearing it.

@ClementineYellow

Yes thanks I will go over the Summer and get some for that purpose.

I think there was a thread about the brighter lights of some cars

You do realise these people are menopausal don’t you, and it’s affecting them, clearly more than you

Go and see your optician, honestly, it was becoming a problem . She gave me a prescription that helps everything become clearer at night time.
I don’t wear those glasses at all in the day, and couldnt wear them when walking
They would help a little with distance, but I wouldn’t need them at all during the day, let me emphasise again, only at night

Just because you don’t know people doesn’t mean they don’t exist!

I’m very sensitive to perfumes - sometimes I get headaches or blocked sinuses, and rarely but much more worryingly they trigger asthma attacks. It isn’t always an immediate effect: sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up struggling to breathe. This only ever happens when I’ve spent some time that day in an enclosed space with a strong fragrance.

So no, I can’t stay in a meeting room with those stupid air freshener sticks, and I can’t share a car journey with you and your intrusive perfume. I’m not going to risk my health unnecessarily.

The allergies seem to have got worse as I’ve got older, but also my self confidence has increased with age so I don’t mind standing up for myself rather than worry about annoying other people with requests for cleaner air.

I don't doubt that scents can make people ill, I find all artificial cleaning and washing powder scents make me feel quite ill and make a migraine worse (although often people think the migraine are triggered by them which they might be, but there's some very interesting research showing that migraines start up to 24 hours before you get symptoms, so it might be increased sensitivity to smell is the result and not the trigger).

There is, though, a whole perfume industry, it's huge, so it can't be a big issue otherwise everyone would be collapsing/having migraines and people would stop wearing perfume, I mean giving perfume as a gift is quite conventional. I just can't add it all up somehow.

I dread the Winter now when I have to drive home from work in the dark. It's only been in the last year

I don't think I know many people like this, my friends tend to be quite active and into travelling and holidays so they can get themselves from A to B.

Some of this in the workplace is daft- if the work day is 10-3pm core hours then meetings take place then, no need to negotiate.

For friends, I wonder if they are just expressing a preference. Like if I went somewhere new, I'd use my Google maps but my friend might also come out and wave and meet me- that's kind of fun. We might discuss how to travel to the airport together, or offer each other a lift on a night out. If one of us is cooking, the other will treat them to a meal out. We discuss food preferences in advance so no-one is surprised or has to eat things out of politeness.

Some of this sounds like you are fed up with being asked for stuff, and see the relationships as unequal, but none of this seems outrageous, they might just be raising issues and you are taking it they can't do it and are pressuring you. Just be calm and nice and state what you can do!

You describe how senior they are professionally as if that contradicts this weaponised incompetence but in my experience these two things often go hand in hand. In my industry (film and TV) the higher up the ladder people climb the more they seem to relish in their inability to do simple tasks. Im not sure if they think the banality is beneath them or if they just are so used to delegating that they default to it even when not really necessary but I find it truly bizarre.

You are unreasonable
Although I can drive, work full time et etc blah de blah
i worked with men, whose wives and girlfriends could not drive, whose name wasn’t on the mortgage or deeds of the homes they were buying
Women in their fifties are going through a lot.
Be nicer.
oh and I found driving at night a problem, everything glared at me.
I spoke to the optician , who offered me some glasses that sometimes helped people.
Something to do with rods and cones.
I wear them at night, when driving, and it’s clear. They need to see an optician, mine was great, a female optician at Asda